Waking Up
by Love.Nicolette
Summary: Katniss has lived a half-life for years after the war. Once she finally realizes that she can't live without Peeta, it may be too late. Peeta has attempted to move on with his life, in the form of an old friend. Delly Cartwright. Pee/Kat *LemonyLove*
1. Years 1 & 2

**Hey! This isn't my first Fanfic by any means, but it is my first Hunger Games fic. I've put a lot of planning into this to make it the kind of romance that I would love to read. I hope you enjoy!**

**The following chapters detail my version of what may have happened between Katniss and Peeta in the period between the ending of Mockingjay and the Epilogue. I broke the 15 years up, some chapters will have just one year, and some will have several.**

**Rating: 'M' for Language, Lust and Lemons**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to the 'Hunger Games' series or it's characters.**

**- Year One -**

**[May]**

**Peeta's POV**

I haven't talked to her in quite a while, it seems like years, but it may have been just a few months or even just a few weeks. For some reason, even though I haven't been able to figure out exactly how I feel about her, it makes me nervous when I don't know where she is, or how she's doing. When she's not around time seems to move too quickly. Too many things may have happened to her in that time. I know it's stupid to think this way, after all, she is the Mockingjay. She can take care of herself. She doesn't need a baker's son to try and protect her.

But still, more than a few times in the last couple of months, or weeks, I've left my house in the middle of the night just to walk down the street to look up at her bedroom window. Just to make sure I see the faint glow that let's me know that she at least got up to turn the light on when the sun went down. It let's me know that she hasn't decided to give up yet, that she hasn't decided to leave. I do it more for my own peace of mind than really worrying about her.

This is what I tell myself.

For the last few months just making sure she still seems to be alive has been enough for me.

But two nights ago the glow wasn't there, and I've found several excuses to try and walk by her home today, just to see if it seemed like someone was moving inside. But the house was as silent as always. I've already decided that if the light isn't on after dark tonight, I'm kicking the damn door in. I can't take this not knowing.

I wait patiently by my kitchen window for sunset, sitting in a hard wooden chair Haymitch gave to me. I know these things I'm doing are crazy. But I honestly don't care. What else do I have left to do honestly? My family is gone, the bakery is gone, most of my friends are gone, and the ones who returned to District 12 quickly found out that I'm absolutely insane, and don't seem to want much to do with me.

Finally the sun drops below the horizon, I still wait a moment longer, giving her plenty of time to decide to turn the light on. I've heard from Haymitch that she doesn't sleep much. Last night I waited for several hours, hoping to have my mind set at ease, but the light never came on. When fatigue finally began to set in I allowed myself to return home, but the thoughts of what may have happened to her plagued me until dawn. I haven't slept in days.

I finally decide to head out. Rising from my chair by the window I feel a strange stiffness in my back. How long was I sitting there? I make my way out through my backyard. I creep around to the other side of Katniss' house where her bedroom window is located. The only thing that scares me more than not seeing her light on, is the thought of her catching me creeping around her backyard to check up on her. Katniss Everdeen is a terrifying anomaly.

I look up as soon as I'm within sight of her window, and a wave of relief rushes over me. Her light is on. She's still alive. She hasn't left. I don't need to break in.

I creep as silently as I can manage back to my house. Knowing that she's still breathing in the house next door gives me at least a chance of sleeping tonight. And I'm not going to waste it.

**xoxo**

**Katniss POV**

He thinks I don't notice him. Checking up on me, night after night. Some days I want to go shout at him, tell him to leave me alone. Some days I want to go out and ask him why he wants to check up on me, when he hates me so much. But most days I simply don't care.

I will be the first to admit that my life isn't much of a life. I feel hollow, empty, null. I do nothing. I try to think of nothing. When I'm awake I feel the sickening ache of having no one and wanting nothing, it quickly makes me tired. When I try to sleep the horrifying nightmares force me awake. It's a vicious cycle. I live in a constant daze. Not quite asleep, but not quite awake.

It's actually not that bad of a feeling.

I wonder if I should go down into the kitchen to pick at the food that Greasy Sae has undoubtedly left for me. I leave the door unlocked for her. She comes in, places food on the counter for me and then leaves. She stopped attempting to talk with me a long time ago. I stopped trying to be polite. If she comes into my room to say anything, I just ignore her. If she brings the food up to my room, I don't thank her. I'm beyond caring about pleasantries. Also, I'm sure she's being paid by district 13 or possibly someone back in the Capitol to leave the food. I certainly don't ask for it.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I hear a whisper of my sane self, it tells me that I should probably eat soon. My sane self is constantly getting in the way of my dazed self.

I creep down the stairs and see a pot of soup and a small package of crackers on my kitchen counter. The soup has long since gone cold. I pick up one of the crackers and nibble on the corner, it tastes like ash in my mouth, but I continue to nibble regardless.

My thoughts return to Peeta. When we first returned to District 12, he made no attempt to speak to me. Then after a few weeks, I caught him planting Primrose bushes outside my home. I was furious. Even now when I think about it I get a bit angry. A lump rises in my throat when I think of Primroses... Prim. I shake my head, trying to physically rid my mind of the thought.

Peeta had only stopped by a few times after that. He came here saying he ran out of sugar, I ignored him. He came here saying he had extra firewood if I needed some, I ignored him. He came by asking if I had any squirrels he could buy off me, I ignored him.

Eventually he stopped coming by.

And I honestly don't think I mind. The daze is easier to keep intact without thoughts of Peeta Mellark.

**xoxo**

**- Year Two -**

**[February]**

**Katniss' POV**

As Thom moves the last of my things from the wagon and into my new home. I take a quick peek down the street to my old home, but instead catch a glimpse of a small figure down the street standing still. Obviously looking in my direction.

My cheeks flare and I quickly duck my head and move into the house.

Maybe it wasn't necessary. Moving to the opposite end of the Victor's Village. I just couldn't take hearing him leave his home every morning. Hearing him converse with our old friends and neighbors on his front step.

My house is so quiet. I hear everything that happens next door. And I hear enough to know that Peeta is beginning to move on. He's getting his life back slowly. I suppose, as a person who was once his good friend, that I should be happy for him. And in a way I am. I'm happy that some of us can move on from the horrible things that have happened. A small part of me wishes I could join him, wishes that I could live and breath. But then the cold slinks over me and I fall back into my daze. I will not recover. I don't deserve to. Why live when Prim can't? When Finn can't?

So instead of envying Peeta, I simply decided to call Plutarch and see if he couldn't somehow get a hold of someone who would help move me to a different home on the block. One with less memories, less noise... less Peeta. Plutarch called Thom who agreed to help me move my few belongings into the new home down the road.

My thoughts quickly stop when I hear Thom greeting someone outside. A familiar voice hits my ears and I quickly duck down to hide myself from view of the window by the front door. But I cringe when I hear footsteps and watch as the doorknob next to my head turns and the door is quickly pushed open letting in a cold breeze of February air.

Two brilliant blue eyes lock on mine and I watch the corners of Peeta Mellark's mouth twitch into a small smile for a moment before I hear him say,

"Hello Katniss."

I'm unsure what to say or if I should say anything. I have used my voice a few times in the last year. Talking to Plutarch, giving Greasy Sae an occasional greeting when she happens to let herself into my home while I'm downstairs. My mother called one day and I told her that I was busy, but would call her soon. But in this moment my vocal chords don't seem to want to work.

"Is there anything else you needed help with Katniss?" I hear Thom call from the other side of the door.

My eyes haven't managed to leave Peeta's and he for some reason hasn't looked away yet either. I still can't find my voice. Several moments pass.

"Do you still need Thom?" Peeta asks quietly.

After a moment I manage to shake my head slowly. Peeta breaks eye contact with me long enough to shout to Thom,

"I think she's fine Thom."

I hear Thom shout something in return and after a few moments I hear the footsteps of the old black mare Thom owns pulling the wagon behind her.

Peeta steps the rest of the way into my new house, closing the door slowly behind him. I realize that I'm still sitting on the floor beneath the window, and manage to rise up to a standing position against the wall.

"Why did you move down here?" He asks me.

I finally find my voice, "I..." but then my mind fails me. What do I tell him?

"Did you move here because of me?" He leans back against my staircase and crosses his arms. He looks stern now, no traces of a smile on his lips.

I hesitate answering again. "I... thought it might be easier this way." I finally spit out.

For a few moments he just stands and searches my face, I suddenly feel horribly self conscious. The various scars burned into my flesh haven't completely disappeared. I haven't cut my hair since I returned to District 13 and suddenly can't remember when the last time I took a shower was. I don't know why I should care, Peeta isn't in love with me anymore, he doesn't care what I look like.

His sigh brings me out of my thoughts. It's long and drawn out and when he finally stops he looks down at the ground. Uncrossing his arms, he walks towards the door, opening it slowly. Before he walks out he locks eyes with me again.

"I don't understand why I feel the way I do Katniss. I'm still confused about what we had..." He pauses, "Or didn't have..." He frowns. I can almost see the gears turning in his mind. But I'm not sure what they're trying to work out. "But I can say that I miss you. And all this," He waves his arm around my house, "moving down the road just to avoid me." He dropped his hand to his side. "Wasn't necessary."

And with that, he closes the door behind him and I listen as the crunching of the snow beneath his boots disappears.

**xoxo**

**[June]**

"He's been stopping by Haymitch's house almost every day since you moved ya'know."

I stop lacing my brand new shoe laces into my old boots to ask, "Who?"

"Oh who." Greasy Sae flaps her hand at me as if I've asked a ridiculous question. "Who else? Peeta of course." she says as she moves about my kitchen. Putting away the freshly washed dishes. Since I moved to the new house Sae has taken on the responsibilities of a housekeeper as well. No matter how many times I tell her thanks, but no thanks, she won't listen. She just keeps cleaning and cooking. Finally I give up and occasionally have actual conversations with her when she stops by.

"Oh." Is all I say.

"We also had a few more people return from 13." She looks over her shoulder to watch me hesitate a moment before threading the last lace into place. I know my mother isn't included. I also know Gale is enjoying his new position in the capitol. And they're the only two I would care about returning.

"Oh?" I say again. My conversation skills need some work.

"Yes, the Hartlet boys who lost their mother, Thom's brother and niece, Delly Cartwright, but I hear that's only temporary while her father builds her family a new home in 4." She's finished putting away the dishes now and begins to dry her hands to leave. "And even Effie Trinket has apparently decided to make one of the houses in the Victors Village her new home."

This catches my attention. "Which one?"

Greasy Sae smiles, apparently happy she said something that actually catches my interest. "Your old one actually."

I breathe a sigh of relief. Thank god she won't be by me. I don't think I could take her constant chatter and positive attitude.

"Where is Delly staying while she's in town?" I ask, remembering seeing the caved in roof of the Cartwright's former home.

"I hear her and her younger brother are going to be staying at Peeta's house for a while until a new temporary home can be put up on their land here in 12." She waves her hand as she collects her purse and empty basket. "They're old family friends you know. The Cartwright's and Mellark's." She peeks over her shoulder as she says this. I make sure to keep my facial expression looking bored. "But like I said, that shouldn't be for long, her father is building them a large house over in 4. Apparently he has a new business starting there." She finishes giving me the latest news around town and leaves with no goodbye.

As soon as the door closes I stop pretending to play with my boots.

I can't ignore the strange feeling that came into my chest when she mentioned Delly staying with Peeta.

I don't know this strange feeling, but I know that I don't like it.

Yet another reason to keep as far away from Peeta Mellark as I can.

**xoxo**

**We'll see how this chapter does before I post the next chapter! All reviews, questions, comments and criticism are welcome 3**


	2. Years 2 & 3

**Here's chapter 2! I'm really happy with the response from the first chapter! Thank you for the reviews, keep reviewing and I'll keep posting chapters! Haha.**

**You get at least a taste of a kiss and the beginning of the turmoil when Delly shows up. Keep in mind last chapter ended in June of Year 2. This story starts off in September of Year 2! Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to the 'Hunger Games' or it's characters.**

**- Year 2 -  
>[September]<strong>

**Peeta's POV**

I couldn't help checking my watch for the 30th time since coming down to the train station. The train was due half an hour ago, and the chilly September rain is coming down in sheets. Thom and his building crew have erected a somewhat crudely built temporary structure to protect the citizens of district 12 from the rain while they wait. Just a couple long hard plastic sheets nailed down to some tall plywood boards. It was effective only if the rain was coming from directly above. But still over two dozen of us are trying to cram ourselves underneath it.

The train finally pulls up and I quickly take a step towards it, searching the windows for a familiar face. People quickly begin pouring out of the train and all around me even in the rain are the sounds of reunion. Hugs and pats on the back and laughter. A few 'Hello!' and 'I missed you!' are thrown around. Finally I see them. First Timm, the youngest of the Cartwright's steps off the train, and right behind him steps off what I think is Delly.

I'm unsure if it's Delly only because this version is quite a bit thinner, and her face seems to have completely transformed once the chubby cheeks were removed. Her hair is still pretty frizzy, but that may just be because of the rain. It's cut shorter, only barely dusting her shoulders and still the same golden color it's always been.

"Peeta!" I hear her screech. I quickly wave a hand as they run over toward me in the rain. I scoop Delly up and give her a quick bear hug, then do the same to Timm. It's good to see old familiar faces.

"We didn't bring much..." Timm says, unsure how long they would be staying before their father sent them more supplies.

"You won't need much." I'm beaming now. For the first time since coming back to 12 I feel like perhaps the war didn't happen. Perhaps this is just Delly and Timm stopping by to play by the crooked apple tree in my family's backyard. "I've got everything you need!" I give Timm a pat on the back as we begin trudging through the mud and rain back towards the Victor's Village.

**xoxo**

**Year 3**

**[March]**

**Peeta's POV**

I take a deep breath before knocking gently three times. I hear a small movement on the other side of the door. And watch a curtain flutter in the window. I let the breath out.

She knows I'm here then. I wait a few moments and knock again, louder this time. Starting to get irritated since I'm so obviously being ignored.

"Katniss will you open the door please?" I try to sound as calm as possible. Since talking more with Dr. Aurelius I can explain this hurt in my chest. This need to see her. She's hurting me the way only she can. Only she has this power over me.

I've spent a lot of time on the phone with Dr. Aurelius in the last few months. Mostly because of Delly and Timm. Whenever I have a flashback or a tainted memory I can't control my actions. I throw things, I yell, I cry. Sometimes I break furniture or punch holes in the walls, I've broken down doors and even sometimes destroy paintings that I spent weeks making. Delly panics. She hides in the basement or behind a locked door. I can't take the look in her eyes afterward, she's too innocent. She's terrified and I know she wishes she had somewhere else to go. She says that she doesn't mind and she understands. But I hear her crying on occasion, and whispering to her brother about me.

This lead to me trying to comfort her when I hear her crying. I frequently apologize and beg for forgiveness for scaring her. She's nothing but kind, nothing but polite. She tells me I have nothing to apologize for and even offers me comfort in the form of hugs or treats she cooks for me. But I still see the fear in her eyes.

Just last week the building team finished the home that Delly's father commissioned here in town. It's a very small one bedroom house that he intends on renting out for extra money. They're still working on the business and their new home in District 2 and he needs to stay there to oversee the building project. Yesterday Peeta helped Delly and Timm move their belongings into the new temporary house. I offered to let them stay in my home until their father had them move to District 2, but they declined. For obvious reasons. But Delly still stops by often to see me. I enjoy the company.

At first I hadn't thought a thing of it, Delly was my friend and I was just happy to have someone around to spend time with. So I wasn't so alone all the time. But the other day when I was trying to show Delly a few of my paintings, she leaned over and kissed me. I'm not sure I reacted properly. More shock than anything. She blushed a deep red and apologized. I smiled and told her not to apologize. I'm not sure how I feel about the kiss. I'm not sure about me and Delly.

Since talking with Dr. Aurelius I'm slowly doing better about working out the real and not real memories. I still have flashbacks of the torture, random bombs and burning bodies. Primrose's and Katniss' screams while flames lick at their flesh haunt me the most anymore.

It seems the more I can distinguish between the real and the not real, the more my feelings for Katniss return. I remember seeing her when I was only five years old and literally feeling my breath being taken away. I remember staring at her in class and then quickly looking away when she looked toward me. I remember going to bed every night as a teenager dreaming up new ways to try and talk to her, thinking of fantasies of her and I being together someday.

That's why this trip is so necessary, Katniss hasn't tried to speak with me in months. If I stop by she tells me she was just leaving. She hunts now, which is a good sign. I never see her in town, and I have made a few stops in the Hob to see if she's there. She never is. I've stopped asking about her. Only occasionally now do I trek out to her home in the middle of the night to see if her light is on. I don't know if she knows I do it or not, and I don't care. It's for me, not for her.

But today, I've decided, is different. Today she's not ignoring me, we WILL talk. It's obvious now that Delly wants more of our relationship. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, but it's the first real happiness I've had in years. I won't push her away. Delly and Timm are all I really have.

But I want Katniss.

Today is the final attempt. Today is the decision day. It's the day I put all my thoughts of Katniss and I being together behind me. Tomorrow I move on with my life. I kiss Delly, we discuss our relationship, we're together. My new life.

"Katniss, if you don't open this d-" I'm cut off as the door swings open.

"What?" Katniss stands before me. The feelings of the real memories that I've uncovered in the last few months flood over me. My chest tightens up and my voice catches in my throat.

She's beautiful.

Her hair is undone from it's usual braid, falling in wavy dark tresses that sway all the way down to her hips. She's wearing a yellow sundress that I've never seen. She looks like she's been eating. Filling out a tiny bit more here and there. Still not completely healthy, but still a huge improvement from the last time I've seen her. Dark circles still hang underneath her eyes, a sign of little sleep. Instead of jutting out hip bones and sunken cheeks though, she has a smooth slim figure. You can even see a swell in the curve of her breast in the form fitting sundress, and her cheeks have a tinge of color in them, darkening the longer I stare.

"I'm... Trying on some clothes my mother sent me. She's coming to visit tomorrow." She blushes even darker and looks down, pulling on the dress with the hand that isn't clutching onto the door for dear life.

"You look..." I'm lost for words. Amazing. Stunning. Wonderful. Pretty. Radiant. Fascinating. Sexy. Perfect.

She frowns at my expression and starts to slam the door, thinking the worst. I quickly throw my right leg into the gap between the door and the frame and wince for no reason when I hear door slam against it.

"Peeta!" Katniss gasps and flings the door back open, reaching out and touching my leg with her hand. Then immediately pulls back with a dark look in her eyes when she remembers that it's made of metal.

I can't help it. I laugh out loud. She looks so fucking gorgeous and she's furious for showing for a fraction of a second that she cares about hurting me.

"Let me in." I say. I don't wait for permission, mostly because I know I'll never get it, I just walk into the house. I take a seat in one of her large, unused chairs in her living room. And watch the emotions play across her face. Surprise, rage, uncertainty, and finally, defeat. She closes the door and walks over to the chair opposite me and to my surprise. Sits.

The flood of warmth in my chest doesn't go unnoticed. Even though I know I'm here for a reason, and I have to keep reminding myself of that reason. I can't help but think about how perfect this could be. In a happier time, if the war never happened. Katniss sitting across from me, her legs pulled up on the chair and her bare toes curling up in a self-conscious gesture to hide them from me. Her hair around her like a cape. Teasing the seat of the chair and her legs. Her cheeks red and her lips turned down in the tiniest frown. I close my eyes and try to rid myself of the want.

I can't wish for this. I have to stop believing that it's possible that one day Katniss and I can be together. She wants nothing to do with me, with anyone for that matter. This gorgeous woman in front of me will never be tamed. Will never be mine.

"Are you going to say anything?" She asks. I try not to wince at the angry tone. I must have winced after all because she sighs and looks down, picking at an unseen string on her chair. "I'm sorry. I'm nervous about seeing my mother I guess."

I'm completely and utterly taken aback at her attempt at actual conversation. She even mentioned having a feeling. I jump all over the chance to talk.

"That's really great Katniss! You must have missed her." I know that I sound overly excited, I try to calm down a bit. I try to keep my cool before I scare her off.

"Hmm.." A hum is all I receive for an answer. The silence descends on us again.

"I'm leaving in a few days." I finally blurt out. I watch her head snap up and her eyes widen for a fraction of a second. She quickly recovers and puts her head back down, I watch her tongue dart out to wet her bottom lip quickly. I try to ignore the surge of adrenaline that this provokes. She opens her mouth to speak. I wait patiently.

"Where..." Her voice cracks. She clears her throat. "Where are you going?"

"District 2." I respond quickly. She looks up again. I don't understand the pain I see in her eyes. Why does she care whether I go or stay? Does she care? Does she just want me out of her house and that's the reason for the pain?

"Will you... Visit?" She asks quietly. I realize she thinks that I mean I'm leaving for good. Something deep in my chest kicks hard against my heart, I try to push the feeling away. In no circumstance should a man get so excited over three words from a woman.

"I'm only leaving for a few months."

"Oh." Is all she says. If there is some relief in her voice I can't find it.

"Katniss..." I remember my reason for coming here. Today is decision day.

"I should probably go get changed... I wanted to get some hunting in before my mom shows up tomorrow." She says quickly. Rising from her chair in one fluid movement. "I hope your trip goes okay."

"Katniss." I say again and take a step toward her. I watch her freeze and her silver eyes meet mine. She looks vulnerable and like she could bolt at any second. "I've been talking with Dr. Aurelius lately." I pause again.

"I have too." She says quickly. This surprises me, he hasn't mentioned as much to me.

"That's good." I say, and I mean it. "He's been helping me a lot Katniss."

"He's helped me some too." She says quietly. "How's Delly?"

I'm surprised again. I honestly didn't even know she knew about Delly and Timm. "She's good. Her and her brother moved onto their old property. I'm actually going to District 2 to help her father finish up their home being built there. Then Delly and Timm will be moving to be with their father."

"And you?" She asks.

"I haven't decided yet." And I haven't. The longest silence of all passes and I watch with nothing to say as she walks across the room and opens her front door.

"I need to get ready to hunt. Peeta."

I didn't know my heart could react so violently to someone just saying my name. I realize now how pathetically doomed I am. She's basically telling me to get the fuck out of her house and all I need is my name at the end to feel excited.

There's nothing this woman could ever do to make me not love her.

But I know what my future is now, it's time for my head to start leading my life instead of my heart or my cock. I'm not a boy anymore, I'm a full grown man. Katniss is unavailable, and will most likely never be available. I walk out her front door and turn once to look back to her. "Try not to miss me Katniss." I say. It's mostly a joke. I see a strange look cross her face and I know just as much as she does that I won't be missed. She closes the door and I leave.

**xoxo**

**Katniss POV**

Tears blur my vision before the door even closes. I turn and lean my back against it, sliding all the way down until my butt hits the floor. My legs curl in underneath me and I try to stay silent as I literally feel my heart break in two. I pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I sob into my knees as quietly as I can, not knowing how far Peeta has gotten from the door yet. I miss him already. The moment he left I feel like my resolve left with him. I fight the urge to swing open the door, run into the street and throw my arms around him. To beg him to stay here with me or to at least take me with him.

He's getting better, he's getting back to his old self. The insanely kind, thoughtful Peeta that was there before the war. The Peeta I've longed for since he was captured by the Capitol.

But I know what will happen if I do any of that. I'll crush him. I'll crush his spirit and turn him back into something sad and abused. A fragment of what he could become. I'm broken. I am no good for anyone or anything. He deserves far more than me.

If the last three years has proved anything, it's that Peeta thrives without me. With me he is only hurt. He is only disappointed. Without me he makes new friends, he finds projects, he has people over for dinner... I've heard rumors he's re-opening the bakery even.

And even though the thought of Peeta holding anyone else at night makes me physically nauseous... The thought of him having a possibility of happiness in this life after all the hurt I've caused him makes it bearable.

"Suck it up." I whisper to myself. I use my yellow dress to dry my tears and try to force my mind to think about the meeting with my mother tomorrow.

To think of anything but Peeta.

**xoxo**

**Chapter 3 coming very soon! (assuming I get a decent amount of reviews ;) Cause I'm greedy like that ;) **

**Chapter 3 will have a short paragraph of Peeta's thought process in District 2 and then a tiny bit of smut between Peeta and Katniss. Stay tuned! :D**


	3. Years 3 & 4

**Hey! Here's Chapter 3! It's a long one.**

**I have to say that I'm very upset with most of you. I've had nearly three times as many people put this story on their favorites list and their reminder list as have reviewed! If you like my story, let me know! **

**So here's a challenge for you. If one third of you review my story, I should have over 45 reviews for this chapter. And just to be sure I don't get behind, I won't post the next chapter till I get them! HAHAHA! [Yes I am evil...] Enjoy your smut!**

**Ps - Keep in mind the last chapter ended in Year 3 [March]**

**Year 3**

**[August]**

**Peeta's POV**

I'm standing in the middle of a room that is not my own. A simple white couch sits on a white carpeted floor. I look down and see that I'm missing my shoes and the carpet feels lush beneath my feet. I curl my toes into it. A glass table separates the white couch from a wall size window. For some reason I can't make out much beyond the window, but bright sunshine shimmers in from behind the filmy white curtain. I can feel a breeze coming in and the curtains billow around the room. I take a deep breath and it smells like fresh bakery bread. I turn around to see that I'm standing next to a tall kitchen counter that's attached to an equally white kitchen. I look up and lock eyes with the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She giggles, which is something I've only ever heard her do a few times before.

"Oh no, don't worry! Don't hassle yourself! I've got it!" She waves her hand at me condescendingly and reaches down to pull a fresh loaf of bread out of the oven. She sets it on the white marble counter top between us. "Don't exert yourself too much!" She giggles again. I can hear the sarcasm, but I'm unsure what she's talking about.

"Was I supposed to get that bread?" I ask. Curious about what. the. fuck. is going on.

"Oh no..." She says again. Smiling a brilliant, easy smile. I watch in fascination as she steps around the counter and comes over to me. I'm not sure when it happened, but suddenly I'm sitting on a white stool that matches the counter. I am afraid to move as she comes over and leans against me, in between my legs. I have my back to the counter and put my elbows behind me to relax. I can't help the smile that comes to my lips, even though I'm very confused as to where I am.

She puts one hand on each of my thighs and leans in to gently tease me with her lips, rubbing them softly against mine. She laughs when I try to catch her lips with my own, but they move too quickly, Katniss always moves too quickly. She whispers in my ear.

"We may have enough time... if we hurry." I close my eyes at the seductive tone. And feel adrenaline pulse once through my veins. I feel her slide one hand up slowly from my thigh to cover the now large lump in my pants. My breath comes out in a slow hiss through my teeth. My hand reaching up to cover hers, afraid she may pull it away.

"Enou-" my voice sounds strange. I clear my throat and try again. "Enough time for what?" I realize I'm whispering. Somehow it seems appropriate.

She gives me a strange look and runs her hand up the length of my cock through my pants. I let out an involuntary moan. Her hands leave me and my eyes fly open. She's working at my belt now, trying to get it undone. There's a wild look in her silver eyes and a seductive smile playing at her lips. I don't hesitate to help her. But just as I start to slide them down, a small voice stops me.

"Can I have some bread?" A very young boy walks into the living room through a hallway that I didn't notice before. Slowly rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He gas dark brown hair that curls away from his face gently. And when he looks up at us I see my own blue eyes looking back at me. I feel my brow furrow.

Katniss whips around, and uses her body to quickly cover the lower half of me as I begin to frantically try to re-do my belt. Who the hell is this kid anyway? Where did he come from?

"Sure baby." Katniss coo's. It's strange because I've literally never heard Katniss talk like this to anyone in my life. Not even Prim. "But you'll have to wait a little bit. It's still really hot."

The little boy frowns a somehow very familiar frown and takes a seat on the white couch. "Why do I always have to wait." He crosses his arms and pouts on the couch. Katniss giggles again.

I watch in amazement as she walks over to him and begins tickling his sides. He squeels with excitement and kicks at the air. Trying to push her hands away. They're both laughing hysterically now as Katniss scoops him up and brings him over to me, plopping him in my lap. I quickly pull my hands away and stare up on Katniss in awe. The child stops laughing and looks at me expectantly. I don't want to ruin these moments, but I have to ask.

"What the hell is going on?" I blurt. The child looks up at me with his eyes wide and his mouth shaped in a perfect oh. After a few moments of shock he starts squealing again in laughter.

"Ooooooh!" He starts clapping his hands. "Daddy said a bad word! Daddy said a bad word!"

What the hell did he just call me? I jump up without thinking and the child falls off my lap. Luckily Katniss is there to catch him before he hits the floor. The boy is unhurt but startled enough to begin to cry. Katniss presses his head into her shoulder as he wails.

"What the hell Peeta!" Katniss shouts. Gently bobbing up and down to get the boy to stop crying. I realize I've just almost knocked a very small child to the ground and, although I don't know what's going on, I feel horrible. I reach out to take him from Katniss.

"I'm..." I don't know what to do. That boy just called me daddy. "I'm sorry, I ... panicked." I say, taking the boy from Katniss. She hands him to me gently.

"If you break him, we're not making another one." She says. But seems to trust me with him enough. "He didn't take a very long nap, he's probably mostly just tired." She adds in an attempt to make me feel better for almost hurting him.

"Not making another one?" I whisper.

Somehow the realization that this boy is supposed to be Katniss and I's son sinks in and I feel a surge of happiness well up in my chest. I instantly love him. Looking over at the beautiful woman standing next to me and then to the blue eyed boy I hold in my arms, I can't remember ever being so happy in my life. I hold the boy close and rub my cheek against his hair until he stops crying. I realize after a while that he's fallen asleep and I walk over to the couch to lay him down gently.

Katniss walks over to me and takes my hand, leading me down the hallway into a large white bedroom. My heart pounds as she leads me over to a tall canopy bed against the far wall.

"Aren't you going to lay down?" She says. Her voice sounds suddenly husky. The raspiness is sexy and my heart pounds loudly in my ears.

I lay down on the bed, folding my arms beneath my head as Katniss bends over to rid herself of her socks and the white skirt she'd been wearing. I watch unbelieving as she slowly crawls onto the bed. She grins as she takes her time slowly crawling on top of me. Finally she stops and plants a soft kiss on my lips, before leaning back and straddling my hips with her legs. She reaches down and slowly pulls the hem of her shirt up over her head. Letting it fall somewhere off the side of the bed. Whatever she sees on my face makes her smile widen a little and she traces her finger slowly from my chest down to the place where her hips meet mine.

Her finger suddenly stops moving and her eyes darken as she descends upon me. Her breasts pressing up against my chest as our lips meld together. Her tongue and mine meet and slide together, again and again, as if trying to become one. Her fingers get tangled in my hair and I reach up to put one hand deep in her dark tresses as the other slides up to feel the soft warm flesh of her full breast between us. Her nipple slips between two of my fingers and I roll it back and forth slowly between them. Her mouth goes lax against mine and I hear her make an appreciative moan.

"Please Peeta." She begs. I watch in amazement as she sits up and tugs on the hem of my shirt, trying to pull it up over my head. I smile at how impatient she is and slip it off in one quick movement. She still straddles me and I slide my hands from the base of her hips all the way up past her flat stomach and cup each of her pert breasts in my hands. But in the back of my mind I suddenly realize something is very wrong. I pull my hands away slowly and feel my brow furrow. For the first time I notice, Katniss' skin is flawless. Any trace of the angry burns that once tore through her flesh have vanished. And although someday they hopefully will completely disappear, I know mine still remain and Katniss' should be there too.

I realize this isn't Katniss. At least not my Katniss. The room begins to darken a little bit. The sunshine that once flooded in has seemed to turn to night in a matter of seconds. The curtains stop their fluttering immediately and the walls of the room seem to begin to close in on us.

"What's wrong Peeta?" I look up and the fake Katniss' features are distorted. She's disappearing before my eyes. I reach out and try to wrap my arms around her, to hold onto something of this dream. But she's already gone.

**xoxo**

I sit up abruptly and nearly fall off the smal couch I'm laying on. It takes me a moment to realize where I am. On occasion, if I stay at Delly's house too late, playing cards or sitting by the fire, she offers to let me stay on her couch. And although it's small and uncomfortable, I stay, because I feel like she enjoys it. And it feels good to know she's only in the other room if I have a nightmare. Last night we were working on painting a memorial to be hung in the new museum being built in District 12. She asked if I wanted to stay, and I did.

The morning hasn't quite come yet, it's still dark, but I can hear birds chirping it's imminent arrival. I swing my legs off the couch and find the floor. I stand up for a moment, then immediately sit back down. Feeling dizzy from standing too quickly. I put my face in my hands and prop my elbows on my knees. Rubbing the faint sheen of sweat from my face.

The dream was too real. I literally ache for it. I feel as if I've lost something precious. As if a dear friend has died. The realization that I will never know the happiness that I felt during that dream creeps over me. And I feel the sting of tears behind my eyelids.

"Peeta? Are you... okay?"

I turn to see Delly standing in the doorway to her bedroom. She wears a long blue nightgown that reminds me of something my mother once wore. She looks scared. I wonder if she is afraid I had a nightmare and I'm about to begin throwing things around the room. The thought saddens me. That she has to live with this constant fear.

"I'm fine honey." I say, trying to force a smile on my lips. I can tell it doesn't come out quite right, because she frowns. Frowning is something I almost never saw Delly do before she met me. Yet another reason I shouldn't put her through this. And by this, I mean me.

"You were..." She stops for a second and walks over to take a seat next to me, covering one of my hands with hers. "You were saying her name in your sleep." She looks down at our hands and I see a faint blush run across her cheeks. I blush too, unsure of what else I may have said.

I look down at our hands and shake my head again. "I'm sorry." I whisper. "I don't know why-" She cuts me off by slowly pressing a finger to my lips.

"When are you going to stop apologizing to me Peeta?" She smiles. "I know how much you and Katniss have been through together. You'll always be..." She hesitates for a moment. "Good friends. I don't expect you to forget about her right away Peeta. We have the rest of our lives to make our own memories to replace the ones you had with Katniss."

I smile at her. I know she thinks that her words are consoling me. But internally I feel agonizingly guilty. The way she said _'I don't expect you to forget about her right away...'_ should be an immediate cue for me to speak up. To tell her I'll never forget about Katniss. To tell her that I'm unsure if I'll ever feel the same about her as I do Katniss. To tell her that I'm unsure if I will ever feel so strongly for a person again. And do I want my memories that I have of Katniss to be replaced? It's hard to think of some of the happiest and most life changing moments of your life to suddenly be replaced and forgotten. When you've spent nearly 20 years thinking of one woman, it's hard to imagine forgetting her.

But instead I say, "I'm lucky to have you." Because I am lucky that she's willing to put up with me. That she's willing to stay with me. I can't lose her. I can't lose my only comfort in this world. The only person who tries to keep me sane.

She smiles, happy with my answer. "And I'm lucky to have you!" Her bubbly self is back. The frown gone. Even though she has no idea how wrong she is.

**xoxo**

**Year 3**

**[September]**

**Katniss POV**

"Katniss! Katniss!" I hear a high pitched voice calling my name behind me. I turn to look over my shoulder, but see nothing but the usual large cluster of people hurrying about the Hob to trade on a Sunday afternoon.

"Katniss!" I hear it again and stop to turn completely. Waiting for whoever it is to catch up with me. Finally I see Delly Cartwright pushing her way through the crowd. What is she doing at the Hob? At first, I feel utterly annoyed, but it quickly turns to guilt when I realize I have no reason to dislike this kind girl. "Katniss! Wow you move fast!" She says, panting and leaning forward, her hands on her knees while she tries to catch her breath.

I look around as people push against her and I, trying to get to the different shop kiosks. I myself have 3 squirrels in my hand that I was on my way to try and trade with a man from District 10 named Addey. He makes jewelry out of seashells from the shores over there. I was going to get a necklace to send to Annie Cresta for her daughter's 2nd birthday. And although I could easily just buy the jewelry, those of us in the hob have learned that if you buy things from his shop, instead of trading for food. He'll gamble all the money away at the card tables, instead of feeding his 6 children.

Delly looks up at me expectantly. What does she want me to say when she came running to me? So I just stare at her.

"Uhm." She stops and looks toward the exit to the Hob. "Do you mind if we talk outside?" Her eyes glance down at the squirrels in my hand and I almost laugh when I see her give a slight shudder. This girl from a rich family can't be serious. Where does she think the meat on her table comes from? I don't know what she wants, but I have to admit, I am curious. So even though Addey will probably have his fair share of meat by the time I can come back inside (Do to the fact that at least a dozen new people have been out in the woods, my woods, attempting to hunt since it became legal.) I make my way toward the exit with Delly in tow.

Once outside I turn and look to Delly. She again looks at me expectantly. Apparently Delly thinks that just because I look at her, I'm going to say something. I never understand people like this, who make eye contact and immediately expect conversation. Somehow it reminds me of the people of the Capitol, and I wonder if the more money you have, the more you feel the need to fill the silence. But I realize that I'm being far too mean to Delly. She's never been anything but nice, and, although no one dares to confirm it to me, I'm fairly certain her and Peeta are some kind of item. I can't help the tightness in my chest when I think of this and I hate the lump that rises in my throat. I swallow twice and hope it goes unnoticed.

"I was wondering..." She pauses for a moment. She seems to consider what she's about to say and I notice that the next sentence she says isn't what she meant to say, "How you're doing? Is everything okay? I haven't talked to you in... Well... Years!" She flings her hands in the air and laughs as if something funny has been said. A tiny voice in the back of my head reminds me to stop being cruel for no reason. And I have no reason. Peeta isn't mine. He shouldn't be and he never will be.

"I'm doing fine." I answer. And I kind of am. If you don't count the horrible nightmares, and the mind-numbing pain that hits me every night when the sickening feeling of being alone for the rest of my life creeps over me. If you don't count knowing that you deserve to be alone. If you don't count the countless bored days with nothing to think of but death. Nothing to do but want things you'll never have. Nothing to do but day dream of a simpler time, a time when my sister was alive, a time when I didn't know Peeta Mellark and couldn't hurt him.

"That's good!" She says. And I feel my expression darkening. I hate that she gets so excited about hearing of me doing well, just like Peeta did the last time we talked and I said I was meeting my mother.

I give her a single nod for an answer. Waiting for her to say more.

"Well I guess I'll let you get back to your... trading?" She asks, apparently unsure of what I do in the hob. I force a smile.

"Yeah I was trading." I know I shouldn't say the next words out of my mouth, but I do anyway. "How's Peeta?" I'm genuinely curious. And when I ask Greasy Sae about him she gives me a look and says, 'If you are curious, then maybe you should go ask him!' I only glare in response. I don't dare tread on Peeta's happiness.

Delly's smile seems to drop just the tiniest bit. But she recovers quickly. "He's great actually!" She says cheerfully. But I see a hint of a lie in her eyes. "He hardly ever has any.. problems anymore..." She says.

"Does he... Still have" I pause, unsure of what to call them, "Flashbacks?"

She nods a little too quickly. As if she knew what I was going to say before I said it. "Yes." She pauses, then quickly adds, "Only occasionally though!"

"Oh." I say. "That's too bad." I feel the lump rise in my throat again. It's hard to think about Peeta still being haunted by the memories of what happened in the Capitol over three years ago. I feel the sting of tears and realize it's time to end this conversation, and quickly.

"I was wondering..." She begins, but I cut her off.

"I really have to be going Delly." I say. And before she can respond I begin to walk toward home. Pulling my game bag from over my shoulder and cramming the three squirrels into it none too gracefully. And when I hear her shout my name I immediately break into a run.

I know I look crazy. I know I'm acting stupid. But at this moment I don't care. Let people think whatever they want. The tears sting my eyes, but I manage to keep them at bay until I am home, behind closed doors. Even here I try to keep them from falling, but I fail. Somehow I have kept the pain away, thinking to myself that Peeta has a wonderful life now, full of happiness and love. But hearing that he is still haunted by flashbacks hurts me in a way I never thought imaginable. It makes it feel as if even without me Peeta can't be happy. It makes me feel as if Snow won in the end after all, that Peeta and I's lives are both ruined forever.

**xoxo**

**Year 4**

**[January]**

**Katniss POV**

My eyes shoot open as I hear the crunching of snow outside my window.

I haven't heard it in a very very long time. And I immediately sit up in bed. I hadn't been sleeping, but I thought perhaps if I began trying to sleep a little sooner perhaps sleep would come. I quietly slip out of bed, my feet barely making a noise on the hardwood floor of my bedroom. I stand at the edge of the window and gently pull the curtain back a fraction of an inch to peer outside. I see him. Peeta. Coming to look up at my window. I watch his dark silhouette as he stands staring up at my second story window.

I know that he can't possibly see me. I watch as he simply stares for a few minutes. Then turns around as if to head back to his house. Then I watch in amazement as he starts heading around to the front of my house. I quickly shuffle through the darkness to one of the empty bedrooms in my house, one that faces the front rather than the back. And peer out the curtains again, watching him pace outside of my front door.

What could be possibly be doing? Contemplating knocking on the door? Contemplating breaking in? Waiting for someone?

I watch amazed as he paces away from the door. Then back again. Throwing his hands into the air. It seems as if he's talking to himself, but I can't be sure what he's saying from this distance and I don't dare to attempt to open my window, for fear that he'd hear me and realize I'm watching him.

I watch him kick at a pile of snow, sending shimmers that catch and twinkle in the moonlight. Then he turns and stalks back toward the road. Back towards his house.

I turn away from the window for a moment. Should I go out there and confront him? I look down at my attire. Bare feet and legs, my pale green underwear and a plain white t-shirt I wore under my jacket all day. I make a dash for the stairs running up to my bedroom to pick out suitable attire. Tossing my shirt on the ground and quickly grabbing for the first long sleeved shirt I see in my closet. I grab my father's hunting jacket off of the rocking chair in the corner and throw it on. I dig in the pile of clothes on my floor for some pants that aren't covered in mud, then realize it doesn't matter. This is a confrontation, not a date. I throw on the cleanest pair I can find and a dirty pair of socks that were laying on the outskirts of the pile.

Downstairs I lace up my boots, unsure how long I'll be outside with Peeta and then run to the door. But hesitate before I turn the handle to leave.

"Oh for the love of..." I can't believe how ridiculous I'm being, but I fly to my downstairs bathroom. Flicking on the light and letting down my hair from it's braid. Running my hands through it to comb it out and then as quickly as I can re-braiding it. Smoothing down the fly-aways with a bit of water. I reach for the drawer underneath the sink and pull out some mint paste for my breath. I squeeze some onto my finger and lick it off, swishing it around in my mouth before spitting in the sink.

"What is wrong with me." I think out loud, sighing. And fling open the door, running into the night.

As I get closer to Peeta's house, I see a dark figure running away from it, towards town. It seems to be in quite a hurry, tripping several times over it's long shawl as it tries to get away.

"What the...?" I whisper again to myself. Realizing that I've been talking to myself a lot tonight. A sure sign of being completely crazy. I take off following the slow moving figure and as I get closer I realize it's a woman. And as I come up behind her, I realize it's Delly.

"Delly!" I whisper loudly. She quickly turns around, a terrified look in her eyes. When she realizes it's me she immediately turns and falls to her knees, sobbing.

"I-dontknowwhattodo." I can barely understand what she's saying between her sobs.

"Delly." I say again getting down on my knees in front of her and putting my hands on her shoulders. "What is wrong?" I say, still somewhat whispering although it's not necessary.

"I-" she stops again whiping at the tears on her face while taking frantic deep breaths.

I'm genuinely nervous now. Has something happened to Peeta? Something in the back of my mind asks 'why was she at Peeta's house so late?'. But I quickly push that aside. I give her a hard shake. "Delly look at me." She immediately obeys, the fear fresh in her eyes.

"What is going on?" I ask again.

She takes a deep breath before answering and points towards Peeta's house. "He's hurting himself-" She takes another shaky breath. "And throwing things." She finishes. I had already begun moving before she finished. Leaving her on her knees in the street. Running like I haven't ran in years I make my way inside Peeta's house.

As soon as I enter I hear crashing coming from the basement. His house being in the same layout as mine, it's easy to find. I run to the door of the basement and fling it open. Why was it closed? I practically fly down the stairs and narrowly miss being hit by a flying easel. It cracks into the wall to my left and I jump back. In the dimly lit basement I see one cobblestone wall lined with deep shelves filled with art supplies, half of the shelves are broken and the supplies are scattered all around the floor. Along another wall are paintings, some finished and some works in progress, I see scenes from our hunger games and a few sketches of what looks like a house.

In the middle of this all stands Peeta. I cringe as I watch him punch his fist into the cobblestone wall and instead of pulling it back, he drags it down the wall. Smearing blood the whole way down. I notice his feet are bare and there's broken glass littering the floor. His feet are covered in blood, and blood drips from his elbow to create a pool on the floor.

"Peeta!" I shout. He looks over his shoulder and I recoil at the hatred in his eyes. I feel the fear in my heart, but I honestly have nothing left to live for anyway. Peeta is in pain, and I am tired of running away from him. I take one step, and then another. My brain protests, fearing the hateful look in Peeta's eyes. But I'm more afraid of leaving him here alone to hurt himself further.

"Peeta you have to stop now." I say calmly.

A feral snarl seems to rip from his throat and he lunges at me. I quickly move out of the way and he stumbles on the remains of one of his easels. Falling forward and barely catching himself before hitting the cobblestone wall. I see my opportunity and fling myself toward him. Knocking him to the ground. He sits up against the wall and flails his arms trying to knock me away. Crazed. Rabid. Terrified.

I'm sitting in his lap now, trying to keep him from standing up. I catch an arm to the side of my head and feel dizzy for a moment, but recover quickly.

Suddenly he stops flailing at me and begins knocking his head backward into the cobblestone wall. I gasp and quickly put my hands behind his head. Attempting to block his skull from the hard stone. I wince as he flings his head back again and again. My fingers are crushed between his head and the wall each time. He drags me on top of him as even his neck is too strong for both of my arms and all of my body weight.

Without notice he grabs my upper right arm with his left hand and yanks me from around his neck. Pulling me to one side. I'm still straddling his waist and unable to move off of him as he holds my right bicep above my head in a grip so tight it feels like he might pop my arm right off.

"Peeta please!" I screech as I watch his other hand curl into a fist and raise, as if he's about to hit me. I'm reminded of Thresh in our first hunger games, raising the rock above his head and pounding it into Clove's skull. "Peeta!" I say again. He's going to hurt me, and later he'll hate himself for it. And I know that particular pain will be far worse to him than the pain of his fist hitting the wall. I should have stayed away.

I watch as he sits unmoving. One hand gripping my arm, the other recoiled to hit me in the face at any moment. His eyes boring into me with a look of deep hatred. Then I see it, the instantaneous change. One moment Peeta is a crazed lunatic, and the next he's Peeta. Staring up at me, quickly letting go of my arm as if it just scolded him and dropping his other arm simultaneously.

His gaze is still on mine as I reach up to slowly rub my bruised arm. I literally can't look away from him. And put my weight back onto my knees. Still in his lap.

I watch the recognition come to his eyes and then the tears. He closes his eyes and flings his arms to each side. He leans his head back gently against the wall and closes his eyes.

"Katniss." He croaks out, and I watch the tears begin to fall from his face, quickly trickling down his cheeks and falling into his tomato colored shirt. His features distort into a sad mask of pain and misery.

I'm unsure what to do, all I know is I want his pain to stop. I want this man to be happy, to forget all his pain, to forgive himself immediately for the things he can't control. I do the only thing that seems natural, I move my hand up to stroke his cheek. Brushing the tears from his eyes, I lean forward and gently put my hands on the sides of his head. Pulling him to me.

I close my eyes as I feel him snake one arm around my waist, and slide the other up my back pulling me closer to him, his body doubling over and his head resting heavily on my shoulder as his body is wracked with sobs. I quickly feel the dampness of his tears seep through my shirt. My jacket hangs off one of my arms. But I leave it. My heart aches. I turn my head to the side and rest it in the crook of his neck. I feel my tears start to slip down my own face as I run my hands through his hair, again and again. Comforting him in a way I didn't know I was capable of. I feel his hands grip the fabric of my of my shirt. I'm not sure how long we sit this way.

Beyond thinking clearly, I press my lips to his neck, planting a kiss against his feverish skin.

"I'm sorry Peeta." I whisper. He turns his face toward me and opens his brilliant blue eyes. Even more devastating with the tears making them sparkle. Shaking his head slowly. Unsure of what I'm apologizing for.

But I know. I'm apologizing for leaving him alone all this time to deal with these demons all by himself. I'm apologizing for not being there for him when he needed someone. I'm apologizing for the many times over the last three years that he may have harmed himself while not in the right mind, while I sat in my home ignoring him.

We stare at each other for a long moment... and then...

It's more natural then breathing. It happens without thought, without hesitation. We lean together in the same moment and our lips meet. The kiss is lush and warm, and tastes of salt from our tears. Neither of us think, we act purely on instinct. A deep primal need to connect and show what we've been feeling. His tongue invades my mouth and I stroke it eagerly with my own. Each stroke spurs us on further, drinking in each other and planting a burning fire inside of me.

His fingers are in my hair now, he leans back and I throw my arms around his neck. With his hands he moves my head to sway with his as our mouths dance, long and continuous. We break free for a moment and I rest my forehead on his. For a moment you hear nothing, but the panting of breath. One of his hands slip out of my hair and he brings it up to meet my face. Tears still slip from my eyes and he gently brushes them away with his thumb, over and over. He leans in and kisses me again, more slowly this time. Building something much more meaningful than the original fire within me. More tears fall, the seconds drag on as he moves against my mouth slowly. His hand runs up my back, then back down again, over and over.

We continue to sway, stroking our tongues again and again. He pulls my lip into his mouth and bites gently. My body sighs out the pent up frustration of the last... forever. My heart flutters in my chest, awakening for the first time in... forever.

We break free again, looking into each other's eyes. Really seeing each other for the first time in years. I see everything in his eyes. The same Peeta I've known almost my entire life. The one who admitted to loving me. Who would do anything for me. And I realize he still loves me. And I know that he can see in my eyes, that I want him to. It terrifies me. But I'm almost ready to accept our fate. When a simple noise reminds me of exactly why we can't and should never be together.

"Peeta?" Delly's voice from the top of the stairs. Her face peeks down and her eyes widen as she sees me straddled in Peeta's lap. I look back to Peeta. Panicking. Unsure of what to do. He hasn't taken his eyes off me. His mouth is open and he simply breaths. Staring at my face. I begin to move and I feel his hand grip tightly onto my shirt, before quickly letting go and allowing me to rise. He finally tears his eyes from me and looks toward Delly. I watch him glance down at his hand and wince. It's coated in wet and dried blood. I look down and realize that my shirt has bloody hand prints all over it. And realize there are probably more on my face and hands too.

I blush a deep red when I look at Delly. How long has she been standing there?

Guilt washes over me. Peeta and her are together. I've just kissed him when I knew he is in a happy relationship with another woman. I can't help but be angry at myself. And somehow this causes me to lash out at Delly.

"Why would you leave him alone when he's down here hurting? What if he had done permanent damage while you ran away?" I spit at her. Realizing immediately that I'm in the wrong. I move around her and run up the stairs. Running out the front door and out into the snow. Running as quickly as I can back to my home. I realize that I've left my jacket. But I'm definitely not going back to get it now.

This changes nothing. Peeta can be happy without me. He doesn't need me. He's much better off without me. I can survive without him.

This is what I tell myself.

**xoxo**

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	4. Year 4

**Chapter 4 is hot off the presses! **

**I was completely amazed at how quickly you guys hit the quota I set for reviews... It was hit [and passed] so quickly that I wasn't even finished with this chapter! Which is why I couldn't post as soon as I promised! (But in my defense, I got quite a few anonymous reviews that I'm a bit suspicious may have been the same person... I got so many in a row that I had to turn off anonymous reviews.) **

**If one third of the people who are supposedly being alerted to the story now review. I should have 100 reviews. So if we hit 100 reviews I'll post the next chapter before I go on vacation to Florida. So please tell me what you think by REVIEWING! **

**Year 3**

**[February]**

**Delly's POV**

"Has he hurt you?" I hear my brother's accusatory voice on the other end of the line. I sigh a heavy sigh.

"No Timm. He wouldn't do that." I try to make myself sound more convincing, but I'm not sure it works. No, Peeta hasn't hurt me. But that's only because I run away like a coward every time he has an episode. I remember back to a few weeks ago, watching Peeta and Katniss on the basement floor and close my eyes as a fresh wave of pain rushes over me. No Peeta hasn't hurt me physically. But emotionally, I have been harmed. A mantra runs through my mind, _'He can't control himself, soon he'll be better.' _

"I don't believe you Delly." Timm sounds genuinely angry now. "After you told me what happened with Katniss and Peeta I talked to Thom to see if he wouldn't keep an eye out for you-"

I cringe as I'm hearing this. The last thing I want is people thinking Peeta is some kind of monster.

"- and he said he saw Katniss Everdeen last week and she had a massive bruise on her arm! And another bruise on her face! You need to stay away from him Delly!" He's shouting so loudly I have to pull the receiver away from my ear.

"Timm, you of all people should know that he can't control himself when he has those flashbacks! He barely ever has them anymore, and when he does, I leave immediately. He's not going to hurt me. He can't help what he does."

"Delly!" This time it's I Peeta's voice I hear calling from outside my front door. He's here to take me over to the opening of the new museum here in District 12. I agreed to go to the event because Peeta had a huge hand in the museum being built, he also contributed a large portion of the paintings inside of the museum. But soon Peeta and I won't be living here in 12, we'll be living in District 2 with my father. So I don't know why Peeta went through all the trouble for the museum in the first place. I suppose maybe he wanted to give something back to our old home before leaving.

"I have to go Timm. I'll talk to you tomorrow." Without waiting for his angry answer, I hang up the phone and head for the front door. I feel my mood immediately brighten up when I see Peeta's smiling face on the other side of the door.

"Are you ready?" He asks politely, holding out his arm for me to take. The sun is just beginning to dip below the horizon. The museum opening tonight is going to be one of the nicest parties that District 12 has ever had. And Peeta is going to be one of the most important people there. And I'll be on his arm all night long!

"I'm always ready to see you Peeta!" And I am!

"Let's get going then!" Peeta smiles brightly and I'm happy to have the Peeta that doesn't terrify me back.

While walking down the road I feel the need to ask, "Did you take Katniss' jacket back to her yet?" I feel the stab of pain in my chest remembering that night almost a month ago. I've asked this question almost every day since then.

"No Delly I haven't." Peeta sighs. I wonder if he'll ever bring it back over to her. Or if she'll come looking for it one night, and then the next morning I'll get a call from this man that I love, telling me he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Telling me that he wants to be with Katniss.

This is my newest fear. But in a way, it's always been my fear.

After seeing the way they looked into each others eyes, after seeing their kisses in the dim light of the basement when they didn't think I could see. My heart is broken. Peeta has never kissed me like that before. I've tried to get him to kiss me like that ever since that night. But Peeta's kisses for me are soft and sweet. And his kisses for Katniss are hard and long. But maybe he knows I prefer sweet kisses...

But it's obvious he prefers them hard.

**xoxo**

**Katniss POV**

I open my eyes and he's in front of me. We're beneath a white bedsheet, laying on our sides, watching each other. The sun shines through the blanket, casting a bright yellow glow on each of our faces. Every once in a while the sheet flutters in the wind, but stays covering us. His hand slowly reaches to brush my hair away from my face, to push it behind my ear. I close my eyes at his gentle caress.

"You told me once that you noticed me on our first day of school and fell in love with me... Was that true?" I feel the need to ask. I believed him when he said it, but I love talking about him loving me.

"Mmmhmmmm..." He hums in response. It's long and drawn out, and I love it. Being with him here I feel more complete than I ever have in my life. Safe. My world is at peace. Perfect. He looks at me and I never question his motives. He loves me, only me, forever. And I can believe that all, just by watching him watching me.

"I noticed you too you know." I tell him. I'm not embarassed as I say this. In this dream I am excited that I can make him happy while telling the truth. I did notice him.

"Liar." He whispers. But his smile gets wider somehow, and he continues to stroke my cheek, my hair, whatever he can reach.

"No I did!" I laugh. "I saw you standing with your father, and I recognized him. He had brought cookies to my mother once." I tell him. The baker brought cookies for my mother's birthday. I had never thought about it, but I suppose they must have once been friends.

"Oh, so you noticed my father. Not me." He teases me. Suddenly he rolls, and pulls me on top of him, the sheet is still somehow around us. Blocking out the rest of the world. Keeping us only for each other.

"No, I remember looking right at you and wondering if you knew that your father brought my mother cookies." I pause here, kissing his nose as I add, "I wondered if you had cookies too."

He cups my chin with his hand, pulling me down for a kiss, our lips touch and I close my eyes. Loving every touch from this man. My man. "If I had known that all I needed to do to have you love me like I loved you was give you cookies. I would have brought you cookies every day."

**xoxo**

"Katniss! KATNISS! OPEN UP!"

I close my eyes tighter, hoping that if I close them tight enough my dream won't escape my mind.

"KATNISS YOU PROMISED ME!"

I roll my eyes. We both know why Greasy Sae wants me to take her to that museum opening. Although she hasn't admitted it, I'm pretty sure Greasy Sae has an obsession with trying to get me and Peeta to see each other. She knows that Peeta will be at the opening, and she's willing to do just about anything to get me there too.

"KATNISS EVERDEEN! WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY!" She bangs on the door even louder now. I'm afraid she may hurt herself.

Sighing, I slide my legs off the edge of the couch. My feet touch the floor and I reach my hand out to stroke the place where my head once was. A silent goodbye to my dream. I tiptoe to the front door and peek outside. Greasy Sae catches me looking at her and goes absolutely crazy.

"KATNISS DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE AN OLD WOMAN TO SIT OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR WAITING IN THE COLD!" I try not to giggle at how angry she's gotten in just a few short moments. I reach over to open the door. And I'm surprised to see not one set of eyes, but two. Next to Sae stands none other than Effie Trinket.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!" Sae shouts while her and Effie push their way into my home.

"Hello Katniss! Long time no see!" Effie chimes in, as giddy as always.

"I was sleeping..." I turn to watch Effie while trying to rub the sleep from my eyes. "When did you get into town Effie?" My words are slow. I look over to Greasy Sae who simply shrugs at me. I didn't realize bringing Effie Trinket with us was a part of our deal.

"I've been in town for almost 6 months Katniss." Effie says quietly. And immediately I feel guilty for not having asked about her sooner. She genuinely looks upset.

"I'm sorry Effie." I say quietly. She smiles back at me.

"It's okay, I understand what you poor things went through. You needed time. I'm taking good care of your old home though!"

I ignore the 'poor things' comment. Trying to smile back at her. Effie wears a more subtle bleach blonde wig now, but with just as many curls as the pink one. She looks as if she's aged much more than four years. I wonder if it has something to do with not having all of the surgical enhancers here that the Capitol has. Just seeing her has brought an onslaught of memories rushing back to me. Peeta and I holding hands for the first time in the chariot at the opening of the 74th hunger games. Cinna being beaten to death right in front of my eyes. Peeta laughing and shouting to Effie while he literally licked his plate clean in our cave during the games.

"Go pick out something to wear and hurry." Greasy Sae shoves me toward the stairs that lead up to my room. "We don't have all day."

When did her and Effie become friends anyway? I make a point of being as slow as I can as I make my way to my bedroom. I open my closet and sigh at my depressing options. I hear either Effie or Sae coming up the stairs behind me. Probably Effie. I spot the yellow dress that my mother sent me a few years back laying on the floor of my closet. I quickly grab it and throw it under my bed before Effie reaches my room. I refuse to be coerced into wearing a dress.

"That is a depressing sight." Effie frowns when she sees my closet. It's probably the most bare closet she's ever seen.

For the millionth time in the last two days I wonder why I'm going along with Greasy Sae's plan. Well, I try to pretend like I don't know why I'm going along with it, but I do.

Peeta will be there...

And I have to get my jacket back.

Right?

"What about this one?" Effie pulls out an old strapless red dress that my mother gave to me. She gives it a once over and notices how faded it is. It was my mothers for a very very long time. "Oh, well this won't do." She places it carefully back into the closet.

"It doesn't matter anyway, I'm not wearing a dress." I say firmly. Greasy Sae gives me a scowl.

"This is a museum opening Katniss! Not a hike through the woods! Do you think poor Sae and I want to be embarassed! You're supposed to be our hot date!" Effie smiles. Digging through the clothes that have fallen to the bottom of the closet and I didn't bother to hang back up.

"Regardless," I say. "I'm not wearing a dress." Getting nervous as she digs, I'm pretty sure there was at least one more dress somewhere in this closet. And I don't want her to find it.

"This one is it!" She pulls out of the pile the exact white dress that I was worried about her finding. Just looking at it makes me blush. My mother sent that for me nearly two years ago too. Along with the yellow one. I chose the yellow one to wear out with my mother because the white one seemed disturbingly revealing. Very very tight from the waist up with a full 8 inches of disturbingly low neckline. The bottom is made up of dozens of long, white, sparkling petals, made from a gauzy material, that hang down just past my knees. The petals are almost see through, they're filmy and flutter at every movement. It's a gorgeous dress.

"I am not under ANY circumstances wearing that dress." I say. I feel my cheeks burning red. Sae turns to look at me.

"I'm wearing white too. We'll match!" For the first time I look down and notice she has on a long sleeved white dress with black dots all over it. It has a line of black buttons up the middle and is buttoned all the way to the top. I see her reach up and unbutton the top button. "There, now we match more. A little cleavage never hurt anyone." She smiles and closes my closet doors as if the note is final. Effie grins from ear to ear and begins untangling the dresses thin straps.

"I am not wearing that." I say again.

"Katniss you were once the girl on fire!" Greasy Sae whispers dramatically, "This is your first public debut since the war ended over two years ago!"

"Four." Effie and I say at the same time. "It's been four years." Effie says again. I look over at her and her head dips the tiniest bit. For the first time I wonder how much this war effected Effie. The war helped hundreds of thousands of people in the districts. But for the people of the Capitol life has taken a dramatic turn. They don't have everything handed to them. They have to work for it. And they'd probably be burned at the stake if they were caught drinking any of that clear magic vomit potion they showed Peeta and I.

Sae feigns being surprised at our announcement. "Four years! Well you're DEFINITELY over-do then!"

"De-fin-ite-ly." Effie says. Breaking apart each syllable.

I shake my head again. "I'm not wearing that."

"Katniss." Effie stops fussing with the dress and turns to look at me. Gently touching my shoulder with her hand. "Peeta is going to be there," this doesn't surprise me, of course, I already knew that.

"And your point?" I feel my cheeks burn again at her bluntness.

"My point is that Delly Cartwright will be there too. And somewhere deep down in that tough exterior of yours, there there has to be a girl. A girl who at least has some small desire to look a tiny bit better than her competition when going to an important event. Somewhere deep deep-" She looks me up and down. "Deep deep deep deep down."

"We don't have time for this." Greasy Sae is out of patience. "Effie you go work on her hair, I'll deal with the dress."

"Right." Effie says descending upon me and pushing me out my bedroom door.

"I'm not wearing that dress." I repeat again.

**xoxo**

**Peeta's POV**

"Peeta these paintings are absolutely fabulous!" A man gushes over some of my depictions of scenes from my first and second hunger games.

"Thank you he's worked so hard on them!" I hear Delly respond in my favor.

My mind tries to imagine any of the people around me in those games. They'd never survive. Not one of them. I can't even believe I did.

"So I hear Katniss Everdeen will be making an appearence tonight!"

Whatever day dream I was in, that just snapped me out of it. I feel Delly squeeze my hands once. She must have noticed my reaction.

"How would you even know?" I realize after I say it that it came out wrong. I can't decide if I'm excited or petrified at the idea of Katniss showing up here tonight.

"Well..." She stops, unsure of what to say. "That's what everyone has been saying all night."

Her name is Marza or Maris or something like that, I don't know I haven't been paying attention all night. But I suddenly wonder if she didn't just make this rumor up herself.

I feel out of place here, even surrounded by so many of my paintings and my few friends. I don't belong here. I look around and see strangers. All dressed up with no where to go. They're looking at my paintings. They like them. They sip wine. They talk. I don't belong here, I don't want to be here. It reminds me too much of the Capitol parties during the games.

I can feel the blood begin to pulse in my ears. The ground feels like it's shaking beneath me. A woman with a high pitched voice begins to laugh behind me, but it doesn't stop. It starts out as a cackle and then slowly turns into a long drawn out scream in my mind. Continuously buzzing just behind me, I shake my head, trying to clear it. But it only seems to get louder. People move about the room and I can't help but notice the shadows that their bodies cast along the white washed walls, long dark shadows that seem to be quivering. They get darker and darker and seem to be creeping towards me. I feel one grab my hand and I recoil, flinging my arm to the side and knocking over something that shatters into a million pieces onto the floor. Someone screams and I turn to see who, but I can't see anything but the darkness now.

Something calls my name and I start to back away from it. Away from the reaching shadows that quiver on the wall... That reach out toward me.

"Peeta please." Something keeps calling my name. I hear the pleading in it's voice, but I know it must be some kind of trick of the shadows. I try to remember any of the million things that Dr. Aurelius taught me to think of when I'm in these moments. These moments before having a flashback. But they aren't working.

_"...Katniss..." _

What was that?

"...that's Katniss Everdeen!" The ground stops quivering long enough for me to realize that someone is talking about Katniss. My vision begin to clear and I realize I'm sitting on the ground. Delly is hovering above me, a terrified look on her face. The few people around me have all turned their attention to the door. I stand up quickly to see what they're looking at and I see her.

Katniss stands in a throng of people. All trying to see the girl who hasn't emerged in years. The girl who was on fire. Alive again.

My heart leaps into my throat. She's wearing a white dress with a plunging neckline. Her hair is pulled back away from her face and cascades down her back in a long mass of silky curls. There's something in it that makes it shimmer like it's covered in glitter. She smiles and I feel a very primal ache in my stomach. Effie Trinket bobs around next to her, happy to be so near all the attention. Greasy Sae also standing next to them. Dressed up in an old fashioned white dress with black polka dots. She looks thrilled.

I feel myself take a step toward them, and then another. When I feel a sudden tug on my arm.

"Peeta. Are you okay?" I snap out of it and look down. Delly is looking up at me expectantly. For a moment I hate myself, for dragging this poor innocent girl into this dark twisted world of mine. I never really thought I would be able to move on from Katniss. And leading Delly along this far is unforgiveable. My world and hers should never have collided. She's sweet and completely innocent to the horrors of this world. She and I don't belong. Maybe before the hunger games, and the war. But not now. Definitely not now.

So now what am I supposed to do? Surely I can't continue this pretense with Delly while I dream of losing myself with Katniss every night?

This moment I know, that I can't lead Delly on any longer. It isn't fair to her. Even if Katniss will never be available, even if she'll never be with me in the way I so desperately want her to be. Being with Delly won't fix anything. There's no point in ruining a third life by bringing it into Katniss and I's. You can't throw a good apple into a bushel of bad and expect it not to become bad too.

"I'm sorry Delly. I'm fine." I say, smiling at her. My heart breaking for what I'll have to do later tonight. The sooner, the better. But for now I won't embarass her and ruin this event for her. For now I'll stay by her side, and try not to let her catch me staring at Katniss any more than she already has.

"Are you sure? I thought maybe you were..." She trails off here, not wanting to mention my flashbacks. Somehow this annoys me.

"I'm sure." I say sternly. My mood has gone sour.

"Peeta! Peeta!" I look over to see Ellee, a red headed girl who was few grades below me in school. She rushes to my side.

"Hi Ellee!" Delly bubbles waving to her while clutching on to my arm for dear life. Suddenly she's in a very good mood again.

"Oh! Hi Delly!" Ellee beams back. She turns her face back to me. "Peeta can I get a picture of you and Katniss Everdeen together?" Her smile is contagious apparently because I find myself smiling for some reason.

I sit for a moment, thinking about it. What should my reaction be? I'm not sure what I should say. So I do what comes the most natural.

"I don't see why not if you can manage to talk her into it."

And what comes the most natural to me, is to welcome any opportunity to bring Katniss close to me.

The part of my brain that associates Katniss with pain groans at me. What is wrong with me? No man should be so excited just to stand next to someone. But I'm deprived, and I know it. Ever since that kiss we shared in my basement I can't get her out of my mind. And now seeing her, even a few weeks later...

I'm crazed for her.

I've loved her my entire life. Is it so hard to imagine that I may be a little too excited about seeing her? Being near her... kissing her... touching her...

"Are you sure that's a good idea Peeta?" Delly looks up at me and again I feel guilty.

"Oh." I say looking to Ellee. "Maybe it's not such a good idea Ellee-"

"What's not such a good idea?" I'd know that voice anywhere. I turn to see Effie Trinket standing behind me. Blonde hair bobbing as she literally can't stand still. Next to her stands Katniss. A pink tinge lights up her cheeks. I'm not sure if it's makeup or if she's blushing. But it's beautiful. My eyes slip for a fraction of a second down to the front of her chest, where you can see a fair amount of flesh. Not like anything I've seen Katniss where before. But I'm not going to start complaining.

"Please Peeta?" Ellee says next to me. Holding up her camera as if she's going to take the picture with or without my permission.

"A picture?" Katniss says, I can hear the trepidation in her voice.

"Ellee was asking to get a picture next to you and I." I say. My voice barely audible in the throng of people.

"Oh." Katniss says.

"Move in closer you two!" Effie babbles as she presses us together. A shiver runs through my body at the feel of Katniss next to me. And somehow my eyes wander for another split second to her chest. I quickly look back up to see Greasy Sae has been selected to take the picture, since Effie has decided she's going to be included in the picture itself. Effie slides in next to Katniss and Ellee takes a spot next to me. After a few seconds Sae announces it's perfect and we all drop our poses. But Katniss stays standing next to me.

"We'd better go make our rounds Katniss!" Effie chimes in. "Good to see you Peeta!" She gives me a tight hug and grabs Katniss' hand to pull her away from me.

I don't know what I'm thinking, but I reach out and grab Katniss other hand. "Hold on a second." I hear myself say.

"P..Peeta?" Katniss looks up at me. Effie looks back, letting go of Katniss' arm.

I panic, unsure of what I wanted to say. So I say the first thing that comes to mind. "Don't leave tonight without me. I have to get you that jacket." I can see that she's thinking of protesting. Perhaps about to tell me that I can keep the jacket, or that she'll get it another time. So I lean in quickly to whisper, "We need to talk." I lean back and it doesn't seem like enough. "Tonight." I add.

I look around to see everyone staring at our very inappropriate exchange. Very inappropriate if you think about the fact that my girlfriend stands somewhere behind me. But very appropriate if you know anything about Katniss and I.

Katniss looks up at me with her eyes wide, mouth slightly open. I can't help the reaction my body has to her looking at me like that. Effie smiles a wicked grin behind her.

"Come on Katniss! You can't spend your whole night on just one group of fans!" She giggles. She catches Katniss' hand again and tugs. I can't help but smile, but I don't set Katniss free just yet. I discreetly rub my thumb across her knuckles. Her hands feel rough still. Even after all these years.

"Will you meet me?" I say quietly. She looks unsure, but surprisingly she gives me the tiniest of nods before Effie slaps my hand away.

"She's mine for now Mr. Mellark! I won't let you have her!" She giggles ferociously and pulls Katniss away, with Greasy Sae in tow.

I catch myself smiling as I watch them leave. Once they're out of sight, lost in the crowd of people, I turn to see that both Ellee and Delly are missing. I take a deep breath and hold it for a moment.

What a mess I've gotten myself into.

Breaking Delly's heart will be horrible. But she's much better off without me, and I'm sure by now she has to see at least some of that too. Somehow I feel like she has to be expecting it. I honestly don't see how she hasn't left me already.

But it's hard to concentrate on how horrible that's going to be, when you know that afterward, you have a date with Katniss Everdeen.

**xoxo**

**There you go! Sorry it's not as great as the last chapter. I had to cut it short so I could get it out tonight! No grumbling, I'll have the next one up soon though! And I promise you'll love it!**

**Review Review Review!**


	5. Year 4 February

**As promised! I just got my 100th review on the story and I posted chapter 5! I leave for Florida tomorrow and will be on vacay for 3 days... So don't expect a new chapter till Friday. But I promise to work on it when I have free time on the plane and will post when I get back Friday if I have... oh say... 150 reviews maybe? Not too many if 1/3 of the people reading this story so far review! **

**I hope you enjoy and I promise I won't be posting another chapter without at least SOME smut in it after this one!**

**I'd like to give a special thank you to my beta, Firefox (as in the browser) without your spellcheck, I'd be thoroughly humiliated in my constant failed attempts to spell embarassed. (embarrassed). **

**Love . Nicolette  
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**Year 4**

**[February]**

**Peeta's POV**

"Have you seen Delly?" I've asked at least a dozen people in the museum that same question. Half of them say they haven't seen her, the other half ask who I'm talking about.

It's strange to think that there are so many citizens of District 12 who aren't originally from District 12. It's almost laughable when you think that before the war there wasn't a soul on the planet who actually wanted to live in District 12.

The inhabitants that lived in District 12 before the war were here because they were born and raised here, because they weren't allowed to leave. Now it seems that several of the districts have decided that District 12 is a better place to live than their own homes. Perhaps there were too many memories for them and they came here as an escape. Perhaps they wanted to be as far from the Capitol and as close to District 13th as they could be without actually being in District 13. And even perhaps, like me, they wanted to move to the District where the Mockingjay lives, where the girl on fire was born and raised.

"I think I saw her go out back." Thom responded to me. He's wearing a deep frown. "You know Peeta, I promised Timm that I'd keep an eye on Delly for him. You're not..." Here he hesitates and then drops his sentence while shrugging, not quite looking me in the eye.

"I wouldn't hurt her Thom." I say. Sounding angry, but feeling ashamed. Ashamed because I know there were plenty of times I might have hurt her, if she didn't leave so quickly every time I began to freak out.

But Thom looks ashamed now, "I know you wouldn't Peeta, I'm sorry." He looks up in the direction of Katniss, somewhere over my right shoulder. I don't even need to look to know where in this room she is. My body seems to have developed sensors that let me know when she's near. I wonder if 22 years of obsession will do that to a man.

"Keep looking out for her though Thom." I say. And then quickly head to the back door. Before he can ask me what I'm talking about.

I see Delly as soon as I open the back door of the museum. Ellee sits next to her with her arm around her shoulders. Delly's face is in her hands and it's obvious she's been crying. I take a deep breath. They haven't noticed me yet. For a brief moment I consider going back inside. Putting all this off.

But I know this needs to be done tonight. Before I talk with Katniss.

I step outside now, letting the door fall shut. I clear my throat and both their heads snap up to look at me. Ellee frowning and looking thoroughly uncomfortable being in the middle of all this. Delly's eyes red and puffy, her nose bright red, either from sniffling or from being outside in the chilly February night air.

"I think you two probably want to talk..." Ellee stands, giving Delly a reassuring rub on her back. "I'm going to see if they have any more of those tarts left!" She laughs awkwardly. Trying to break the tension in the air. It doesn't work, but you can't blame her for trying.

For a moment Delly and I simply listen to the happy voices of the people enjoying the party inside. But once the door closes behind Ellee, the noises are cut off and we're left listening to nothing but the wind through the trees behind the museum.

"Delly..." I say her name in a sigh. Sitting down next to her on the curb. It's freezing back here, and she pulls her cloak tighter around her shoulders. I look down at her gold strapped sandals. Her toes are curled up to help protect them from the cold. I open my mouth to speak, but she surprises me by speaking first.

"It was never going to be me was it Peeta?"

I pull in a deep breath and then let it out slowly. Unsure of how to respond. She waits for a few moments before continuing herself.

"It's always been her...Hasn't it?" She laughs now, bringing her hand up to wipe at her eyes. I lean forward and put my elbows on my knees. Letting my hands hang between them.

"My feelings for Katniss are very..." I wait for a second, rubbing my face with my hand. Fighting for the right word to sum up Katniss and I's relationship. "..complicated." I decide.

"It's honestly not that complicated Peeta." She laughs a tiny bitter laugh. "You love her. I've watched you for the last 20 years Peeta." She looks up at me with shimmering blue eyes that almost match my own. "I've watched you watch her. Hoping someday you'd watch me instead." She stands quickly now, and I follow suit.

"Delly wait." I say, putting my hand on her shoulder before she can grab for the door to go back into the party. I'm still completely lost for words, I had a speech planned for this conversation. Explaining to her how I'm no good for her. Telling her how great her life will be without me.

She sounds almost angry now when she speaks, "Did you ever even intend on actually coming to District 2 with me and my family Peeta?"

"What do you mean?" I try to sound firm, but inside I'm panicking. I went through all of the motions of trying to leave. I looked at homes, I talked with her father, I packed up some of my things. I even looked into buying land and building my own home instead of buying one. Trying to blame my reluctance on leaving District 12 on not being able to find a suitable home in District 2. I spent hours upon hours attempting to sketch blueprints for the perfect house. But I knew all along that I wasn't sure if I was capable of moving. I knew that I wasn't sure that I wanted to move. I couldn't be so far from Katniss. Even when she seemed to hate me, I didn't feel like I was capable of leaving her.

"My father finished his new home over a year ago Peeta! Why are we still here? You told me you were going to move with me! I thought-" I hear the crack in her voice and watch her swallow twice. Tears jumping to her eyes once again. "I thought maybe you had come around after all..." She stops again. I can honestly feel a lump rising in my throat while I watch her. I know all to well the pain she feels. Wanting someone who doesn't want you. And it hurts to think that I can't be with Delly, it hurts to know that I can't make her happy in that way. She's probably my dearest friend now. The last person on Earth I would want to harm, next to Katniss. And that's always where she will be. Next to Katniss.

"You have no idea Delly..." I reach out to touch her face and she turns away from me. "You have no idea how sorry I am." I say. I feel a traitorous tear fall down my cheek. This woman who has stood by me this entire time. Four years of being by my side, through thick and through thin. Four years I've been putting her through hell and back, and it's about time that I man up and put her out of my misery. "But I can't be with you anymore. It's not fair to you." I finish.

I know that she knew before I said it that we were through. I knew she knew what was going to happen from the moment I heard her speak the words, _"It was never going to be me was it Peeta?" _But I also knew that it wouldn't be a clean break until she heard the words directly. I watch the pain flash across her face before she turns. Opening the door.

"I love you Peeta." She whispers quietly. "I always have and I probably always will."

"Are you leaving the party?" I ask.

"Yes, I'm going home." She laughs a tiny sad laugh. "There's not much left here for me to celebrate. Although I've wanted to say all night... Your paintings are breathtaking."

"Thank you." I respond simply.

"Would you mind... walking me home?" She asked quietly.

I wonder for a moment if it's a good idea. I don't want her holding onto hope. She needs to move on, I want for her to move on.

"Sure."

I'm unable not to do this small favor for this faithful, wonderful woman. She's done so much for me and I repay her by leaving her for another woman. A woman who may not even want me.

"I'll meet you at the front door." She says calmly. Anticipating my answer before I gave it. She turns and walks inside. I wait a few moments before following her in. Hoping no one notices how long we were outside together.

I scan the room for a moment before locking eyes with Katniss. I wonder if she'd been looking for me, but decide that she probably hasn't been. She was probably relieved when she couldn't find me. Thinking she had gotten out of her deal to talk to me after the party. I walk up to her, pushing past the many admirers surrounding her. She looks up at me, and we ignore the several requests for pictures from the people around us.

I lean down to whisper in her ear quickly. "I'm walking Delly home, would you mind meeting me at my house?"

She watches me for a moment, trying to decide, "I don't think that's a good idea." She says firmly. Offering no form of explanation for her response.

I don't know what to say, how do I convince her to meet me? I lean down to whisper again, "Don't make me beg in front of all these people Katniss." I lean back just enough to see her eyes widen and for some reason I'm smiling. "You know I would!" I threaten. I watch the blush spread across her cheek and smile wider. She shoots me an evil glare.

"You wouldn't."

"I would." I begin to drop to my knees, hearing my metal leg click as I descent.

"Stop stop stop!" She whispers wildly, "Okay okay! Fine, whatever you want! Just get up!"

"What's this? Another proposal Mr. Mellark!" Someone shouts, and those around us laugh and clap. Katniss' blush deepens and she reaches down to yank me up off of the ground in front of her.

"I'll see you there." I whisper to her quickly and make my way to the front door of the museum.

"Leaving already Peeta?" A few ask as I walk, but I ignore them. Suddenly I'm in a hurry to get Delly home. A hurry to get back to my home. Where Katniss will be waiting.

**xoxo**

**Delly's POV**

I don't remember the first time I met Peeta. He's always been there, in my life. I don't remember there being a time that I felt uneasy with him. Simply because I can't remember that far back. Our families have been together since we were born. His two brothers friends of my two brothers, and of me. Their mother was sometimes cruel toward Peeta and his brothers and father. But for some reason she was kind to me. I always thought that perhaps she was upset that she had no daughters. Or perhaps she was upset that her husband never seemed to speak and was happy that I had a kind word or two.

I used to go to bed every night, thinking of Peeta being my husband. Imagining waking up every day to Peeta baking in my home. Imagining him bringing me flowers and confessing his love to me.

I always knew my dreams were foolish. Peeta was absolutely obsessed with that strange seam girl Katniss Everdeen. She was in our class, but never spoke to anyone. I always found her kind of strange. And much much too skinny. But Peeta was absolutely infatuated.

He told no one, but I always knew. I would see him in class watching her. When visiting his home I found a notebook once that had a few sketches of her. When I found it I felt, well, jealous. I showed the notebook to his oldest brother Wyllum and Wyllum and their other brother Izak teased Peeta for weeks afterward. Running around with the pages of the book high in the air while Peeta tried to grab them. Threatening to tell his mother he was drawing pictures of a seam girl.

I pretended to feel bad, but in reality I was happy that they were teasing him. Happy that they reaffirmed how absurd it was that he should like her.

It was probably the cruelest thing I've ever done in my life.

"Will you move to be with your father now?" Peeta's voice breaks my thoughts. We're nearly to my house now. Walking this entire way without speaking.

I don't answer him, but instead ask another question, "Have you talked with Katniss at all? About..." I stop. Unable to finish my sentence.

"About...?" He waits, but I say nothing. So he continues, "About being together?" I nod in response. "No I haven't." Is all he says.

Suddenly I wonder why I'm so heartbroken. Surely Katniss doesn't want Peeta. After all this time she's had to try and be with him. After all they've been through...All she's done is ignore him for nearly 4 years. Save that small incident in the basement. Surely she'll turn him away tonight, right?

"I don't think I will move to District 2 right away, no." I say quietly. Peeta immediately stops walking.

"Why not? Don't you want to be with your family?"

"I want to be with you Peeta." I say, searching his eyes for any form of happiness at my confession. But instead he closes his eyes.

"Delly I don't know how to make you understand-"

"Shhh." I say as I press my fingers to his gorgeous lips, silencing him. "We're not together right now, I understand that. You go talk it out with Katniss. If you need me, I'll be at home. Call me." I say. "I can walk by myself from here." I remove my fingers from his lips and turn to walk toward my house.

"Delly." I hear him say softly behind me. "Even if she says that she doesn't want me... I refuse to ruin your life anymore. I honestly think you should go to be with your family. I know I would if I had that option." At this he turns away from me, back toward his own home.

I close my eyes at the hurt that washes over me. Hearing him say these things to me are honestly too much for me to take. I've done nothing, but wait patiently by his side for the last few years. Do I deserve all this?

No.

Will I wait for him still?

Yes.

**xoxo**

**Peeta's POV**

As I turn away from her I feel my heart breaking for what probably won't be the only time tonight. My walking pace begins to quicken regardless. Knowing I'll see Katniss soon. As I near my house I see her, standing by the door her arms crossed. Shivering in the cold.

Damn.

Why didn't she let herself inside?

I break into a run, suddenly in a hurry to get her into the warmth of my home before she turns to ice and shatters before my eyes.

"Why didn't you go inside?" I say, reaching out for her. She moves away from me.

"I didn't know I was allowed to." She says quietly, avoiding my gaze.

Shit. I guess I left that out of my instructions when I was blackmailing her with threats of embarrassment earlier. I quickly reach for the door and open it, allowing her to walk inside first. I feel my heart give a kick against my chest. Seeing her standing in my living room, looking devastatingly beautiful, shivering, I want nothing more than to take her in my arms, to help warm her up. But I know she'd never let me. So instead I gesture to the couch to invite her to sit down, take off my coat, and begin to build a fire in the small hearth in my living room.

**xoxo**

**Katniss' POV**

I watch in silence as he slips out of his heavy wool jacket, and then his thin suit coat. Hanging them gently on a coat rack by his door. He picks up an armful of wood and kneels down to place it inside the hearth. Quickly building a small fire and slowly placing large freshly chopped logs to make it produce more heat.

I honestly can't help admiring him as he does this. Beneath his shirt, taught muscles strain against the thin white fabric. He seems to have only grown more muscular since our games together. His arms larger than the logs that he's tossing into the fire. His blond hair, so tidily arranged earlier in the night, looks as if he's been running his hands through it. A few strands fall across his forehead. His skin is tanned, surprising considering how little sun we see in the winter here in District 12. I find myself wanting to run my hands over his broad shoulders, put my hands in his hair, feel his strong arms around me.

He stands back up from the fire and turns to look at me.

"Do you mind if I sit next to you?" He asks. I shake my head in a negative fashion and watch him as he folds his tall form to sit next to me on the wide black couch. The couch feels soft and leathery and when he turns his eyes on me I quickly turn to admire the couch instead of him.

"You said you wanted to talk?" I finally ask, when the quiet becomes too much to handle.

"I do." He responds. "Your coat is up there." He points to the coat rack and I notice my coat hanging from one of the lower pegs.

"Oh." I turn back toward him slowly, "Is that all then?"

I watch his lips stretch into a small crooked smile and feel my stomach flip over. I swallow hard.

"No Katniss."

"Does Delly know I'm here with you?" I ask quickly. Reminding him, and myself, that Delly is a part of this equation.

I hear him sigh heavily and lean forward toward me. "I want to be with you Katniss." This sudden admission stuns me for a moment.

"What about Delly Peeta, you have a great life with her now-"

"Is this really about Delly Katniss?" Peeta responds, a little more loudly this time. "Or is this just about you. What happened a few weeks ago Katniss? Why would you kiss me like that...Why would you risk your life to help me if you don't care about me?"

I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. "I do..." I stop and try to clear my throat, hoping whatever words that come out of my mouth make sense. "I do care about you Peeta. You're my friend." I pause to look up at him. "You have a great life with Delly now Peeta. You make her so happy, and she seems to make you happy too..." I trail off slowly.

I think of Delly at the party tonight, shiny, golden hair pulled back in an elegant twist. Gorgeous blue eyes framed by thick blond lashes, pink cheeks and bright red lips. A red slip of a dress with sparkling blue gems that match her eyes sewn into the fabric. A now very slim figure with wide hips and large breasts any man would probably die for. The memory makes me blush. Effie and Sae's attempt to make me look better than Delly tonight had failed miserably. I pale in comparison to Delly.

"Not to mention the fact that she's gorgeous." I finish timidly.

"Delly is gorgeous Katniss!" Peeta suddenly stands, shouting now. "She's gorgeous and kind and thoughtful, she's innocent and whoever ends up with will be the second luckiest guy in the world."

I'm too afraid of his answer to ask who the first luckiest man will be. He waits for me to ask, and when I don't he rubs his hand down his face. This small gesture reminds me of my father. Who was twice Peeta's age when he died.

"Those all sound like perfect reasons to stick with Delly to me." I whisper, looking down at my hands in my lap.

Peeta laughs a dark laugh. "I don't enjoy hurting people like that Katniss."

"You wouldn't hurt anyone." I say quickly.

"Do you want to know the funniest thing about you Katniss?" He pauses, and I don't move. "The difference between you and Delly is, no matter how much I tell her to leave me, she won't." He stops and shakes his head slowly. "And I know that no matter how much I beg you to stay with me. You probably never will." My heart skips a beat. Did he already end things with Delly? Tell her he didn't want to be with her? I'm too nervous to ask.

"Delly is so happy..." I try again.

"You really think she's happy? You don't think she's hurting?" Peeta sounds angry now. "You think she's so happy with me? That I wasn't ruining her life just by being around her Katniss?" He flings his arms in the air and let's them fall. I watch him now, waiting for him to explain what he could possibly be getting at.

"Do you think that it's fair to Delly that I talk about you constantly? Do you think she likes the fact that she watched every moment of our Hunger Games and had to watch me confess my feelings for you like an idiot, had to watch me kiss you and propose to you, had to hear me lie about you carrying my child? Do you think that it's fair to her when she hears me whisper your name in my sleep? Or when she notices I've left my fucking house in the middle of the night to go check on that same girl?" He pauses for a moment, watching my face intently. "Do you think she's okay with me paying Greasy Sae to bring you food for four god damn years just so I can be sure that you're actually eating? Do you think it's fair to her that I can't kiss her without thinking of you?"

I'm completely speechless, obviously I knew about our games being televised and about him checking on me in the middle of the night, but everything else is a complete shock. I stand up to move toward the door and suddenly he's in front of me.

"Tell me what I need to do Katniss." He says quietly, his eyes catching and holding mine. He reaches up to touch my face gently. "Katniss, I love you still." My eyes are wide, I'm unable to move. Unable to do anything but listen to his confession. "I've loved you my entire life, it's always been you. It will always be you. You were pretty much the only thing that got me out of bed every morning. The thought of seeing you all those years when we were in school. These last few years without you have been miserable." He let's his hand drop and instead grabs my hand in his. "I've been miserable Katniss. I don't know what I need to do, but I need you in my life. Somehow, someway, you _need_ to be there. Please..." He let's go of my hand, "You tell me what you need from me Katniss. Tell me what I have to do to have you around. Because obviously whatever I've done so far, isn't enough."

My breath is ragged now, I feel the tears pricking my eyes. I have no idea what to say. This wonderful perfect man, taking care of me all this time. Even years after our lives took different paths. In this moment I would give anything to be able to forget all that's happened. Forget all the hurt I've caused him, to be able to forget all the pain that I've caused him, to be unable to imagine the pain that I will undoubtedly cause him in the future if I took his hand right now. If I changed the course of our lives by accepting his admission of love, telling him how much I love him, how much I desperately want to wake up next to him every morning, to feel his arms around me every night.

But I'm not able to forget, and I am able to imagine. And I know that I can't hurt this man. I can't be with him... But I can't be without him.

"Friends." I say so quietly I'm not sure he can hear me. But he does.

"Friends?" He says slowly. As if the word is foreign to him. "Just friends...?"

I nod once. "You aren't ruining Delly's life Peeta. You're wonderful. Everything around you is..." I can't think of a word that sums up everything I want to say, "...infinitely better." Not exactly what I wanted to say, brain. But good enough I suppose.

"Why don't we try being friends. Just try seeing each other more than just a few times a year." I try to let out a laugh, but it doesn't come out right. "For all we know, if we spend more than a week in each other's company, we'll hate each other!"

Now Peeta laughs. Shaking his head and walking away from me, flopping into a chair with a heavy sigh. I watch as he takes me in head to foot, slowly. A dark look in his eyes that makes me squirm in my seat. He looks downright sexy sitting there, looking at me with the kind of look you give a large leg of grooseling before taking a bite. Memories of the kiss we shared on the beach in our second hunger games and in the basement of this very house come flooding to the surface. I try to push them back down, but in the back of my mind I wonder... Can we ever truly just be friends?

We have to stay friends, for Peeta. And honestly, for my own sanity.

"Real friends then? The kind who actually talk and don't ignore Peeta all the time?" He asks, smiling openly now. I nod quickly. Unable to shake the feeling that spending too much time alone with Peeta has the very dangerous potential to turn into so much more.

"Every single day. At least a conversation." I assure him.

He runs his hand over his face once more. And laughs again."Fine Katniss. Friends then. Just friends."

I smile, happy that this talk is over. Happy that things can continue as they are. Happy that I can come see Peeta when I want without having to worry about ruining his life, or getting his hopes up. Just friends.

**xoxo**

**Peeta's POV**

I wanted to ask her to stay, but the last thing I wanted to do was chase her away by trying to push the boundaries she's set too far too quickly. So she left me here, in my chair, all alone again.

Friends.

Just friends.

That will have to be enough I suppose.

For now.

**xoxo**

**There's chapter 5. Kind of a filler chapter... You see, I always expect these chapters to contain so much more than they do, then I go into so much detail and add in so much extra shit that I feel like needs to be in the story to make it complete that they sometimes end up like this. This sets the scene at least for what's to come. **

**Just so you know, I'm determined to make this not end up like so many other stories. Not just be them like, you know, baking together and end up kissing, end up with a lemon, end up married. So expect as much originality as humanly possible with a ton of the mandatory lemony smut thrown in for a good Peeta/Katniss story.**

**Review Review Review! The more you review the more pressured I am to get a chapter up for you!**


	6. Year 4 March

**Hey Chapter 6 is ready! For anyone who's wondering [and I know most of you aren't] I had a lovely time in Florida! **

**I apologize in advance for the very cliche baking scene, I suppose any good Katniss/Peeta story is required at least one cheesy lovey-dovey baking scene, and apparently this story is no exception. Sometimes I have one thing in mind and when I start typing my brain takes on a path of it's own. So I apologize for my brain's sake and I hope you still enjoy! [And sorry for the length, but I make up for it with lovey-angsty goodness].  
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**Also, thanks for all the reviews and I couldn't be happier with you guys! Keep reviewing and I'll keep getting those chapters in on time!**

**Love . Nicolette**

**Year 4**

**[March]**

**Katniss POV**

If I don't knock soon he's going to think I'm crazy. I look over my shoulder at the empty street. Still not a soul in sight to see me standing out here like an idiot. The mid-morning sun still hangs just above the tops of the treeline and I sigh. I decided to wait until later in the day to come over. The impending night is a perfect excuse to leave sooner rather than later.

It's been nearly two weeks since I made my promise to be friends with Peeta. Just friends. I've somehow managed to get away with a quick phone conversation each day. At least one conversation a day. That's all I guaranteed him. One day last week I even managed to for-go the phone conversation by catching him outside shoveling the walk outside his door. A quick _'Hi how are you! I'm going hunting!' _seemed like enough of a conversation for the day.

But Peeta called me out on my little charade last night.

And somehow I got conned into seeing him at least once a week from now on.

So here I am standing outside his door like an idiot. I'm not sure what makes me so afraid to simply knock on the door. Peeta and I are friends now, we've been friends in the past. I wonder if Delly will be over, I wonder if she knows about the things Peeta has said to me. I wonder if she knows about the kiss in the basement. Surely Peeta told her about the kiss at least. Peeta doesn't talk about Delly much.

But I wonder how she could be okay with Peeta and I being friends? About him seeing me each week and talking to me each night? Sometimes I try to think about what it would be like if the roles were reversed, what it would be like if Peeta and I were together and I knew that he had once had a crush on Delly and that they had kissed while we were together. But usually I end up stopping at the me and Peeta together part and stop myself before my mind runs away with me.

I catch a movement in the window next to the door. A flash of Peeta's bright blue eyes makes me realize I've been caught. I quickly knock on the door as if that was my intention all along, just as Peeta opens it.

"Hi." He says simply. A huge smile lighting up his face.

"Hi.." I respond. I hear the quiver in my voice and hate myself for being so nervous.

"I was beginning to wonder if you were going to hold up to your promise! But I'm glad you're here." And he sounds glad. I wish he weren't so happy.

I step inside and he closes the door behind me. For a moment we both stand awkwardly in the living room, me looking around the room as if I've never seen it before, and him watching me. He flips the light on quickly.

"I didn't realize it was so late." He says quickly. As if apologizing for forcing me to stand in a darkened room.

"I can't stay too long." I say quickly, avoiding his gaze, I don't want to see disappointment in his eyes. "I wanted to get up early to hunt." Which doesn't matter in the slightest, considering the fact that I can't sleep. But Peeta doesn't know that.

"Katniss." I look up to him and he's leaning against his staircase, arms folded, legs folded, shooting me a look that speaks volumes. The kind of look that says, _'You're not getting out of this that easy.' _I groan inside.

"What? It's deer season!" I say, trying to hide the fact that I'm obviously trying to get out of this.

But Peeta has never been one to let me fool him. I'm not sure if I'm just a horrible liar, or if he's too clever for me, but either way. He knows me too well.

"I'm not buying that, and you have more than enough meat to last you and Haymitch a lifetime." He says coolly, moving toward his kitchen and gesturing for me to follow him.

This is true, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he knows. I went to Haymitch's for the first time in years a few days ago. I knocked, no one answered, and I left a load of butchered meat on his door. Since so many in District 12 are hunting now I leave most of the trading to them, since they have families to feed and I don't. Since I have plenty of everything, and they have nothing. I have more meat than I can keep fresh. I've given loads to Greasy Sae and even some to Effie (Who all but vomitted at the site of it). And when people began turning me away for lack of storage space. I decided I'd ignored my old mentor long enough and he must have told Peeta about my gift. What a snitch.

I follow him into the kitchen and am surprised to see baking supplies laid out on the large counter in the middle of the room. Bags of flour and sugar, some other white substance I'm not familiar with, a small brown bottle marked _vanilla_, a container of yellow oil, some mixing bowls and shiny metal pans, various utensils and other small colored bottles. As I'm observing it all he reaches into his refrigerator and takes out a sheath of eggs and a container of what looks like milk.

"What is all this?" I ask.

He smiles placing the eggs and milk on the counter with the other supplies. He spreads his arms open wide, "Prepare yourself Katniss." with a wink he continues, "Today, we're going to bake!"

**xoxo**

**Peeta's POV**

I remember the first time I realized that I loved Katniss Everdeen. The first time I could actually put a name to the feelings I'd been having since I was 5 years old. Strangely enough it was Delly who helped me come to understand what it was and what it meant.

My parents weren't very loving to us kids or to each other. A few weeks after my eleventh birthday my parents were arguing. Instead of going up to my room like I usually did when they argued, I hid sitting on the floor next to the kitchen door to listen to their argument. And when I say they argued, I mean my mother would yell at my father while my father mumbled and attempted to ignore her.

"_...because I'm the only one who could STAND you! That's why!" _

Even now I cringe for my father's sake, the horrible things she would say, but the next thing she said I'll remember till the day I die.

"_You don't think I know about you and that seam woman? That you loved her before you met me? Well guess what! I've known for years! She didn't want you! She could never love you! You're impossible to love! And that's why I'm stuck in this hell hole with you!"_

I remember my father finally getting up and walking out of the room, quickly glancing down at me as he stormed out of the room. I saw his eyes go wide for a moment before looking back to try and stop my mother from coming through the kitchen door to catch me. But he was too late, my mother had already cracked the door open enough to see me sitting there and went wild. I jumped up as she chased me around with a cast iron spatula in hand. I was never very graceful and ended up tripping over a footstool in the living room. My father had to pry my mother away from me after she hit me several times with the utensil. Luckily it wasn't very blunt, but was still very heavy and left my back and arms covered in bruises for weeks afterward

A few days after the incident, Delly's family came over to play cards with my parents. Even though she wasn't allowed to, Delly snuck up to my room to see me. She saw the bruises and asked how I got them. I lied and told her I had fallen down the stairs.

I'm not sure if she believed me or not, but she didn't argue. She simply told me something else I'll never forget.

"_Peeta, my grandmother once told me that everyone says love hurts, but that it's not true. She said that loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets all these things confused with love. But in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all that pain and makes someone feel wonderful again." _

That night lying in my bed I thought about Delly's words. I closed my eyes and thought of the only person who could distract my mind from all the pain, the loneliness, the emptiness. I realized that she did make the pain go away. Even though we'd never spoke to one another, even though she barely knew I existed. She made me forget about the pain, she made me feel ... wonderful. My Katniss.

A few days after that my mother found Katniss opening the trash cans outside of the bakery. I realized in that moment that I would do anything for her. And I did just about the only thing I could do without my mother taking her wrath out on both me and Katniss. I wanted to run out to her with a dozen fresh cakes or a basket full of cookies, or perhaps a potato sack filled with rolls. Something that would feed her and her family for weeks. But there's no way my mother would have let me get away with it. So I had to settle for the unburned halves of two loaves of bread.

But the two loaves seemed to do the trick, Katniss started looking better every day. Healthier, possibly even happier. She glanced my way a lot more often, she at least knew I existed. I tried to tell myself that was enough.

Just like now, I'm trying to tell myself this could be enough.

If my plan fails and Katniss doesn't fall for me, if we are never anything more than friends. Would this be enough?

I look up to see Katniss crouching eye level to the counter. Slowly pouring flour into a measuring cup. A look of complete concentration on her face. This being her third attempt at a cake, she's taking this one very very slowly. Pouring in a pinch of flour, then using three fingers to pack it down into the cup, pouring in a little more, packing it down. Again and again. Trying to measure the exact amount the recipe says.

Her hair, pulled back into it's usual braid, has a fine dusting of flour covering it. Wet bangs curl away from her forehead, a product of her pushing them away from her face with damp hands. Chocolate is smeared just above her left eyebrow. She abandoned her coat hours ago, and hopefully she abandoned all thoughts of leaving early along with it. Her short sleeved shirt is coated in flour too, along with her arms, and the red apron I gave her in an attempt to help cover her clothes. Her hands are clean, as she's been continually rinsing the flour off of them as she goes along.

I honestly don't think she's ever looked more beautiful.

I stopped asking a long time ago if she wanted me to help. She's already snapped at me enough times. She blames me for the first two cakes. Which is laughable considering how many I've baked in my lifetime. This time she's determined to do it on her own. I look up at the clock on the wall. Almost one in the morning. I almost want to take it off the wall, afraid she may take a break in her concentration to glance at it and realize she should probably leave.

My mind slowly begins to formulate a plan to keep her here once the cake is in the oven. When I suddenly realize she's about to pour a full two cups of salt into the mixture, obviously mistaking it for sugar.

I get there just in time, one hand catching the salt about to be poured into the concoction and the other on her hand to jerk the measuring cup away. Effectively pouring salt all over her legs, feet and kitchen floor.

"Ugghhh!" She let's out a yell of frustration and slams the measuring cup on the counter so hard I think it may crack. She turns to storm out of the kitchen, tracking a path of flour and salt across the ground.

I can't keep from laughing as I jog to catch up with her. She makes it as far as the kitchen door before I reach her. Stopping her with my hands on her shoulders and turning her to face me as I double over with laughter.

"WHAT IS SO FUNNY!" She shouts and I can't help but laugh harder. She begins to try and move away again and I pull her against me in a tight embrace, attempting to contain my laughter. At first she tries to push me away, but after a moment she sighs and drops her arms to her sides. "What did I do wrong?" She speaks quietly into my chest.

"That wasn't sugar, it was salt." I whisper into her hair. And surprisingly she starts laughing softly while pushing me away, but my laughter has died down.

The harsh reality of this situation finally hits me like a brick to the chest. Would it be worse to hear Katniss tell me right now she doesn't want to be around me and leave my life forever, or to have her with me each and every day, but to know that she'll never be mine. To know I'll never mean anything more than a friend to her.

My heart does a double take as she looks up at me, smiling.

I can't decide.

**xoxo**

**Katniss' POV**

I can't sleep.

I can't even close my eyes and pretend to sleep like I usually do.

I took my time walking home, and took my time in the shower washing off the remains of the flour and chocolate that was caked onto my body after my three miserable attempts at cake baking. The third didn't turn out half bad though, after Peeta switched out my salt for sugar and pretty much finished making the rest of the cake. I took my time cleaning my teeth and picking out my pajamas for the night.

But all I can do now is lie here in bed, and think about what the future may hold. I'm unsure after tonight if signing up to be Peeta's friend and to see him once a week was basically signing us up to be together eventually. More than once tonight I felt him watching me. And I liked it.

I could literally feel the atmosphere around us changing. Feel the slight tension in the air. Hear the intrusive thoughts in my mind that wanted nothing more than to be closer to him.

I worry now that soon those thoughts will get their way.

I worry now that I want those thoughts to get their way.

When he pulled me into his arms, laughing at my mistake with the sugar, I felt loved. I felt whole. I felt like my life had been replaced with someone else's. Someone's life who lives and laughs and tries new things. Someone who flirts and giggles and doesn't have a worry in the world. Someone who loves and receives love in return. Someone who can depend on someone else for something and will never be let down. It felt amazing.

But it's not my life.

And I'm willing to accept that.

I've never been the kind of person to day dream. I've never sat around thinking about things that weren't going to happen for me. When I had no food I didn't go to bed at night dreaming of huge pot roasts and large frosted cakes. When I curled up high in a tree during the hunger games I didn't dream of a warm feather bed. I only thought about what I could do to improve my situation. How I may try to get food in the morning, how I may try to find a better place to sleep the next day.

Things that were actually attainable.

But now as I lay in bed I wonder if that life that is not mine... could some day be mine. If I allowed it happen. If Peeta would have me.

Is it selfish to dream of these things?

I can't help but shake the feeling that if I allowed that to happen, something would go horribly wrong. What if I put myself and Peeta in that life together. In that happy careless life that we so artfully played out today?

Would it be selfish and irresponsible? Should I be allowed such a life after I ripped it from my sister's fingers? What if I give Peeta this thing he wants so badly and then something happens to me? Would he be more miserable in the end, losing not only his entire family, most of his friends, but also the girl that he thinks he's in love with?

And then a shudder runs through me when I think, what if something happened to Peeta?

I can't even think about it.

I close my eyes and try to will away the pain that this thought has brought.

Could this friendship be making things worse for both of us?

Is there anything I could even do to stop it now?

**xoxo**

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**I couldn't wait for the 150 that I asked for a few days ago to post this chapter. Once I'm finished typing up a chapter I'm too excited to add it to the story, too excited to hear your input. **

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	7. Year 4 April

**Here's your chapter, some citrus goodness. Please excuse the diary entries... I needed a way to cover an expanse of time in one chapter. Thank you for all the reviews and sorry for not updating promptly! I kept writing and re-writing this chapter. I'm still not completely happy with it, but I figured you've all waited long enough! So here it is! Chapter 7**

**Love . Nicolette  
><strong>

**Year 4**

**Friday, March 25th**

Dear Diary,

Okay wait, diary sounds like something a girl would call you. From this day on, I'll just be calling you journal. As if it isn't strange enough that I'm talking to a pad of paper... Dr. Aurelius decided that it may be helpful to my mental health if I keep a diary... er I mean journal. So I guess I'm supposed to write in here about what I do from day to day. I'll probably be focusing on the days I see Katniss, simply because those are pretty much the only days I do much of anything worth talking about. Also, because those are the days I'm supposed to focus on most, per Doctor Aurelius So I'll probably start putting entries in tomorrow. Well... except this entry right now of course.

_Peeta Mellark_

**March 25,**

I don't know what I'm supposed to be writing down. I don't see how this is supposed to help me sleep. Dr. Aurelius told me to try keeping a diary from day to day. Dr. Aurelius just doesn't want me to bother him with my problems anymore, which I wasn't doing anyway.

_Katniss_

**Saturday, March 26th**

Dear JOURNAL,

Katniss just left. We tried making stew today, squirrel stew. My father's favorite. It didn't turn out that bad, but I'm pretty sure Katniss is the only person alive who can manage to make stew too thin and then burn it. She left it with me. So I'll be eating very thin squirrel stew for the next few days. But I honestly don't mind. Is it conceited to think that I see her smile more often on our days together than I ever did before they began? Even before the war? She's choosing what we do next week. I think it's silly that she insists we only see each other once a week, when we both have absolutely nothing else to do the rest of the week. The building of the bakery is just about the only project going on in my life. But the work is so slow, I hate to use the building crews time to work on the bakery when they're still building new homes for the many new people moving to District 12. So I keep delaying the building process on the bakery. But new people keep coming, all of them wanting homes. I wonder what may happen if they just keep coming and coming, what will happen to the precious woods that Katniss loves so much? We're supposed to be getting a new town mayor soon, some people want me to put my name in for the running, but I doubt I will. Who wants a clinically insane mayor?

_Peeta Mellark_

**March 26th**

Saw Peeta today. Tried making stew. It was horrible. Apparently Dr. Aurelius has Peeta writing a diary too. I don't think this is helping either of us.

_Katniss_

**Saturday, April 2nd**

Dear journal,

Saw Katniss again today. I don't think I've ever looked forward to anything more in my life. All week long she's all I can think about, the days drag. We tried to hunt, I'm horrible at it. We crept around for a few hours, Katniss yelled at me a lot. I watched her from behind and didn't bother to be quiet, because even if we caught up with an animal, I'm not sure I would be able to kill it, or even want to. Delly came by to see me yesterday, I told her she should go live with her father. I told her I love her as a friend, but that even if Katniss and I don't end up together, I still wouldn't want to bring her down anymore. I must be saying this the wrong way, because each time that I tell her this, she leaves saying that she'll be waiting for me to change my mind. I'll never change my mind.

_Peeta Mellark_

**April 2nd**

Took Peeta into the woods today. We didn't catch anything. He doesn't know how to be quiet. He admitted to me today that he wasn't with Delly anymore and apparently hasn't been with her in weeks. This makes me feel better, but worse at the same time. I've destroyed his chance at happiness. He thinks he can be happy with me, but he can't. We're too... ruined now. We're so ruined that we have to write stupid diary entries, because some crazy head doctor thinks it will help us. I don't feel helped.

_Katniss_

**Saturday, April 9th**

Katniss came over today and we tried some painting. She was actually doing really well, with a little bit of practice she could probably put something up in the museum in town. The only problem? She didn't practice. About half way through my own painting I realized she stopped painting and had been watching me. When I smiled at her she started painting again, but it happened a few more times during our practice. By the time I finished she had sketched the outline of something standing in the middle of a field, but wouldn't tell me what it was supposed to be. I don't see how I'm supposed to sleep tonight. I can't stop wondering why she was staring at me. What was she thinking of?

_Peeta Mellark_

**April 9th**

The stupid cat found it's way from my old house to this new one. I think Effie finally shooed it away. I gave it some squirrel scraps. I like watching Peeta paint a lot more than I like painting.

_Katniss_

**Saturday, April 16th**

Katniss wouldn't answer her door today, or her phone. I know she's home. Her door was locked, and she never locks it. I think she's avoiding me.

_Peeta Mellark_

**April 16th**

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I want one thing, but then when I realize I can have it... I panic. I'm constantly torn in two different directions. I want to see Peeta. It's better if I don't see Peeta.

_Katniss_

**Saturday, April 23rd**

I don't know how much more of this I can take. One week I catch her watching me over and over. The next week she won't even see me. Won't even answer her door to speak to me. Then today she pops up out of no where, asking what we're doing today. I didn't have anything planned, because I figured she wouldn't want to see me again after ignoring me all week. So we just tried baking again. Katniss made a cheesecake that really wasn't half bad. Because Katniss didn't have barely anything to do with it. She kept staring off into space, or staring at me. I don't know what she's thinking about. I feel like I'm losing touch with her again. She left as soon as it was out of the oven. No matter what I said, she wouldn't stay. She said she wouldn't be able to see me for a couple weeks. Supposedly she's going to visit her mother, I'm not sure if I believe her. I don't know what I should do.

_Peeta Mellark_

**xoxo**

**Katniss' POV**

Riding the train to District 4 gives me a strange sense of nostalgia. But not the good kind that makes you think of your childhood or a good time with an old friend. The bad ominous kind that makes you think of death and terror. I can't shake the horrible reminder of what it was like to ride a train to the Capitol to what I thought would be Peeta and I's death.

My mother wants for me to see her life in District 4.

At first I told her no. But recently I seem to be spending my days and nights thinking of nothing but Peeta. And visiting my mother seemed like a good way to thoroughly distract myself.

Things between Peeta and I are complicated to say the least. All week long I secretly look forward to the one day that I've allowed myself to see Peeta. When the day comes to see Peeta, I do nothing but Panic.

But lately when I see Peeta, every thought and feeling I have seems to drain from my body. I'm left with nothing but this strange feeling of want. A constant never ending feeling of wanting something more, something that I can't quite reach and can't quite name.

When he stands behind me, commenting on my painting or baking or cooking. I forget how to breathe. I want only for him to lean in closer, to close the gap between he and I. I want to reach out and run my fingers along his shoulders, down his arm, along his chest. I can't even concentrate on what he's saying.

This is a very serious problem.

I'm afraid sometimes that I'll act upon the urges that pop into my mind. Then where will that leave Peeta and I? Peeta would be left expecting something more between us. And I would be left with... what? Left feeling even more confused than when I started.

I don't even know if Peeta is capable of satiating this feeling inside of me.

But remembering the kiss that Peeta and I shared on the floor of his basement makes me think that he probably is very capable of doing just that.

A shiver shakes through my body at the thought. I press my head against the cool glass window of the train, hoping to clear it. The world outside passing me by at a breakneck speed. I suddenly find myself hoping the train will crash before the meeting with my mother. Before I have to go back to the complicated mess that is Peeta and I.

But instead it begins to slow down. We must have reached District 4.

Away from my Peeta, but straight into the hands of my mother.

Out of the pot and straight into the fire.

**xoxo**

**Peeta's POV**

I'm not doing anything wrong, and I know that. But this still seems wrong in some way.

"So how are you and Katniss?"

There it is, exactly what I was hoping she'd avoid asking. Delly must have seen Katniss leave on the train, or heard about it from someone. Because the day after Katniss left town for District 4 Delly showed up at my door.

"There is no me and Katniss." I say handing her a cup of cocoa. "We're just friends."

"Oh." She replies quietly. Nibbling nonchalantly on one of the crunchy-sweet honey cookies I set out when she arrived. "Have you two been spending a lot of time together?" She doesn't look up when she asks.

"We see each other once a week." Might as well tell her the truth. Honestly who else do I have to talk to? Besides maybe Haymitch or Effie when she stops by.

"Do you still love her?"

I sigh. "I'll always love her Delly."

**xoxo**

**Katniss' POV**

The silence is awkward. Far far worse than I remember it. I pick up my cup and pretend to sip the drink my mother has poured for me from it. She surprises me by breaking the silence first.

"Have you been spending much time with the baker's son?"

I almost spill my drink. "Peeta?" I ask, knowing full well who she's talking about.

"Yes Peeta." She says quietly.

I am unsure for some reason whether I want to share my time with Peeta with my mother. I don't know why, but I'm protective of it.

"I've seen him around a few times." I finally answer.

She doesn't pry, my mother has never been one to pry.

"Have I ever told you about me and the baker?" She asks quietly.

I shake my head slowly. Honestly ever since the dream I had that reminded me of the baker bringing my mother cookies on her birthday once when I was little I have been curious about what kind of a relationship they had. Peeta did say that his father told him that he had at one time wanted to marry my mother. But I never stopped to wonder why.

"His name was Barley. Did you know that?" She's speaking so quietly I can barely hear her. She's looking down at the design that's been painted on the back of her hand. Apparently this is something they do in District 4. Though I don't bother to ask about it.

"No I didn't actually." Suddenly guilt hits me. How could I not know even the name of the man who bought so many of my squirrels, who brought me cookies after I was chosen with his son to go into the hunger games, who's cookies I threw out the window in a moment of anger. But more importantly, how could I have never even thought to ask the name of Peeta's father? My mother interrupts my self-loathing.

"He and I went to school together in the same year." She looks up now, "Just like you and Peeta."

I say nothing, just watch and wait for her to continue.

"We were good friends, he and I." She smiles now, "We did everything together." Her smile fades a little bit. "He was so quiet though. Apparently..." She pauses for a second to set down her cup. "Apparently he had a crush on me for some time." She looks up to me and smiles again, "Of course I didn't know about any of that until after I met your father. The very moment I saw your father I was smitten. I was never the same."

My throat constricts hearing her talk about my father like this. I can't believe how much she must have healed in the last four years. To be able to talk about my father so freely.

"Barley came to me one day, telling me that he ... cared for me. Cared for me as more than just a friend." I watch as she closes her eyes, trying to remember his exact words. "He knew that I was with your father, but he said he had to try. That he couldn't give up." She sighs, "I told him it was too late... That your father and I were planning a toasting." I see tears welling up in my mother's eyes now, and feel them prick at my own. "He honestly took it so well. He said he knew I was going to tell him I wouldn't leave your father. He said he knew he had waited too long. But that it was worth a try."

Here she pauses and looks right into my eyes.

"Can I tell you something without you hating me?" She asks.

I'm honestly not sure, so I just stay silent. But she speaks anyway.

"I used to wonder, what my life may have been like if I had fallen for Barley instead of your father." She gasps and quickly puts her hand up toward me. "Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have traded a single day with your father for the entire world." She drops her hand. "This is coming out all wrong. All I'm trying to say, is that he was a very kind man. He was unlike anyone I've ever known in my life. And I wish that you had gotten to know him a little better before he died."

Peeta inherited a lot from his father apparently. Peeta is the kindest man I know. "I wish I had too."

**xoxo**

**Katniss' POV**

Lying in my mother's spare room that night I try to close my eyes and remember what Peeta's father looked like. Thankfully, I retained more information than I originally thought. Perhaps my sub-conscious felt a preference for him, being the boy with the bread's father. I remember dark blond hair that curled slightly just like Peeta's. Tall with very broad shoulders just like Peeta. A little chunkier and a little less muscular than Peeta. But what color were his eyes? I feel ashamed that I don't know and suddenly miss Peeta like I never have before in my life. Want him to be here so I can ask him a million questions about his father, about his life before we were reaped.

I still can't remember.

I close my eyes tight as I feel my body begin to convulse with sobs, warm tears begin to run down my face. Tears that were long overdue.

For the first time since his death, I cry for the baker, for Peeta's father. For Barley.

**Year 4**

**[May]**

**Peeta's POV**

I watch as the train pulls into our tiny station. The train that's supposed to be carrying Katniss. And here I am, waiting like a fool. She didn't ask me to wait, she didn't even tell me that she was supposed to be on this train. I had to weasel the information out of Dr. Aurelius. So much for confidentiality between doctor and patient. I wonder if he told Katniss the full extent of my problems with the flashbacks and nightmares and that's why she only wants to see me once a week.

People start filing out of the train and a strange nervous feeling washes over me. Something tells me that Katniss isn't going to be happy to see me standing here waiting for her. She probably can't wait to get back home and lock herself up in her house.

My eyes catch a familiar face and I see Katniss urgently pushing her way through the passengers to get off the train. I wonder if trains remind her of our trip to the Capitol for the Hunger Games. That's all they remind me of.

The train slows to a stop and I stand nervously. Wondering what her reaction might be to seeing me. I see her in a window waiting in line to exit. I try to be patient, but I'm anxious just to see her.

But once Katniss' feet touch the ground she starts practically running away from town. Just like I thought, can't wait to lock herself up at home.

I feel a bit embarrassed for a moment, she obviously didn't see me, but should I pursue her? I take a glance at my watch and realize that I've been standing here for over an hour. I'm not going to stand here for an hour and not even get a single word in with Katniss.

I have to run to catch up to her.

"Katniss!" I shout over the heads of the people who are also hurrying to get home. She hears me and turns to look around. When she finally sees me she goes frozen for a few moments. Apparently registering the fact that I was calling her. To my complete surprise, she runs right up to me, throwing herself at me. I feel her wrap her arms around my neck and squeeze. Pressing her face into my chest. For a moment I'm paralyzed. Unsure of what to do. I guess this is something that comes with a moment of complete shock. It takes a moment of recovery, and thankfully she hasn't let go yet, but I quickly wrap my arms around her. Pulling her close to me taking a deep breath and inhaling the smell that is Katniss. She smells like the forest, and grapes, and rain. She's small, soft and warm and I find myself never wanting to let go.

"I'm sorry about your father Peeta. I'm so so so so sorry." She whispers into my chest so quietly I barely hear her.

This too surprises me, and I pull back for a moment to ask her, "What are you talking about Katniss?" She pulls back too and I see the tears in her eyes.

She speaks in a jumble of words, her tongue tripping over them in a desperate attempt to get them all out at once, "I didn't even know your father's name Peeta. I'm so sorry. He brought me cookies when he came to see me after the reaping. I used to see him every Sunday to trade squirrels with him. He's your dad Peeta. And I never even knew his name." The last few words are barely understandable as she's openly crying now. "Can we go to your house?" She asks quickly. Apparently finally aware how many people were looking at us. It's strange to think now that everyone knows who we are. Strangers notice us, and right now, we're bringing a lot of attention to ourselves. Considering that Katniss never leaves the house and that I never talk about her. I'm pretty sure most people around town still think that Delly and I are together.

I look around to see the many pairs of eyes watching us. Families halting mid-hug to stop and stare at our spectacle. I see Thom and he awkwardly waves at us. Fumbling with half a dozen boxes of something in his arms. I wonder if Delly told him about our split up, perhaps she told no one, hoping that I would come back someday.

"Sure. Let's go." I take her hand and to my surprise she doesn't protest. We walk to the luggage cart of the train and she picks out her bag. I momentarily let go of her hand as I sling the large backpack over my shoulder. As soon as it's settled and we begin walking toward the Victor's Village, Katniss reaches for my hand again. I take it greedily.

As we walk to my house, my brain goes wild. What could she have to say? What does my father have anything to do with this? Reaching the door, I fumble with the lock. Why did I lock it? I never lock it. I don't know why I'm so nervous.

Once I finally get the door open she walks inside with me. I realize that her usual sense of caution has returned. She's looking around nervously, standing still in my living room. Rolling one of the buttons of her coat between her fingers. I'm suddenly nervous. It's ridiculous how excited I was just at the thought of seeing her when she got off the train. I was hopeful all morning that she would at least stop and have a conversation with me.

Now she's here standing in my living room, and I'm terrified she'll change her mind and just walk to her own home.

"Did you want some cocoa?" I ask her, gesturing for her to sit on the couch. She shakes her head negatively and ignores my attempt to get her to sit. Hoping she'll follow my lead, I plop down on the couch. "How was your trip?"

"It was... fine." She responds. Still fiddling with the button, but she looks up at me.

Enough pleasantries I suppose. "What made you think of my father?" I ask. I watch her search my face, looking for something, but what I don't know.

"Does it bother you still? When you think about him being... gone?"

I smile. "When I think of my father now, I remember him being kind to me. Just about the only happy moments I had as a child were because of my father. He was kind of a hero to me."

Katniss' brow furrows here, "Your father was always very kind to me." She says quietly. This doesn't surprise me, my father was kind to everyone.

"My father was a great man." I say. Meaning every word.

"Did you know that he used to be friends with my mother?" She asks. Immediately my mother's words play in my head, _'...You don't think I know about you and that seam woman? That you loved her before you met me?...'_

"I did know that actually." I say quietly. "I overheard my mother yelling at my father for being in love with her at one time."

Finally Katniss sits down next to me on the small couch. "You told me once that he told you that he wanted to marry my mother..." She pauses. "On my trip to four, my mother told me that your father was her best friend when they were young. That ... Barley... loved her, but that he never spoke up, and by the time he did she was too in love with my father."

This is news to me. I never asked my father about Katniss' mom. I knew that he had wanted to marry her. I didn't want to hurt him by bringing her up. "That's... interesting." I say. "It's crazy how alike it turns out my father and I really were."

I look up and deep gray eyes meet my own. I feel my heart beat quicken. There's something in her eyes. Something I have only seen a few times before. I don't know what it means, but my body seems to. She reaches her hand out slowly to bridge the gap between her and I. She runs her fingers down the side of my face. Her eyes wide and unblinking.

In a flash, I've had enough. Enough waiting and sitting still, enough of sitting by and waiting for her to leave. My arms move before I honestly know what they're doing. I lean forward and pull her to me. To my surprise she comes willingly, and our lips make contact before I feel her body collide with mine. It's not a smooth movement, the impact is rough, but I don't mind. And Katniss doesn't seem to mind either.

My mouth moves against hers hungrily, her eyes slide closed and I hear a soft moan escape her throat. I snake one arm around her waist pulling her tight against my body. We're sprawled out on the couch in an unplanned, uncomfortable position. I pull back for a moment and adjust our position, swinging my legs up onto the couch while my head leans back against the arm. I easily slide Katniss on top of me, and quickly take her lips in mine again before she changes her mind. I pull her bottom lip into my mouth and bite gingerly as my hands crush her against me. I can't get her close enough, she'll never be close enough.

Katniss opens her mouth and to my surprise her tongue flicks out to meet mine. Sending a surge of hunger I've never felt before coursing through my veins. She pulls away and my mind panics, I didn't realize my breath was coming out in shallow pants. Katniss is breathing heavily too, I watch her fumble with her jacket, trying to take it off. I quickly jump to help her, pushing it back from her arms as she leans down to take another kiss. We fumble with the jacket together in a long lasting kiss, her head swaying above mine.

She finally tosses the jacket to the side and I slip my hand into her hair, which is slowly coming undone from her braid.

"Ow!" She whispers.

"What did I do? Sorry!" I whisper frantically, keeping one hand on her lower back to keep her from immediately moving away from me. But to my surprise she doesn't run away, she reaches back and with quick precise movements untangles her hair from it's brain. Letting it fall in a curtain around us.

"You pulled my hair." She says quietly.

"I'm sorry." I repeat. I reach up and run my fingers through the silky strands of dark hair. Something I've wanted to do for a very very long time.

"Your hair is beautiful." I say honestly.

The blush she was already wearing on her face deepens, "Shut up." She says and leans down for another kiss. I happily oblige and after a moment break away to run my lips against the oh-so-soft skin of her jaw line, rubbing back and forth. She moans in appreciation and I hear her breath pant against my ear. I've never heard anything so sexy in all my life. My skin is on fire, each gentle caress from her sends shivers that cover me from my head to toe.

I bring my mouth to the soft skin underneath her ear and plant a kiss before sucking gently.

"Peeta..." I feel Katniss shiver on top of me and a surge of electricity send ripples throughout my body. I feel her squirm, pressing her body into mine in a desperate gesture, and I can't help the groan that escapes my throat. My brain seems unable to think about the consequences of what's happening right now, I know I should be thinking about what will happen after this encounter, what brought this all on after months of nothing. But my mind isn't capable of doing a thing except scream, 'more, more, more...' inside my skull.

My left hand is pressing her to me from it's spot on her lower back. And I inch it down, lower and lower until I'm cupping her bottom in my hand, pressing her down into the hardness straining against my pants.

Unfortunately, this seems to bring her out of her lust-filled stupor. She pulls back, resting her upper body above me on shaky arms.

"Katniss..." I hear my own coarse voice, as I search her eyes for some kind of clue as to what she's thinking. For a few heartbeats we do nothing but watch each other, trying to control our labored breaths. My hand doesn't move from her bottom, but I do relax the pressure a bit.

She begins to slowly get up from on top of me.

"Katniss." I say again. Hoping she'll say something, anything to explain what just happened. And more importantly, what happens now.

She stands all the way up, adjusting her shirt, never taking her eyes off me.

"I don't know what I'm doing Peeta." She says in a rush. And before I even have time to respond she grabs her jacket off the floor, and bolts toward the door.

"Katniss!" I say. It's amazing how one hot encounter with Katniss can limit my vocabulary to nothing but one simple word. I jump up off the couch and catch the door just as she's slipping out of it. Before I can even re-open it and stand on my front step. She's already half way down the street. Running as if Cato was chasing her.

And I'm left, as usual, confused and wanting a girl I'll probably never have.

**xoxo**

**REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! **

**Let's try for 250 reviews for the almost completely written 8th chapter. Completely do-able given the amount of people subscribed to this story! As usual, thank you for the reviews I've already received. I'm thrilled with each and every one I receive! Please keep them coming! Give me motivation!**


	8. Year 4 June

**As promised, here's chapter 8! A lead up to the chapter you've all been waiting for!**

**Thank you very much for all the wonderful reviews! And to the two people who complained about my review-whoring... all I have to say is... 350 reviews for the most amazing chapter of this story yet!**

**I hope you enjoy! And as usual REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!**

**Love . Nicolette  
><strong>

**Year 4**

**[June]**

**Katniss' POV**

_'You can't just avoid me forever Katniss. Please, let's just talk. - P'_

I crumple the note in my hand and use my fingernail to attempt to scrape off the pieces of tape that cling to my door. Peeta's been stopping by almost daily, banging on my door, leaving notes. I've been having to take a full loop around the backs of the houses in the Victor's Village just to hunt. Afraid he'll catch me and we'll be forced to 'talk'.

Am I being a bit over-dramatic? Yes. Should I be so mortified and embarrassed about what happened with Peeta and I? Probably not.

Peeta and I aren't children anymore, probably weren't children even before the war ended. Our childhood was pretty much taken by the Capitol long before we were reaped. Peeta is a full grown man now, and I'm full grown too... Things like what happened between us the other week are what adults are supposed to do. Right?

But for some reason it still feels wrong. Well, actually it feels extremely right. But somewhere in the back of my mind I can't help but think that that's not who I am. I'm not supposed to just be normal and have sex and live and be happy. I'm supposed to live a lifetime of misery. Paying back the debt I owe to all the people who've died because of me.

Prim, Finnick, Rue, Castor, Cinna the list goes on and on and on. Peeta's father, Peeta's family, Peeta's happiness. All gone because of me.

A faint knock at my door brings me out of my depression session. I slowly begin to creep up the stairs toward my bedroom before Peeta can peek in the windows to see me.

"Katniss? Are you home?"

I stop dead still. That wasn't Peeta's voice. The voice was overly sweet and very familiar. Now I creep towards the window instead, taking a quick peek outside to see Delly Cartwright standing at my door. What could she possibly want with me?

She knocks again, and I stand still, deliberating on whether or not I should answer the door. I hear her sigh and begin to move away. Tiny heels clicking against the pavement. But alas, my curiosity wins out and I whip the door open before she's too far away.

"Hi Delly." I'm forced to say before she leaves. Since she apparently didn't hear the door creek open. She turns and flashes me a smile. But it's not the large happy smile that Delly usually gives everyone she comes in contact with. No, this isn't the same Delly Cartwright I knew as a child, or even during the beginning of Peeta's recovery. This is a new Delly, a grown up Delly, a Delly that has finally realized that not everyone is wonderful and some things in life are impossible to look at optimistically.

This thought almost makes me more depressed than the Capitol stealing away the old Peeta. Delly was always so innocent, so excited, just so... Happy. Even the strong have fallen into this never-ending pit of depression.

"Hi Katniss." She smiles again, walking straight up to me. Obviously expecting me to invite her into my house. I move out of the way to allow her inside. "This is a lovely house!" She says, a bit of her old enthusiasm back. She's lying of course, the walls of my house are painted a dull eggshell white. The living room, the upstairs and the stairs themselves are made of hard wood, which actually is quite nice. But my meager furnishings add absolutely nothing to it's charm. A lumpy tan couch in the middle of the room, in front of a fireplace that hasn't been used once since I came into this house. Dried mud that's flaked off my boots is scattered all around the living room. The picture of my father in a cracked and dusty frame sits on the mantle, turned at a strange angle. The house leaves much to be desired. The ugly cat skitters out from underneath one of the large red arm chairs that were here when I moved in. It turns for a moment to see Delly and comes up to her, rubbing against her leg. She reaches down to scratch him behind the ears, he purrs in appreciation.

Our relationship has perked up since I found him after Prim died, and how does he repay me? By rubbing all over Peeta's ex. Horrible, awful, dirty, old cat.

I pick my foot up and stomp it back onto the ground hard. The cat hisses at me and runs away. At least our strained relationship is back on track. A faint frown crosses Delly's features. But I don't mind.

"What's up Delly?" I ask finally. Realizing that we've been sitting silently watching the cat for far too long.

"I wanted to talk for a bit, if you don't mind." She moves over to one of my red chairs and asks politely, "May I sit down?"

I nod and she sits immediately. I stay standing, I don't want her thinking this is going to be an extended visit. She stares at me again, like she did when she tracked me down at the hob that one day. Expecting me to speak first. This annoys me to no end. I just stare back at her until she breaks the silence.

"I'm... Unsure what to do Katniss. And I was hoping you could help to clarify things for me." She looks up at me again. When I still remain silent, she continues. "As you know, Peeta and I were together for almost two years... and we've known each other for much, much longer." She's watching me, and I make sure that no emotion escapes my face. "He's my oldest, dearest friend. I love him more than just about anyone on this planet. I used to..." Here she trails off and looks down into her lap. "I used to hope that he and I would be married one day, have a family maybe..."

"What do I have to do with any of this?" I interrupt harshly. Something in the back of my mind kicks me for being so horrible. I kissed Peeta in his basement while he was still with Delly. For all I know she saw us. I do have something to do with it even if I don't want to admit it. But even with all that, I don't apologize, and I can't stop the angry look on my face. Perhaps I should add anger management to my list of things Dr. Aurelius is supposed to help me with. I just don't like being reminded of all that I stole from Peeta and Delly. The happiness they most certainly could have had together. Wanting the same things out of life.

Delly doesn't look shocked by my angry reaction however, she simply says, "I saw you and Peeta kiss Katniss."

I try to stop the remorse from showing on my face, but I finally break. "I'm sorry Delly." I state quickly. It probably doesn't make up for any hurt I've caused. I know what it was like for me to think about Peeta kissing Delly, even when he and I weren't together. And it was painful. I can't imagine what it must have been like for her to witness he and I in the basement after they were dating for nearly two years.

She shakes her head quickly. "No, it was a very emotional moment for you and for Peeta, you two have been through a lot together. He wasn't in his right mind, and I'm sure you were just happy that he wasn't going to hurt himself anymore. That's why I never mentioned it. I understood."

For some reason it annoys me a little bit when she says the words_ 'He wasn't in his right mind...'. _But then again, everything Delly has done in the last few years has done nothing, but annoy me for no good reason.

I shrug, trying to feign nonchalance, "Sorry anyway I suppose." Why am I being so awful to her? I don't know. I should be begging her for forgiveness. But I won't. I'm horrible that way.

"I am contemplating moving in with my dad and brother in District two." She says quickly.

"Isn't that what you were supposed to be doing from the very beginning?" I snap back.

Her eyes narrow on me, she's caught onto my bad attitude, she's realized that she's done nothing wrong. I've never seen Delly angry, but I never should have doubted her ability to get angry. She leans forward in her chair, gripping the skirt she's wearing with both hands, "This is my home too Katniss! District twelve IS my home! It has been since the day I was born, just like you! You insinuating I should leave is like me saying you should! But I wouldn't say that to you! Because I know you belong here! Just like me! Just like Peeta! Peeta was my friend long long before you ever even decided to acknowledge him! Before the seventy-fourth hunger games! Before he ever tossed you bread, even before his father pointed you out to him on ALL OF OUR first day of school!"

For a moment I'm taken aback, wondering how she knows all of this about Peeta and I. Sometimes you forget about a large part of your personal life being televised for all the world to see. This doesn't make me any happier about her trying to throw them in my face. "What is your point?" I find myself all but shouting, "I know this is your home Delly! I'm sorry, but I don't care where you go! I don't care if you stay or leave!"

She stands up with tears in her eyes. My heart pains for her. An innocent bystander, caught up in all this. Delly should be with Peeta. She's loved him like he deserves to be loved. She's wanted him and only him like he deserves to be wanted. Peeta deserves someone so devoted to him.

"I want to know what I should do Katniss! Should I stick around and watch him suffer while you drag him along? Or should I just move on? Do you care for him at all? Do you care about his happiness? I could make him so happy Katniss! We would have a good life! You don't see how he smiles with me. When he told me that he didn't want to be with me, that he wanted you, I took it fairly well. I thought, 'If that's what Peeta wants, then at least he'll be happy!' and I let him go!" She flings her arms in the air and heads for my front door. "You're not making him happy." She stops and turns, pointing an accusatory finger at me. "You're making him even more miserable! As if he doesn't have enough problems with the nightmares and the flashbacks. He hardly ever sleeps! You can't just drag him back and forth. Either treat him the way he deserves to be treated or leave him alone!" She's full-on shouting now. She fumbles with the door for a moment and whips it open. "It's good to see you Katniss!" She shouts and slams the door behind her.

I'm so stunned by her outburst, and worse, the truth in her words. I can't move. I stare watching the spot where Delly left for a few moments.

_'You could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve him, you know.' _Haymitch's words echo in my head.

The truest words I've ever heard.

I look out the window and wait until I see that Delly has completely disappeared from the street. Then I whip open my door and run toward the only person who knows what I should do. The only person who'll be honest with me. Who won't just try to push Peeta and I together, the person who is most likely to tell me what I already know.

I run to Haymitch.

**xoxo**

**Peeta's POV**

"Might as well take these too." I mumble to myself as I carefully wrap two cheese covered buns in clear plastic. Tossing them into my leather sack with all the other snacks, before tossing it over my shoulder and heading out the door. Warm June air hits me in the face when I open the door. Momentarily taking my breath away. I step back inside and remove the light jacket I had put on. No need for that today. Stepping back out into the sunshine, I make the very short trek to Hatmitch's. I hear voices on the other side of his door, but I can't quite make out what they're saying, or who they belong to.

It must be Effie. She's been visiting Haymitch pretty often since she moved to the neighborhood. I would never bring it up, but I've noticed more than once Haymitch make the trek over to Effie's home, and didn't notice him return to his own until the next morning. I feel the smile stretch across my face, but try to remove it before knocking on his door. The last thing I need is for them to think I'm on to whatever is going on between them.

Once I knock, I notice the noise on the other side of the door come to a complete stop.

"Who is it?" I hear Haymitch call. This is very unusual. Usually he either doesn't answer at all, too drunk to comprehend that someone's at the door. Or he simply tells whoever it is to come in, on the rare occasion that the first option doesn't apply. I smile again, something interesting must be going on. I contemplate just barging in, catching Haymitch and Effie at whatever they're doing. I can't help but laugh at the image that pops up into my head.

"It's me Haymitch and I'm coming in!"

I push open the door and catch a flash of someone's legs bounding up the steps to the second story. Haymitch is sitting at his kitchen table, which is for some reason dragged into the middle of his living room.

"What's that all about Haymitch?" I smile, pointing up towards the stairs.

"I honestly don't know." Haymitch takes a long swig from whatever is in his coffee cup. Something tells me it's not coffee.

"Effie maybe?" I smile knowingly. Haymitch sputters his drink for a moment. Then sets the cup down, wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his long sleeved shirt.

"What are you talking about?" He says, a genuinely confused look in his eyes. Either Haymitch is a much better actor than I originally thought, or that wasn't Effie that just flew up the stairs.

"That wasn't Effie?" I say. Confused now, pointing towards the stairs so he'll know what I'm talking about.

"Why do you think Effie would be here?" Haymitch looks at me, trying to read my face.

I can't help it, I blurt out what I've noticed. "Because you've been staying the night over at her house? Because she's been coming over here almost every day?" I say.

Haymitch's expression drops. "Stay out of my business." He says gruffly. Taking another long swig from his coffee cup and tapping the bottom of the glass to get every last drop into his mouth.

"But that was Effie right?" I say, pointing up towards the stairs again.

"Nope." Haymitch says, standing and moving into the kitchen, apparently fixing himself another drink.

"Who was it then?" I ask following him into the kitchen. Here I set down my bag and begin to remove the bread and buns that I brought over for him. Hoping to sober him up enough to have an actual conversation with him. Apparently it wasn't needed. To be honest, Haymitch has been sober a lot more often since Effie started visiting. I'm laying the snacks out and removing the wrapping from each one (because we've already had one incident, where Haymitch was too drunk to remove the plastic wrap, and ended up nearly choking to death on plastic wrap.), when I realize he hasn't responded to my question. I stop my unwrapping to look over to him. "Haymitch?"

He looks up at me for a moment before pulling his trusty flask out of his pocket and pouring some of the spirits into his coffee cup, using his pinky to mix the fluids, then licking his finger to clean it.

"Haymitch..." I say again. Why wouldn't he answer me? "Who was that?"

"Why don't you go up there and find out?" He says without looking up.

"Who could it possibly be that you wouldn't just tell-" Then I realize. "Actually, don't mind if I do." I say, then turn to bolt up the stairs. In the hallway on the second story there are three doors to choose from, Haymitch's room, the bathroom and the spare room. Assuming she wouldn't dare try to hide in the disaster that is Haymitch's room, and his bathroom is just as unappealing. I make a beeline for the spare room. I reach to open the door and it's locked.

Ugh.

What is with this woman and locking doors?

"Katniss. I know you're in there." I say, propping myself up with my hands against the door frame. "Just come-"

Before I can finish my sentence, the door whips open and Katniss stands directly in front of me. She doesn't say a word, and doesn't try to move past me.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Visiting my old mentor, of course." She says, her hand still hanging on to the door she just opened.

"And hiding in his spare bedroom?"

"If I were hiding you never would have found me." She says. I almost see the corners of her mouth twitch up into a smile. Almost.

"It's Saturday." I say. Hoping she'll catch on.

She stands still for a moment. Contemplating her next answer after weeks of ignoring me. I'm half expecting her to tell me she doesn't want to see me and doesn't give a crap what day it is when she surprises me by asking, "Who's turn is it?"

"Mine." I smile.

"Are you sure? Because I'm pretty sure-"

"Yes I'm sure. It's my turn." I say.

She shoots me a look that means she doesn't believe me. Honestly I don't care who's turn it is, she's been ignoring me for weeks. We're doing what I want to do.

"What are we doing then." She says. A skeptical look on her face.

"I think we should go to the woods." I feel the smile on my face grow wider at the strange look in her eyes.

"Hunting? Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"No, not hunting." I say shaking my head slowly. "Swimming."

I can tell I've surprised her this time. "Swimming?" She repeats. "You can't even swim."

"It's about time I learned then." I smile, "Who better to teach me than you?" I try to push back the flashbacks that flood my vision from the last time Katniss and I swam. "So yes, swimming. Out at the lake out past the graveyard, by where I dug up the primrose bushes." I see her flinch at the word graveyard. But I don't care. We should be past all that by now, it's been years since the bodies were buried, and the lake is still a long ways away. "Besides," I continue, "I can't think of anything better to do on a day like today." I wave my hand to mock fanning myself. "It's ridiculously hot."

She swallows once, I watch her pale throat move with the force of it. "I'll need something to swim in." She says quickly.

I shake my head, "As if I'm going to let you hole yourself up in your house and ignore me for another month."

"It wasn't even a month." She rolls her eyes.

"It felt like much longer than a month." I say before she can argue anymore. Catching and holding her gray eyes with my own.

"What do you expect me to swim in then?" She asks.

I pretend to think for a moment, looking her up and down. "What your wearing seems fine."

She looks at her own outfit, confused. Too long, gray, cotton pants, her usual hunting boots poking out from underneath the fabric. A short sleeved, dark blue t-shirt with a missing collar. She must have tore it off, not caring what the end result looked like. Her hair pulled into a giant messy bun at the back of her head. "I can't swim in this!" She moves her hands to emphasize the clothing she's wearing. A small, endearing blush forming on her cheeks.

"Then take it off." I say, turning and throwing my hand in the air. "Either way, you're not going back to your house."

"I'm not taking it off." She grumbles behind me. But to my surprise she doesn't argue any more than that. She simply follows me down the stairs. Pulling her game bag out of a large box of junk that Haymitch has sitting in the hallway.

"What were you doing here anyway?" I ask, curiosity finally hitting me.

"Talking to Haymitch, I already told you." She responds. I shake my head. She knows what I'm asking. But I decide not to pry. I suppose if she suddenly decided she wanted Haymitch's company, it isn't the strangest thing that she's ever decided to do.

"See you later Haymitch." I say while picking up my sack that I left on the kitchen counter.

"Oh so you two are suddenly friends again I see." Haymitch says from his place at the kitchen, er I mean, living room table. "What were you guys doing up there?" Katniss shoots him a confused look, and I'm sure my face matches hers. "That was fast work Peeta. Try drinking, it'll prolong it a little." Haymitch winks at me, and starts laughing at his own joke. It takes me a moment to realize what he's implying. Luckily, it doesn't seem like Katniss understands what he's talking about. I shoot him a glare and walk out, with Katniss right behind me.

**xoxo**

**Katniss POV**

Walking out of Haymitch's house, I try to take even breaths to slow my heart down. When I opened the door to my hiding place in Haymitch's extra room, I had every intention of heading back to my house. Possibly allowing myself a small conversation with Peeta, and then immediately locking myself away for a few more weeks. But when I actually laid eyes on him, those old feelings surfaced, and I couldn't turn him away. I couldn't deny him, or myself what we both secretly (okay in Peeta's sense not so secretly...) want.

"Oh! Peeta! Katniss! What are you doing at Haymitch's?" Effie waves high over her head, although we are only a few feet from her. She's carrying a picnic basket full of god knows what.

"Just visiting our old mentor for old times sake." Peeta doesn't miss a beat, but then again, I'm sure Peeta comes to visit Haymitch all the time. It's only strange that I'm here. Peeta has nothing to feel awkward about.

"Good to see you Katniss!" Effie holds her sparkle covered arms out and gives me a squeeze. I must be sweating because when she pulls back she brushes at her clothes and says, "It sure is hot today isn't it?"

"Very hot." Peeta responds. "That's why we're heading out for a swim!"

"Oh! That does sound like fun! Is there a pool around here I didn't know about?" Effie looks excited and looks around the street as if the pool might be within range.

"Er, no, we were just going to go out to the lake out in the woods." I decide to contribute to the conversation. Hoping to break up some of the awkward.

"Oh." Effie's excitement seems to deflate a little. "Is that..." She pauses for a moment, looking for the right word, "Sanitary?"

Peeta laughs. "I don't know, I've never done it myself."

My mind rushes back to another lifetime, standing on the beach of a giant deadly clock, holding my bow taught, my heart going wild while I watch Finnick out of the corner of my eye swimming out to retrieve Peeta. Hoping with every fiber of my being that Finnick really means to help Peeta and I, that he doesn't intend on just killing Peeta and then coming back for me.

"_...niss...Katniss..._Katniss!" My mind breaks free of the memory with Peeta's hands on my shoulders and a very terrified Effie standing quite a bit father back than she was before. "Are you back?" He says quietly. Looking me straight in the eyes.

"I..." I stammer. My heart rate slowing minutely. My mind coming to terms with where I am and what I'm doing. I nod at him instead of trying to speak.

"Peeta's supposed to be having the flashbacks darling, not you." Effie laughs hysterically at her own joke. I almost smile, because it's actually quite true. Peeta openly laughs.

"Do you happen to have a swimsuit that Katniss would fit in?" Peeta suddenly blurts out. If I was pulled out of my nightmare a moment ago, I'm thrown right back into it now.

"What?" I say panicked.

"Do I..." Effie stops for a moment. Putting her finger to her lips and looking up at the sky as if to ponder for a moment. "Of course I do!" Before I have time to protest she latches on to my right hand and starts pulling me up towards her front door.

"Wait! Effie!" Peeta shouts to stop her. I've never loved Peeta more in my life than this moment. Saving me from Effie's clutches.

"Do you want a swimsuit or not?" Effie shouts back, not letting go of her death grip on my wrist.

"I do, but a quick one." Peeta laughs. "Just go grab any one, it doesn't matter which. You don't need Katniss for that." He pauses, taking my other hand in his own. "She's mine today."

Effie pouts for a moment, and then looks over at me. She looks back to Peeta and smiles wickedly. "I've got a real treat then. One she can't object to." And with that she releases my hand and gallops up the steps to my old home, flinging open the door, heels clicking on the wooden floor of the living room.

Peeta and I are left standing at the open front door, looming just outside of the intensely decorated home. Waiting, and waiting and waiting. Awkward silence enveloping us. Finally I speak up, "I can't believe you're putting me through all this."

He laughs loudly, "Maybe you'll learn your lesson and not ignore me for weeks on end again."

Before I have time to respond, Effie comes bounding back down the stairs, two tiny, horrific looking, black cloths in hand.

"What are those?" I ask. Terrified of her response.

"It's a bikini of course!" Effie bubbles triumphantly.

"I am not wearing that." I shake my head frantically. Remembering how I was coaxed into wearing the white dress to the museum opening, that I swore I'd never wear. But something about the look I see on Peeta's face, the faint look of disappointment in his eyes, the tiny blush that creeps up into his cheeks, makes my heart flip over and I'm immediately torn.

Effie leans in deep to whisper to me, her hand curled around my ear so that Peeta won't hear, "I'm pretty sure he's dying to see you in it."

And somewhere deep within me, my last bit of sanity breaks. And I take the too tiny garment from Effie's long ornately painted fingernails. "Let's just go, it's too hot to stall."

I don't miss the dazed, but ridiculously happy expression in Peeta's eyes.

And I'm sure he doesn't miss the blush that burns my cheeks.

**xoxo**

**If you're a fan of this fanfic so far, you're not going to want to miss the next chapter! **

**That's all I have to say! 350 reviews will give me plenty of time to get the next chapter perfected! Love you all!**


	9. Year 4 swimming

**I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're all going to love this chapter!**

**Sorry it took me so long to update. But you get some hot and heavy smut, some romance, some feeligns, some setup, some insight, some wet dripping Peeta & Katniss. What more could you want?**

**I had a friend help me out a bit with this chapter. Even if I'm horrible and awful and can't take good constructive criticism without thinking that I know best, she spent a good amount of time attempting to help me. **

**So thank you **penandquil** for all your hard work!**

**Also, in case it isn't obvious, this first section written from Haymitch's point of view is an in depth look of the conversation between Katniss and Haymitch in the last chapter. The one that Peeta interrupted. Everyone really seemed to want to know what was said, so instead of just having Katniss re-cap it in her head,I figured I would do a small piece from Haymitch's perspective. I hope I didn't make him come across OOC.  
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**Also, also, I had a few people say that Peeta thinking or saying the word 'cock' was slightly OOC, but omg, it sounds literally ridiculous and not sexy in the slightest if I say 'penis' or 'wiener'. So I apologize, but I guess one word OOC isn't going to kill anyone.**

**Year 4**

**[June]**

**Haymitch's POV**

"Now, to what do I owe this..." I pause for dramatic effect. Finishing my gin and apple juice (it was the only liquid I could find in the house that wasn't water) before finishing my sentence. "pleasure."

The girl sits across from me, watching me with those beedy, little, gray eyes. Not speaking. For the hundredth time I wonder how a girl like this could have gotten any sponsors. She seems to have an intense, internal battle with herself every time she wants to speak a sentence.

I sigh loudly and stand to make my way into the kitchen. I'm not exactly sure how my kitchen table got into the living room, but I am sure it has something to do with that gallon of white rum that Thom gave me for my birthday last month. Literally all I know is that I blacked out with the table sitting in it's usual spot in the kitchen, and woke up the next day to it moved directly in the center of the living room. "Good times, good times." I mumble to myself. Chuckling softly at my own joke.

"Did you say something?" She calls from the living room.

"Nope." I begin pouring another drink. My cup is half-full of whiskey when I remember that Effie is supposed to be on her way over at around 2pm. My eyes dart to the clock, 1:10pm. Effie doesn't appreciate the effects of excessive alcohol consumption as much as I do. I contemplate what I should do for a moment and begin to try to pour the liquor I've already put in my glass back into it's bottle. I don't want to waste any, even though it's a lot easier to come by since the war ended. The thought that I'm not drinking just because Effie doesn't like me to, annoys me. I remind myself that I don't care what Effie thinks, and pour the alcohol back into my cup. I lift the cup up to my lips to take a swig, but hesitate. At this point I've come to an impasse. I don't want to drink because Effie will get all whiny at me when she gets here, but I do want to drink because, well, drinking is what I do.

I've begun pouring the gin back into it's original bottle again when a sudden voice scares the piss out of me.

"What are you doing?"

I jump, and my hand reflexively grabs the knife tucked into the belt of my pants. I realize a moment later that it's just Katniss and sigh as I set the knife onto the table. Old habits die hard.

"Why do you have to be so damn quiet all the time?" I shout, angry that she frightened me. "Most sane people don't sneak around on tippy-toe trying to scare people, y'know." I say.

"I wasn't trying to scare you, I was just wondering why you're pouring whiskey in and out of that bottle."

"I'm trying to mix it up, it's better that way." I say quickly. Taking a deep swig straight from the bottle, attempting to emphasize my non-existent point. Then remember about Effie coming over and promise myself that I won't drink anymore before she shows up.

"You're even stranger than I remember." She says. Walking back into the living room.

"You're even less appealing than I remember." I rebut, following her into the living room with an empty cup, hoping she won't notice that it's empty and ask me any more annoying questions.

We both take our seats again at my table in the living room. I pretend to sip from my cup and she stares at a painting propped up against the wall.

"Your boy gave that to me." I say. Knowing full well that she'll complain about me calling him her boy. But hey, I don't have much excitement in my life. I glance at the clock again. 1:16pm. I need to move this along.

"He's not my boy."

I roll my eyes at her predictability. "Oh yeah! That's right, he's with that cute Cartwright girl." That'll spur her along. Or at least make her leave. I actually know that Peeta and Delly aren't together. Peeta tells me way more than I care to hear of his woman issues. I have enough woman issues of my own. This thought reminds me to check the clock again. 1:17pm.

"Hmm..." She hums in response. Still staring at that stupid painting.

Maybe she's not as predictable as I thought.

"She's good for him." I say, leaning back in my chair. "Good for me too. Since she's been around doesn't complain about you as much." This makes her head snap in my direction.

"Do you really think that?" Her voice sounds pained.

"Hell yeah I do." I say sitting forward again. "Hasn't complained about you in weeks." This, of course, isn't true. He complained about her the day before yesterday, and the day before that.

She glares at me once, then takes a deep breath, "Do you really think that she's good for him?".

At least we're getting to the root of this conversation now. "I do." I say, and I mean it. Delly's one of those agreeable bobbleheads, that does nothing except run around and try to make everyone happy. Doesn't have many occurring thoughts of her own, but hey, who needs that in a woman? I glance at the clock again. 1:20pm.

"Peeta..." She pauses for a second, having that internal battle with herself again. I watch her drum her fingers on the table in front of her, focusing only on them. "Peeta deserves someone like Delly. He's done so much, and given up so much..."

"Yeah yeah yeah, I know." I stop her by flapping my hand at her. "We all know. Hell, the whole country knows." I stand up. "What's your point sweetheart?"

She glares again, "My point is..." She stands now too, "He's been left with nothing, mostly because of me, and he deserves so much more! I don't know if I should just, disappear. If I would be doing him some kind of favor by leaving and letting him live out his life with Delly! Who knows? Maybe if I left, his flashbacks would stop. Maybe me being in such a close vicinity to him is making them worse!" She's watching my reaction now, her fingertips pressed into the table, supporting her. "He deserves to have every single thing he wants out of life. He deserves -"

"Wait." I stop her. Putting my hand up, inspiration striking. "Say that again."

She gives me a strange look, and doesn't follow instruction, as usual.

"Don't give me that dumpy look sweetheart, say that last part again."

She starts slowly, obviously not catching on, "He deserves to have everything he wants-"

"Right!" I slap my hand down hard on the table. Katniss doesn't move. "And guess what he wants sweetheart?" I say. Her eyes grow a little wider, anticipating the answer, "It doesn't take talking to the boy for more than five minutes to know that what he wants is you."

She doesn't respond for a moment, taking my words in. My eyes catch the clock again. 1:33pm. Time to wrap this party up.

"He wants you, and according to you he deserves what he wants." I sit back down at the table, "Frankly, the poor guy has been waiting way too long, for one piece of ass." I realize what I just said and quickly add, "Excuse my french. But even after you turned into this skinny wreck you are now." She doesn't glare, just stands, awe struck, and listens. "If you're so fucking devoted to Peeta's cause then stop being such a masochistic, emotional train wreck and start caring about doing right by that damn boy next door! And stop focusing on yourself so damn much!"

She stops moving for a second, drinking it all in slowly. "I don't focus-"

"You focusing on keeping yourself miserable all the damn time is just as bad as someone else focusing only on making themselves happy all the damn time."

"But I-"

"No more buts! You came here for my advice and I gave it to you. It's some damn good advice too if I don't say so my-"

This time I'm cut off, by someone pounding at my front door. I glance at the clock, only 1:37pm, would she come this early? I look down and see my stain covered shirt from last night. I meant to change before she showed up.

"Who is it?" I shout. Katniss is busy slinking over to my door to see for herself.

"It's me Haymitch and I'm coming in!" Peeta's voice echoes from the other side of the door. Before he had time to finish his sentence, Katniss was already turned around and half way up the stairs, dropping her game bag that she'd slung over her shoulder into a pile of junk on her way up.

Peeta steps inside and immediately looks up towards the stairs. I wonder if he saw her. I wonder why she's running away from him. I realize that I don't really give a flying fuck about either of those things really, when I look at the clock and see that it's nearly 1:40.

"What's that all about Haymitch?" He asks. Might as well not give the girl away if I don't have to. It may take her another couple of years to come visit if I do. Not that I care in the slightest.

"I honestly don't know." I respond. And it's true. I pretend to swig from my empty cup. Keeping up appearances is important, according to Effie.

"Effie maybe?"

I look up and he's grinning like he's just won a gold medal. What the hell is he talking about? "What the hell are you talking about?" I set the cup down on the table. Wiping my face with my sleeve for good measure.

"That wasn't Effie?" He asks again.

I'm genuinely curious how much this boy knows, "Why do you think Effie would be here?" I watch his face carefully for his response.

He looks confused for a moment, then tries to rationalize, "Because you've been staying the night over at her house? Because she's been coming over here almost every day?"

'What a little nosy shit.' I think.

"Stay out of my business." I say. Glancing at the clock one more time before making a dramatic display of 'emptying' the last of my already empty cup.

"But that was Effie right?" He says again. I sigh, honestly a tad bit annoyed now.

"Nope." I say, glancing at the clock again on my way to the kitchen. 1:43pm.

"Who was it then?" He asks. Following me into the kitchen. My stomach growls loudly when I see the breads he's pulling out of his bag he brought with him. The boy can definitely bake.

"Why don't you go up there and find out?" I respond. Hoping that I have a clean shirt somewhere downstairs to change into when he does.

"Who could it possibly be that you wouldn't just tell-" I watch as realization hits him. "Actually, don't mind if I do." And with that he bounds out of the kitchen. I listen closely to his footsteps pounding up the stairs. Then reach over and pop one of the muffins he brought into my mouth whole and move into the living room to try and dig through the clutter to find a clean shirt.

I hear them talking upstairs. While digging through the pile closest to the kitchen door I find a red shirt that I can only remember wearing once since Greasy Sae washed it. "Jackpot." I whisper to myself. And quickly pull off my dirty shirt to replace it with the new one. I glance at the clock again 1:55pm. I sigh dramatically as I plop myself down at the table to wait.

Finally after a few more agonizingly slow minutes, they come bounding down my stairs together.

"See you later Haymitch!" Peeta says, stepping into my kitchen to grab his bag.

"Oh so you two are suddenly friends again I see." I say in response. Catching eyes with Katniss as she steps towards the front door. "What were you guys doing up there?" Katniss shoots me a confused look, and Peeta follows suit. I try to elaborate on my obviously hilarious joke, "That was fast work Peeta. Try drinking, it'll prolong it a little." I wink at Peeta for good measure and laugh a bit to let them know it's supposed to be funny. Kids these days. Katniss looks confused, but Peeta shoots me a glare that would put Katniss to shame. He's so touchy anymore.

As soon as the door closes behind them I make my way to the downstairs bathroom. I clean up pretty good, if I try hard enough.

**xoxo**

**Katniss' POV**

This was it then.

I'm not sure exactly what will transpire when Peeta and I get to the lake, but I do know that from this moment on, I'm going to try my best to be the kind of woman Peeta deserves. Every word Haymitch spoke was true. Peeta has been waiting for me far too long. He does deserve everything he wants. And for some reason, he wants me.

The least I can do after everything that's happened to this man, is try to be more like the woman that he deserves.

I need to take care of him, I need to be there for him, I have to stop leaving him alone. I need to try to love him unconditionally. I have to be more like what he needs. More like Delly.

I hear Peeta sigh and he stops right in front of me. Turning to face me, he shakes his head slowly, "I can't do this Katniss."

I feel my heart drop into my stomach. Anticipating the worst.

"If you don't want to come with me to the lake. You don't have to." He looks up into my eyes. I see the sadness there, and my heart breaks for him. This poor man really, honestly wants me for absolutely no good reason. I've been nothing but awful and confusing to him. And he still only thinks of me, never of himself.

"I want to go Peeta." I say, hearing the quiver in my voice.

He frowns, "Well that wasn't very convincing."

I try to smile and hold up the scrap of black material Effie gave me. "Do you really think I would be agreeing to _this_," here I point to the swimsuit to emphasize my point, "if I didn't want to go swimming with you?"

Peeta actually smiles, not the kind of smile that he gets when he says or thinks something funny. Just that kind of smile that means he's happy. I love this smile.

"Okay then. Let's go!" He turns and has a new bounce to his step as we move towards the woods. I see, for a fraction of a second, him look down and move his hand out towards mine as if to reach for it. But he must have thought twice about it, because he immediately lets it fall back to his side and doesn't say a word.

I reach forward and intertwine my fingers with his. He doesn't look down, but he gives my hand a squeeze and I feel a kick against my chest that I haven't felt in a long time.

We walk like this until we reach my usual gap in the fence. It was long ago replaced with a wire gate, to allow easier access for the citizens of 12. The fence is no longer a horrible cage to try and keep us all in, now it's a barrier meant to protect our homes and families from the dangers of the woods. It will never hum with electricity again, and the barbed wire has been removed. This thought makes me smile.

"Do you want to walk to the other gate across town?" Peeta's looking down on me. He's asking because if we make a beeline for the lake, we'll walk very near to the meadow. The meadow that hides hundreds of bodies deep beneath the ground.

"No." I say. Although I feel my pulse quicken and lungs begin to reach for air at a much faster pace. Peeta doesn't question my answer though, and we simply walk hand in hand. It's about time I saw the grave of the lost citizens of District 12.

It doesn't take as long as I remember to reach the meadow. You would literally never know that it's a graveyard. No markings, no trace of tilled dirt. This surprises me somehow, even though it's been over 4 and a half years.

The meadow consists of a quarter mile of mowed luscious grass, circled by some freshly pruned trees of the forest. It looks like something out of a dream, butterflies circle the golden streams of sunlight that the trees allow through. Tiny purple, yellow and white flowers grow scattered here and there. The only indication that there are bodies down below is a small mural that the citizens of 12 and 13 placed in the very center of the field. There's a golden plaque with several bouquets of flowers surrounding it. A few notes written by friends and family members are tacked to a large board that's been propped up and decorated with more flowers.

"The plaque says, 'Lost but never forgotten'." Peeta answers the question that I was too afraid to ask.

"This is beautiful." I say quietly. I realize I've been gripping his hand incredibly tight and loosen it a bit. We don't move near enough to actually step into the meadow. For some reason walking on the grass of this place seems too much like dancing on someone's grave. Maybe someday I will be able to enjoy time here, like it seems like other people have, but definitely not today.

"We've been taking care of it. Out of all the times you've been out hunting the last few years you haven't stopped by here?"

I shake my head no. I had been making every effort to avoid this entire area. Afraid what pain this site would bring on. But it wasn't necessary, this place is perfect. Perfect for all those poor, innocent people who never saw the attack on them coming. Those people who suffered because of mine and Peeta's careless mistakes.

"It's perfect." I whisper. I feel tears threaten, but manage to keep them at bay.

"They deserve so much more." Peeta whispers in response. I look up at him, it's usually me being the negative one. Me being the one to point out the painfully obvious. But that's exactly what this is. Painfully obvious. Nothing we could have done or will ever do will be good enough for them.

But this place is at least a good start towards all that they deserve.

Peeta smiles weakly, and we stand together in silence. Simply taking it all in. After a while he asks if I still want to go swimming. I nod. We walk to the lake in silence.

The heat doesn't ebb after we reach the lake. If anything it's gotten warmer somehow since we reached the woods. We've only just arrived when Peeta lets go of my hand and walks behind one of the large rocks that my father and I used to dive off of when we came here. The water is shallow in some places, but very deep in others. The water underneath and around the lake is laden with large rocks and boulders.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Stripping." He responds jokingly. This is great, I'm not even into my scrap of fabric yet and I'm already blushing.

"I'm not sure where to change." I say. Looking around.

"Just change where you're standing. I'll close my eyes." Peeta comes walking out from behind the rock and I quickly avert my eyes. I did catch a flash of clothing covering him below. Thankfully he must have kept his boxers on. Probably for my sake.

I ignore Peeta's suggestion and walk to the other side of the rock, taking off my shoes and socks, then slipping out of my bra before removing my shirt. I sit for a moment, covering my breasts with both hands. I sneak a peek around the rock to make sure that Peeta isn't looking. He's not, he's easing himself into the lake from one of the rocky ledges. I quickly remove my pants and underwear. Slipping on the stringy piece of fabric that is obviously meant to cover my bottom. It doesn't do it's job very well.

I sigh a dramatic sigh and hear Peeta laugh from the other side of the rock.

"Stop being such a baby, you'll be in the water soon anyway."

I sigh again. Fumbling with the bikini top, trying to figure out which side is up, and what strings I'm supposed to tie and where I'm supposed to tie them. The entire time I stand here topless I panic that Peeta may leave the water to try and sneak a peek. But I can hear him splashing around in the lake and try to calm myself down. Peeta isn't one to peek. He had plenty of opportunities to see me when we shared a bed in the Capitol. Why would he start trying to sneak a peek now?

After about 10 straight minutes of fumbling I manage to get the top mostly secured. I untie and re-tie each of the strings, making sure the bikini is on tight and it's not going to simply fall off when I get in the water.

I take a few deep breaths. Trying to prepare myself for walking out in front of Peeta like this.

"Did you fall asleep over there?" Peeta jokes from the water.

I take another deep breath and step out.

**xoxo**

**Peeta's POV**

Katniss steps out from behind her hiding place and I try my best not to show any immediate reaction.

But god.

Oh god.

I make a mental note to thank Effie for her amazing taste in bathing suits. This Capitol swimsuit is like nothing he's ever seen anyone in before. Tiny triangular pieces of fabric barely hide the peaks of Katniss' breasts from my vision. Two thin black strings holds the fabric onto Katniss' body. One behind her neck and the other behind her back. The bottoms are held on by nothing but two strings as well, one on each of her hips. I see her breasts bounce ever so slightly as she quickly tip-toes to the edge of the lake. I watch as she clings to the rocky edges of the lake and slips into the water from the waist up. She let's out a small 'ah' as she gets in.

I try to ignore the adrenaline pulsing through my veins at the site of her. Trying to keep the flow of blood from rushing straight to my cock. But something tells me it won't be too much of a problem. She's blushing a deep red and won't even look in my direction. Her modesty is one of those strange things about her that makes me love her. I remember back to our second Hunger Games when Finnick and Johanna teased her because of it and smile. She has the same blush across her cheeks now as she did then.

I watch, completely fascinated as her top half finally slips below the waters surface. She starts swimming, effortless moving from her spot on the other side of the lake, to another spot right next to me.

I envy her ability to... not drown.

She bobs up out of the water, using her hand to steady herself against the same rock that I cling to.

It takes me all of 2 seconds to realize something that Katniss probably doesn't.

Something amazing.

The swimsuit Effie gave her must definitely be from the capital.

Some kind of awful, yet wonderful bikini that turns from a simple solid black fabric to a lacy practically see-through material as soon as it touches water. It went from barely covering anything on her body while dry, to not hiding a damn thing from my prying eyes when wet.

Luckily she doesn't look down, she still can't seem to look at me either. She's busy fussing with her hair, pulling the sopping wet black mass away from her eyes. I literally can't look away. Two pink pebbled nipples strain against the wet black lace. Her two perfect, supple breasts fill the swimsuit out nicely and I realize for the first time that Katniss is no longer the girl that I watched from afar in our school classroom. She's a full-grown woman. With curves and absolutely perfect breasts that would make any man's head spin.

There is literally nothing that I've ever wanted more in my life than to pull one of those nipples deep into my mouth.

For a moment I wonder if I shouldn't tell Katniss about the swimsuit, obviously she's going to find out one way or another. And she'll probably be angry that I didn't mention anything about it.

But then I look down at her again, and realize that even if she does find out, it will most definitely be worth it.

"Is it that bad?" I look up and see that Katniss caught me watching her, she's blushing furiously, but obviously still hasn't noticed that she's wearing practically nothing.

"Is what that bad?" I ask. Surprised that I'm not blushing too. There's probably far too much blood fueling the hardness of my cock to have any left to redden my face.

"The swimsuit. I know it's pretty tiny." She shrugs a bit and swims over to the ledge next to me. Stretching her arms out to lean back against the rocks. "I guess it's still better than swimming in nothing." She laughs a bit.

I laugh harder.

I decide it's time to distract her (and me) from the swimsuit.

"Okay so. Teach." I say, clapping my hands together and rubbing them for effect. Doing my absolute best not to look down at her chest again.

She laughs again, "It's not that simple! I don't know the first thing about teaching someone how to swim! It's just something you..." She shrugs, "Do. It's just something you do. You either do it or you don't."

I roll my eyes, "How did you learn?"

She makes a face that let's me know she's thinking, trying to remember. "I don't know honestly, I think my dad just threw me in and I swam."

"Okay, so throw me in." I say smiling at her.

She furrows her brow, "Maybe I will!"

"I'd love to see you try." I grin wider and begin climbing out of the water. She watches from the water below. I figure there's no real point in trying to hide any remnants of the raging hard-on I had a few moments ago. She's avidly avoiding looking anywhere but at my face. Funny that I'm doing the same thing to her, but for a completely different reason.

"Come on then!" I shout, goading her on. "Come on Ms. Katniss Everdeen. Fearless huntress from District 12! Throw me in the water!" I shout loudly, alerting anyone in the woods about what's going on. Knowing there's no chance of anyone being out this far.

She glares at me from the water. And to my utter surprise begins to climb out of the lake after me, apparently to do what I was just daring her to do.

I try to avoid looking at her now, soaking wet.

But I am a man after all.

I take in every inch of Katniss with my eyes. Long, thick dark hair pulled back into it's usual braid, dripping long streams of water down her body. Thick, dark lashes flutter over gorgeous grey eyes; tiny droplets of water clinging to them. Tiny drops of water roll down her perfectly sculpted cheekbones, falling into the tiny opening she's made between her full lips. She tilts her head to the side, squeezing the excess water from her hair, I scan down past her pert breasts still straining against the revealing fabric of her top, down the flat contours of her stomach...

No, the pale pink burn marks that mar her skin don't go unnoticed to me. But in a strange way they only add to her beauty. Reminding me that this is _Katniss_, this is the girl that went with me to the Hunger Games, the girl who saved my life numerous times, the girl who experienced all the same terrifying days with me. Who I've loved my entire life. Who's seen the same horrors. This was _Katniss_, the girl who was on fire.

In the sun the lace of her bikini has begun to color back into a solid black. I look down below to see that the most intimate patch of skin beneath her swimsuit is pale and smooth as the skin of an apple, I can just make out the feminine crease that marks her as nothing but woman.

My mind can't help but form an immediate daydream, of her lying on her back, and me sliding those thin undergarments down her never-ending legs. Watching her spread her legs open for me, so I can see what lies between them.

I realize that I'll have to end this day dream early. When Katniss suddenly lunges towards me, attempting to knock me into the water, like she promised me she would. I move just in time and barely avoid being pushed in. But suddenly I realize that it may be more beneficial for me to be in the water. Considering the considerably large erection that I have almost no hope of hiding in my completely soaked boxers.

When she lunges at me again, I take the not-so-sensible, but oh-so-much-less-embarrassing-then-letting-her-see-my-hard-cock approach and envelop her in my arms when she runs into me. Pulling her effortlessly into the water with me. Praying on everything that is holy that we aren't falling into either, water that's so deep I can't stand, or worse, sharp murderous submerged rocks.

The water rushes over me and I feel Katniss slip effortlessly from my arms, I try to move my arms and legs to propel me towards the surface, but after a moment I realize that it's not helping. All I can do is keep holding my breath as my body slowly rises to the surface on it's own. But I feel something grab on to my arm and begin to pull me toward the surface even faster. My head emerges and I take a deep, much needed breath. And flail around until I latch on to the rocks that form the edge of the lake.

"What is wrong with you!" Katniss shouts. I feel my sides start to quake with laughter. Katniss doesn't like this very much and starts to shove at me, sinking under the water each time she stops swimming to push me. I continue to laugh. Using one of my hands to brush the water off of my face in one sweep. I pull myself along the edge of the lake, away from Katniss until I find a nice rock jutting out underwater that I sit on to rest. I turn and Katniss has followed me. Still splashing me with water while I attempt to contain my laughter.

"You could have drown!" She shouts again putting both hands on my chest and pushing me back against the rocks. She's furious and shoving me, and her swimsuit has gone back to it's very revealing lace and my skin burns where I feel her hands on me and I can't contain the strange elation that seems to stem from my very soul and control every fiber of my being.

I reach up and grab her tiny fragile wrists in my hands, pulling them up above my head, forcing her to move closer to me. Her chest pushing against mine. She struggles for a moment, but I feel her relax in my grip. I arrange her arms so that I'm holding her hands criss-crossed behind my neck. She says nothing, doesn't make a move to stop me. We sit chest to chest now. Me sitting on the jutting stone deep beneath the surface of the water, her leaning against the rock and me. Fortunately she refuses to sit in my lap, which is good and bad. Bad because normally her sitting in my lap, wearing what she's wearing now, and in a pool no less, would fulfill one of my many many fantasies about her that I've had since I hit puberty. But good because I have no idea what her reaction would be to feeling one of the most painful erections I've ever had pressed between her legs.

I bite back a groan at the thought of my cock buried into the heat between her legs.

"I've never felt like this before." I hear her whisper.

Katniss breaks me out of my day dreams, yet again. Funny how I finally have her soaking wet, practically naked and pressed against my body, and all I can do is day dream of even more.

"Wha-" My voice cracks. I clear my throat. "What do you mean?" My voice sounds husky for some reason. Laced thick with lust. Her breasts rise and fall heavily against my chest. Her lips are slightly parted, drops of water clinging to them. Her grey eyes are linked to mine. She doesn't blink. I feel her breath pant against my own lips. I close my eyes as I feel her hand move up to brush my hair from my forehead. She moves her hand to the back of my head and I feel her nails move across my scalp, down to the back of my neck. A shiver runs down my spine and my eyes snap open when I feel Katniss' lips brush against mine. I can't bring myself to move however. I feel like if I push this too far in any direction that Katniss will run again. I am completely confused. She watches me carefully.

"I've never felt... like this." She says again. As if repeating the statement explains everything. And strangely enough it does. I know exactly what she means. This shaky, thrilling experience that makes me feel more alive than I ever have in my life. This strange anticipation that is somehow managing to kill me, while pumping fresh life through my veins at the same time. The pounding of my heart that I can suddenly feel in every facet of my being. The shivers of sheer pleasure that run through my body from the tiniest brush of Katniss against me.

I am honestly practically a stranger to everything that is sex. I know the basics, I know how it's done. But I had no idea, even in my wildest dreams, that just the real anticipation of it could feel like this. I've never been more turned on in my life, never felt more masculine, more like a beast. Like a crazy insatiable animal who wants nothing more than to take the beautiful creature placed in front of him.

But the thought of scaring her away from me stops me in my tracks. I'm unable to move, to act as I would if I were some kind of beast.

"Katniss." I say in a strangers voice. "You have no idea what you're doing to me right now."

She shakes her head negatively. "The same thing that you're doing to me." Her voice is barely audible. The thought that Katniss could possibly be feeling even a fraction of the crazed emotions that shake me to the core right now seems impossible. My arms move to her legs, gripping the back of her knees and pulling her legs to rest on either sides of my hips. I know that there is no way to avoid her feeling the straining member between my legs. But I need to feel her against me. My eyes slide closed involuntarily and I feel the shudder that wracks through Katniss' body as she jumps slightly at the sudden unexpected pressure. She settles on top of my lap, I can feel the warmth between her legs even through the cold water and my boxers. I put my hands on her hips and keep her pressed down. The junction of our hips grinding against one another slowly. mimicking the slick movements of sex without actually crossing that line. The heat between us grows and Katniss drops her head to my shoulder. Whispering a broken word that sounds something like my name. Our chests heave against one another, the only sounds now are that of our heavy pants in each other's ears and the soft splashing of the water around us.

Just when I think I literally can't take any more, when I'm about to slip my hand into the tiny lace panties between Katniss and I. A voice echoes against the rocks around us.

"NOT IF I GET THERE FIRST!"

My eyes fly open and Katniss suddenly pushes away from me. Her head turning wildly around to see where the voice may have come from.

In the distance I can make out the sounds of footsteps running in our general direction from the woods, the sound of children laughing reverberates around the rocks of the lake.

"Billy wait! Don't leave me behind!" The voice of a young girl shouts.

They'll be here any moment. Katniss and I lock eyes and we immediately begin scrambling out of the water. She gets to her clothes first, and I'm thankful, seeing as how she still hasn't noticed the relative invisibility of her swimsuit.

But as soon as I think that she may not have to know that she was basically nude the entire time she was in the water, I hear her scream pierce the air. "PEETA!"

I cringe and don't look her way, quickly pulling on my shorts and begin using my shirt to dry off my chest before the children arrive.

"YOU CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT!" She's shrieking now, fumbling to try and slip on her pants over her soaked legs. It's obviously not working. A little boy, no more than 10 erupts into the clearing. Running straight into the lake full of water. Followed by another little boy and finally a small girl about 5 or 6 stumbles into the clearing and stops at the edge of the water. I quickly run to Katniss and shove my shirt into her hands.

"Put it on!" I shout. She runs behind the rock we changed behind earlier.

Looking over my shoulder I see the children watching me with wide eyes. I recognize one of the boys.

"Mr. Mellark!" He shouts and begins climbing out of the water to meet me. "Did you come here to swim?"

I can hear Katniss struggling on the other side of the rock and I move to try and block her even more from the child's view.

"I already swam, Raid. I'm heading back home now. Where's your mother?"

Raid frowns, obviously unhappy that I won't be joining him and his friends in their swim. "She's on her way. We ran ahead."

"Oh great." I say. "Ms. Everdeen and I were about to head back into town, maybe we'll see her on the way?"

"Maybe." Raid shrugs. "When are you going to open the bakery?" He asks.

"Soon." I say.

"Ready to go home?" Katniss says, coming out from behind the rock, my t-shirt covering her from neck to mid-thigh. She clutches her own shirt, pants, socks and shoes tight to her chest. Her cheeks are ridiculously red and something tells me it has nothing to do with the sun.

"Yep!" I say a little too quickly. "I'll see you later Raid! Tell your father I said hi!" I say over my shoulder as Katniss and all but run into the woods.

**xoxo**

**Katniss' POV**

I stand, letting the warmest water my skin can handle hit me in the face. Relishing in the feel of it running down my body. My mind can't seem to stop returning to the lake. The crazy-strange feelings that overcame my body at seeing Peeta in the water. Glistening with water, topless with a strong structured body. His chiseled perfect chest and arms, his unmistakably large bulge in his thin red shorts. The way his large, strong hands held my wrists prisoner in their grasp. Feeling his hard chest rub against my suddenly hyper-sensitive breasts. The intense heat and hardness of his groin pressed against me intimately. The rhythmic pattern our bodies made of their own accord against one another. Without thought we'd formed a steady pace.

My body shivers again at the memory of the intense waves of pleasure that rippled through my body at every simple movement against the lump in his shorts.

Deciding to stop running away from Peeta Mellark was turning out to be one of the most profitable decisions I've made in my entire life.

I know next to nothing about sex, besides the actual physical fundamentals of sex.

I had no idea.

I had no idea that I could ever, even in my wildest dreams, feel the way I did today.

I had no idea that I possessed any kind of strange instinctual _need _ to feel him inside of me. To be a woman in the most primal of ways. The need to be invaded. The primal, instinctual, crazy pull of everything in my body to simply be taken, right there and then. Taken fast and hard and forever. Taken in hard swift intricate strokes by a man like Peeta. By Peeta.

I had absolutely no idea.

I step out of the shower and dry myself off with a towel that was laid out for me by an abnormally bashful Peeta before I got in the shower. A pile of his clothes sit for me on top of a white wicker laundry basket. I slip on a pair of light grey sweatpants and pull the string as tight as I can to get them to fit me without slipping off. Next I slip into one of Peeta's t-shirts. It's soft and warm, and smells like Peeta. It's also far far too big for me and I tie a knot in the side of it to keep myself from literally swimming in it.

Looking in the mirror I comb my hair out with my fingers and quickly maneuver it into my trademark braid. I can't do much about the blush on my cheeks and decide to give up and simply go to face Peeta.

As soon as I exit the bathroom, however, he tells me not to leave his house and goes to take a shower himself. I look out the window as the sun begins to set. After a short period, Peeta exits the bathroom. Wearing an outfit similar to mine, with black sweatpants instead of grey and a light blue shirt. He uses a towel to rub the water out of his hair and looks relieved that I decided not to leave while he was in the shower.

He walks into the living room and sits on the couch next to me.

He laughs a bit and I ask him why he's laughing.

"I guess it's just funny how scary you can be." He responds, smiling.

I frown, "What? How am I scary!"

He looks at me, the smile on his face reaches all the way to his eyes. I love it. Even when he's insulting me I can't help but love his smile.

"I don't know what to do or how to act now. I'm scared that you'll leave and I won't see you again for a few weeks. I'm scared that I'm going to push things to far and you'll leave permanently."

My frown deepens a bit. He's absolutely right, I have given him no reason to feel any other way. It makes sense that he should feel so unsure and confused. "I'm sorry..." I say quietly. Looking down at my hands in my lap. "It honestly makes sense that you would feel like that."

He shakes his head and leans towards me, using his hand to gently lift my face to meet his eyes. "It's hard to try and convince myself not to do anything to scare you away."

"Peeta..." I whisper. I feel the urge to pull away, but at the same time, I don't want his hand to leave my face. No one is more confused than me. I remember my vow to be what he needs and open my mouth start trying to convince him that I'm not going to leave again. But he speaks first.

"Why can't you be with me Katniss?" He asks sincerely. Sadness in his eyes. "Why is it okay to do all these other things, but not to be..." He pauses searching for the right words, but gives up and simply repeats, "Why can't you be with me?"

I realize that my answer will change the course of our lives, and I realize that once I say it there's no going back. That to go back would be to crush this man that loves me so deeply. So I take a deep breath before I respond. Making sure that I'm set in my resolve to be what he needs. Because I need him.

"I can be." My voice is a whisper, and I watch hope flicker in his eyes. "I want to be." I want to make sure he understands.

His eyes grow wide, but other than that he stays perfectly still for a good 20 heartbeats. "You want to be?" He says the words slowly as if they're unfathomable.

I nod my head slowly. "I'm ready." I whisper. My lips feel dry and I hear my pulse pounding in my ears.

"You want to..." He pauses, running his knuckles along my jaw, "You want to be together, Katniss?" He asks.

I nod. "Yes... Peeta. I'm ready." I say. And I mean it. I honestly mean it. "I'm ready, for this." I move my hand between he and I. To emphasize what I mean.

He moves quickly, leaning forward and pulling me to him in the same smooth movement. This time when our lips meet it's calm and controlled. It's sweet and soft and loving. It means forever.

And I woudln't have it any other way.

There's no going back now.

**xoxo**

**Tell me what you think, by REVIEWING as usual! I have this strange feeling that if I don't set a review quota I'll get almost no reviews. But I suppose we shall see!**

**Review Review Review!**

**Love . Nicolette**


	10. Years 4 & 5

**The awkward moment when I promise you a quick update and don't update for several weeks...**

**For those of you who noticed that I posted this chapter once and then removed it, I'm sorry. I posted the original chapter 10 in haste. I was trying to simply push out a chapter that had no inspiration. I was trying to push out anything just to get a chapter out since I hadn't updated in so long (I've been suffering a slight case of writers block lately). The chapter was horrible. It was short and boring, it skipped too much time and generally left very much to be desired.**

**This chapter is deserving of a place in my story that I've spent so much time on and I hope that you enjoy it. Thank you for your patience.**

**Love . Nicolette**

**[Ps - Keep in mind the last chapter ended in June of Year 4]**

**Year 4**

**[September]**

**Katniss' POV**

"Do you want help?"

"No!" I snap back as quickly as I can. It's only the thirteenth time he's asked. My arms are absolutely killing me, but I won't give him the satisfaction of taking part in another loaf of bread. This one will be perfect and every inch of it's perfection will happen solely because of me.

I honestly never knew that kneading bread was such hard work. Stretching the bread out required both hands and a never ending pressure against the counter-top. Stopping every few moments to pound my fist into the mound a few times before flipping it over and doing it all over again.

About a month ago I had stood silent in the doorway to the kitchen. I stood still for a good 20 minutes, simply watching him knead dough for our bread. He didn't know that I was watching him, but I literally couldn't take my eyes off of him.

That was probably the first time that I felt it. A strange sensation creeping over me, not unlike the feelings that I had begun to feel for him before was hijacked by the Capitol, but somehow still very different. A feeling that started out as a strange pressure against my chest, as if something were slowly growing inside of it, pressing against my rib cage, fighting to get free. I didn't realize then what it was, all I knew was that it had everything to do with Peeta. All I knew was that I loved the feeling and yet was absolutely terrified of it. It reminded me of the feeling I would get when I would find Prim with her shirt untucked in the back, a feeling of warmth that reminds you of exactly who the person in front of you is and reminds you what they mean to you.

Simply watching him knead dough, and knowing that he'd done it pretty much his entire life. That this was an art-form that to me, was uniquely Peeta. That this was Peeta, the boy with the bread, the baker's son. Peeta Mellark. Made me feel the same way I feel about Prim. Protective. Happy. Surreal.

Watching the muscles of his arms and back flex and relax, over and over while he stretched the firming dough with his hands. Pushing out any air pockets. Flipping the dough over and starting the process again. The tiny smile plastered on his face, showing how much he enjoys his work.

He had made it look effortless.

My arms, however, feel like they're about to fall off at any moment. I know that I probably won't be able to finish kneading without his help. But I grit my teeth and push on, I've talked way too much smack to turn back and ask for help now.

I realize that while I was day dreaming about Peeta kneading bread, I've been ignoring the present Peeta right behind me. And when I look over my shoulder to glance at him, I see a dark look in his eyes. A look that's beginning to be very familiar to me. A look that immediately makes heat begin to pool between my legs.

He moves behind me before I have time to turn around. His hands come up to rest on the tops of my arms. He glides his hand along my skin slowly, as if warming me from an unknown cold.

My eyes close as he presses himself against my back. I feel his warm breath beat against my skin, teasing me. The anticipation is as good as abusive, but somehow I resist the urge to pull his head down to my skin with my flour covered hands. Finally his lips come into contact enough to brush the skin below my jaw and I sigh in relief. He moves them gingerly up to the spot where my neck meets me jaw, then pulls away to plant a soft kiss against my temple as his hand moves up to smooth a tuft of hair behind my left ear. I realize that my hands have stopped their movements upon the dough, and suddenly don't care in the slightest how this loaf of bread turns out. I tilt my head to the side to allow him greater access to the sensitive skin of my neck. Sending him a silent plea for attention there. He quickly complies.

"You're so beautiful." He whispers and a shiver runs down my spine at the feeling of his warm breath against my ear. I swear a day hasn't gone by that he hasn't said those words to me since I told him I was ready to be with him. I feel him nip at my ear with his teeth before pulling the lobe deep into his mouth. My eyes flutter open and then close again. I hear my throat let out an involuntary sound of appreciation and move my head back to rest against his shoulder.

His hands move down to my waist and I grip the side of the counter with my hands as he slowly begins to slide one hand underneath the hem of my shirt. The feeling of his fingers sliding against the skin of my stomach sends an electric current pulsating throughout my body. His hand continues it's ascent until he brushes the underside of my breast with the tips of his fingers.

"Peeta-"

My voice sounds foreign and coarse. He breaths a shallow groan against my neck, then begins brushing his lips slowly back and forth against it. While doing this he presses his hips tighter against me, effectively trapping me between him and the dough covered counter. I almost come unglued at the feeling of his arousal pressed flush against me and move myself against him, receiving something that sounds like a growl to erupt from Peeta's throat.

His lips sink lower until they reach the collar of my loose-fitting shirt. Here he grips the sleeve with his teeth, pulling it down, exposing the skin of my shoulder. My breathing becomes erratic as he begins assaulting this skin too with tiny, warm nips from his teeth. My arm snakes up to thread my fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck, pushing his mouth harder against my skin.

His hand has been teasing the underside of my breast for so long and his movements against my body have made me so delirious with need that I finally reach my own hand underneath my shirt, grabbing his hand and guiding it to cover my bare breast. Peeta's mouth goes slack for a moment and I feel a gush of air escape his lips against the overheated skin of my neck. He hesitates for a moment and then quickly brushes his thumb against my nipple. Causing it to immediately pebble. The feeling sends a shock through my body and I buck back against his arousal. He grunts and grips me tighter to him for a moment biting down hard onto my neck causing another moan to erupt from my throat. I reach back to place my hand against the outside of Peeta's leg and begin to slide it towards the hard lump in his pants...

...and then it happens.

The same damn thing that's been happening every time Peeta and I have had an exchange like this since we've been a couple.

Peeta takes a deep breath and gently pulls away from me. His hand snakes out from underneath my shirt and he uses his other hand to pull my hand away from him. I rip my hand from his before he can try to calm me with it.

I know exactly what he's doing and I can't help the anger that surges through my veins. I turn quickly, my hands clenched into fists at my side. I get the now familiar rainbow of emotions almost immediately. Feeling rejection, since he obviously doesn't want to continue what we were just doing. Embarrassment, that he obviously wasn't enjoying it as much as I was. Realization that he initiated the scene in the first place. And finally, anger that he continues to do it to me, again and again.

Whatever look that Peeta sees on my face causes him to frown. He understands exactly what he's doing to me, and it makes me even more angry.

"I'm sorry Katniss." He whispers. "I just want-"

"To take it slow." I say in a mocking tone, bringing my fingers up to make quotes in the air before throwing them back down to my sides, gripping my apron until my knuckles go white. "It's been nearly six months Peeta. I don't want to hear about it anymore. Stop coming over to me if you aren't going to finish what you start."

I hear him sigh behind me and turn to walk out of the kitchen. Yes, I understand the words that he says when he's rejecting me.

No, I don't want to continue 'taking it slow'. My hands begin to move against the dough with renewed fervor, imagining the dough is Peeta Mellark's face.

**xoxo**

**Year 4**

**[December]**

**Katniss's POV**

As hard as it is to believe, my life has been pretty amazing lately.

I finish tying the end of my now ridiculously long braid and stop for a moment to look at myself in the mirror. I can't help but think I look quite a bit healthier than I did a few months ago. The circles under my eyes are still there, but not nearly as prominent. My hair seems shinier. My skin seems softer. My cheeks hold color now. I've been eating a lot better thanks to Peeta. Maybe a little bit too well. Any bones that may have been protruding earlier this year are pretty much nonexistent now. I turn sideways a bit to admire some of the curves that I swear were never there before, when I realize how ridiculous I'm being.

It wouldn't matter how good I look. Peeta is oblivious. I see my eyes darken a bit and try not to get angry at something so small when literally everything else in my life is perfect.

There's only one small problem in my paradise.

His name is Peeta.

I had no idea that any rules about 'taking it slow' with Peeta would have gone on this long.

Do you even understand what it's like to be a woman and to be rejected by the same _virgin_ man, who also happens to be your boyfriend, for over half a year? I can't even fathom what kind of girl could receive that much rejection and keep coming back for more.

But I can fathom her, she's in the mirror in front of me.

He wanted to take things slow. I could understand this, what I can't understand is taking it this ridiculously, infuriatingly, absolutely insanely slow.

He wants a 'real' relationship. He wants to date and woo and visit and hold hands and cuddle. And apparently, not. Have. Sex.

He says that he wants to keep things the way they are now for now. He says he doesn't want to push things too quickly and ruin them.

But most importantly he wants to know that I'm not going to bolt again. That I won't just have sex with him, and then someday change my mind and leave him.

Basically he's holding me prisoner, by withholding sex.

No matter how many times I tell him it isn't necessary, no matter how much I reassure him that I'm not leaving any time soon [Which I changed to 'not leaving ever' after he took my statement as affirmation that I will leave someday...], no matter how much I beg and plead and cry and scream.

He refuses.

He says he doesn't feel like he deserves to take away something from me if I'm not 100% sure. And when I say I'm 100% sure he simply says he doesn't think I am.

It's a never-ending, absolutely maddening cycle.

I was relieved and terrified when I learned that Peeta hadn't done anything more than share a few chaste kisses with Delly the entire time that they were together. They didn't even share a bed to sleep. Not once.

I was relieved because the thought of Peeta and Delly together had kept me awake at night more than once while they were together. So to hear that basically nothing at all had happened between them made me feel about a million times better almost instantly.

Then I realized.

They were together for almost two years! And didn't do a. damn. thing.

If Peeta thinks I'm willing to wait two years, he's absolutely, irrevocably out of his mind. I'm honestly already upset that he's forced us to wait this long. The truth is...

I want him.

I want him like I've never wanted anything in my life. I want him naked and on top of me and inside of me, all at once. I want to feel the weight of him, the power of him.

But most of all I want him to change me completely, the way I know only he can do. I want him to take me and mold me into something new. Something that's his, and his alone.

I want to 'seal the deal' so to speak. I want to be marked as his in the most primal of ways, and I want him to be mine.

**xoxo**

**Year 5**

**[January]**

**Katniss' POV**

I can't shake the unmistakable feeling of dejavu that I have in this moment, but I don't mention it.

One of Peeta's white bedsheets flutters around our bodies in the breeze from the open bedroom windows, but stays tucked into the bed around us, shielding us from the outside world. The light that fills the room casts a soft yellow glow that illuminates Peeta's all-too-perfect features. And I can't help but smile when his astoundingly blue eyes capture my own. Nothing makes me want to get up from this bed, nothing makes me want to ruin this moment.

I've never seen Peeta smile so brightly in all my life.

I can't help the feeling of pride that I get knowing that I'm the reason it's there. That I somehow make him so happy.

His hand reaches up to tuck a string of loose hair behind my ear and then moves down to brush my cheek, running his thumb across my bottom lip. I flick my tongue out to flick the tip of his thumb and we laugh together like children for a moment.

He continues laughing and pulls me to him, rolling onto his back and pulling me on top of his chest in one fluid movement. The motion causes one side of the sheet to become untucked from the mattress and the wind from the window pushes it off of us in a matter of seconds. It flaps in the breeze tucked in on only two sides now. My hair is blown wildly around my face and Peeta's, lose from my usual braid. Peeta uses his hands to gather it together at the back of my head, holding it all together with one hand. I lean down and kiss his eyelids, then his nose, and lean down to finally kiss his lips.

"I love you." I feel him whisper the words, his lips barely grazing mine as he speaks.

That familiar feeling of warmth explodes inside my chest and seems to encompass my entire body, I can't help the smile that seems to be permanently embedded on my face.

I've never felt so at peace. I've never felt so safe and warm and happy.

And I realize for the first time exactly what the feeling is.

Love.

**xoxo**

**[February]**

**Peeta's POV**

I've never been so happy and so miserable at the same time.

I always wondered what it would be like. What it would be like to finally have that one thing that I'd been wanting pretty much my entire life. For the last few years I'd pretty much written it off as an impossibility. I'd come to terms with my fate. That I hadn't been enough, hadn't done enough to win her. That I'd failed.

Then all at once she's there. Wonderful and perfect and mine and there. All at once in my life again. Right in front of me where I can reach out and touch her whenever I'd like.

And yet...

I can't bring myself to.

Sure, I tell her how I feel. I spend countless days with her. We eat together, I let her stay over sometimes and sometimes when I can't sleep I'll slip into her bed at night. She says would rather that we stay together every night. She says she wants me, that she wants to be with me. This is what she tells me.

I just can't bring myself to believe it.

I love her. I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt. Sure, sometimes the remnants of the tracker jacker venom momentarily pull me away from that realization, but I always come right back to it. Right back to her. I love her. More than anyone I have ever known. More than anyone I will ever meet.

But what if it happens again? What if she leaves me?

What would be left of me?

I don't know how many times a man can have the thing he wants most ripped from his hands before he goes absolutely, completely, irreparably insane.

My father told me once that every person has a stone wall around their heart. That it was meant to protect it. When a person choose to love someone else they have to remove a few of the stones from the wall to allow that person access to their heart. He said it's a double-edged sword. It's nice to have someone inside the confines of your wall with you, it's nice to not be so alone, but removing a part of that barrier leaves you unprotected. Leaves you vulnerable to be hurt.

I have already experienced this very thing a hundred times over, most of those times with the same girl. I know what the hurt feels like. And I'm terrified of it happening again.

I need to know that she isn't going to run. I need to know that she will stay with me, no matter what. Until then, the more that I give to her, the more I stand to lose.

And on top of all of that, the thought of taking that last bit of innocence that she still has intact after the war. Taking her virginity. Taking her the way that she thinks she wants to be taken...

I don't think I can do it.

It has to mean something more.

It has to mean everything.

As cliche as it sounds, I don't want to have sex with Katniss. I want to make love with Katniss. I want her to feel secure and loved and cherished. I want her to know how much she means to me.

And a large part of me wants to know that I mean just as much to her.

So here I sit, on the back deck of my house in the snow. Watching the spot that I could last make out Katniss on the horizon. I wonder if she's out in the woods. It's been at least an hour since she stormed away from me. Angry that when she tried to join me in the shower, I sent her away.

The image of her in nothing but a white terry-cloth towel flashes across my vision. Standing right in front of me, dropping the towel slowly, just enough to expose two perfect, hard nipples to my prying eyes. The blush that flooded across her skin, the blush that I'm attempting to protect by refusing to go too far with her.

I shake my head, attempting to bring it back to the present.

My breath hangs in the air in front of me. Maybe she simply snuck around my house the long way and went back to her own home. I finally decide to stand and attempt to stretch the stiffness out of my muscles. Turning toward the house I jump when I see Katniss standing in the open back door just a few feet from me, gripping the door frame with her right hand. How long has she been standing there? Why does she have to be so damn quiet?

"I can't take it Peeta." She says quietly her silver eyes meeting mine. "I don't understand why-" She pauses. I watch her eyes turn glossy, but as I move towards her she moves away. Retreating into the house.

I walk inside the kitchen and close the door behind me. Turning to Katniss, I start to try and explain to her again how I feel. She's got her back to me, her hands on the counter. I remember again the scene in the bathroom and try to push away the intrusive thoughts of how much I'd like to do to her exactly what she's asking of me.

What would it be like to walk over to her, slip down whatever she's wearing below and take her right there, against the counter, hard and fast. Make her shout my name, make her tremble until she comes undone around my cock.

All of our problems could be solved in one simple session.

But it would be meaningless.

And we'd never be the same.

And she'd probably just leave me after things changed between us.

"Just tell me what I'm doing wrong..." Her words snap me back into reality, "Please. Tell me what I need to do."

I open my mouth, and realize I'm not sure what to say. So I close it and take a few cautious steps towards her. Hoping she doesn't plan on moving away from me again. She doesn't move, so I reach out to grab one of her hands. She pulls it away from me as if she's been scalded.

"Just tell me what I'm doing wrong!" She shouts.

"You're not doing anything wrong!" I say quickly. "I wish I could make you understa-"

"I want to be with you Peeta. In every-" She blushes a deep red, "In every way..." She breaks eye contact here and looks down to study the white tiles of the kitchen floor.

She has no idea how much she's breaking my heart. She thinks that she wants me so badly. She thinks that I don't want her. How can I make her understand that I'm not willing to take that innocence away from her yet? How can I tell her that I want to keep that small part of her that still remains innocent intact? That I want to be able to hold onto that girl who blushes at the very implication of sex. That I don't want to ruin the last pure thing I have in my life until I'm absolutely sure that she knows exactly what she's giving up, until I know that I won't ruin her and then have her leave me forever.

"Please say something." She whispers.

"I love you Katniss." I say quietly, I reach out and this time she doesn't pull her hand from mine. "I just want to make sure that you're ready."

"I'm not some little girl Peeta! I'm nearly 23! I know what sex is! I know exactly what I want! And it hurts that you don't seem to want it as much as I do." Her eyes are filled with tears that don't quite fall. I open my mouth to answer but she stops me by looking up, straight into my eyes. "Look," She pauses, thinking for a moment before continuing. "I get some of what you're saying. In some ways you're absolutely right to doubt. I deceived you once, I'm not proud of it. I wasn't sure for a very long time what I wanted. Things haven't always been so clear for me as they were for you. But for the first time in my life I know exactly what I want, and that's you. I want you Peeta. And everything that that entails."

I feel my reservations begin to crumble deep within my chest.

"Then marry me."

The words seem to come out before I even form them in my mind.

I watch her face closely. Her lips drop open and for a moment her jaw goes slack. I watch her eyes flicker from my face down to our joined hands, and then back to my face again. "Is tha-" Her voice cracks and she clears her throat quietly. "Is that what you want from me?"

I can't help the frustration that I feel. I pull my hand away from hers and turn before she can see whatever emotion is undoubtedly etched across my face.

"No! That's what I want you to want. And that's wrong of me." I turn to look at her realizing that I'm making very little sense. "I just want to take things slow for now Katniss. I just want to feel like... Some day you may want that too. Want this too." I wave my hand back and forth between us to show what I mean. Before she can protest I quickly add, "I know that you say you want me. But I want to feel like there's a chance that you will want the same things as I do." I pause shaking my head, realizing that I'm repeating myself. "Sorry this is coming out all wrong. Let me try again." I walk over to her and move to brush the back of my hand down the side of her face, there are tears in her eyes and I feel another crack break through my resolve. "I want to know that you aren't going to leave me Katniss. That I won't be without you anymore."

She swallows hard once, "Would you still..." She pauses for a moment to swallow again. "You would want to marry me still?" She almost whispers. "Even now? After all that's happened? After how bro-" A sob escapes her throat and I see one of the tears begin to trickle down her cheek, I'm quick to brush it away as I pull her close to my chest, wrapping my arms around her. Hoping my own tears won't threaten. She sniffles a few more times and tries again. "Even knowing that I'm so hopeless. You'd still want to be with me..." She pauses searching for the right word.

"Forever." I whisper into her hair. "Always."

"I'm not leaving you Peeta. I wouldn't risk losing the only thing in my life that means anything. I wouldn't risk losing the only person I..." She trails off, burying her face into my chest. But I want to hear the rest. I pull back and put my hands on her shoulders, pushing her away from me slightly. I use a hand to tilt her chin up, so I can see her devastatingly beautiful eyes,

"The only person you what?" I ask quietly. She shakes her head and tries to move her face away from my penetrating gaze. I take a deep breath and ask the question that's been prying at me for weeks.

"You love me. Real or not real?"

She immediately closes her eyes, the pressure causes giant tears to fall down her cheeks. She drops her head down, bringing her hands up to bury her face in them. She chokes back a sob. "Real." The first is almost inaudible, it's muffled from the pressure of her hands. I'm not sure I've heard her correctly when she pushes herself back into my chest and repeats herself over and over, "Real. Real. Real." She chokes out between fevered sobs. Crying into my chest freely now while balling my shirt in her hands. "It's real Peeta."

My arms close around her instantly and I cradle the back of her head with my hand as she burrows into my chest. "Can you..." I whisper. Not wanting to push her too far, but needing more than anything to hear her say the actual words to me. "Can you tell me?"

She takes a few deep breaths in and out before pulling away enough to look up to me with tear filled eyes.

"I love you Peeta."

And I believe her.

"Then marry me." I say for the second time tonight. This time meaning it wholeheartedly. I consider dropping to one knee, but I'm terrified that she'll get too embarrassed and flee again. My mind flickers to the tiny golden band I've been saving that's tucked deep into one of the drawers in my bedroom. I don't dare leave her right now to try and grab it. Nothing about our relationship has been conventional, why start now?

"Peeta..." She whispers. I see the shock register on her face, her lips stop moving and I realize she has no intention of answering. Either that or I've literally shocked her into silence.

"You love me, and god knows I love you. Show me that you're willing to do this for me. That you're going to stay with me Katniss. Show me that I mean as much to you as you mean to me. I'll never ask another thing of you for the rest of our lives..." I laugh at how desperate and pathetic I sound. She laughs too, probably for the same reason.

"Peeta..." She repeats, this time it sounds like the beginning of a denial so, of course, I begin to ramble nervously.

"It doesn't have to mean anything to anyone other than you and I. We wouldn't have to tell a single soul. I swear. Just you and I." I almost cringe at the begging tone, but honestly I have nothing else to try. I don't know why it means to much to me to be able to call Katniss my wife, but it does. Somehow it means everything.

She looks into my eyes for a long time, never blinking. I can almost see frantic thoughts in her mind. I can watch her fighting against the panic that is no doubt running through her veins. All I can do is wait, and hope.

Until she speaks the sweetest words I've ever heard.

"If it convinces you that I'm not just going to up and leave you..." She pauses, "If it means this much to you..."

"It does." I assure her.

"...then yes."

**xoxo**

**Little bit of lime, some sweetness...**

**Mostly just a filler chapter I suppose, short and to the point, but necessary nonetheless. **

**Sorry again for the double post, but you wouldn't even believe how much better this chapter is than the one I originally posted. This chapter is worthy of this story, the other was definitely not.**

**I promise to make up for this limey-sweet chapter with a full blown, much anticipated, L.E.M.O.N! Asap.**

**As usual REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!**


	11. Year 5

**The much anticipated 11th chapter of "Waking up" is here!**

**I bet you guys thought I forgot all about you? You probably thought I up and left you for another story. But you were wrong. So I'll go ahead and tell you "I told you so". And you can apologize by reviewing! :)**

**Love, Nicolette  
><strong>

**- Year Five -  
><strong>

**[April]**

**Peeta's POV**

It didn't take long for word to spread about our engagement. I promised Katniss that no one else needed to know but her and I. Then a few days later I found out that she'd told Haymitch, who of course, foolishly told Effie, who of course told everyone else.

Plutarch already called a few weeks ago, literally begging to catch the wedding on video. To which Katniss and I, not so politely, declined.

I still can't shake the feeling that she may leave me some day, and I'm not sure I'll ever be convinced that she's with me to stay. But lately I'm trying to live in the moment and be happy that she's given me the things that she has. I can't dwell on the past forever, and I can't continue to worry about things that may or may not ever occur. The only thing I can do is give her my all every day. Try to show her how much she means to me, try show her how lost I would be without her. And continue to hope and pray every day that I won't wake up one morning and she'll simply be gone.

Tonight, I can't sleep. I've been so used to her warm body resting next to me every night for the past few weeks, that now I'm spoiled. You'd think I'd be used to the feeling of her not being around after the years I spent without her, but this isn't the case. And now the feeling of wanting her near is even worse than before.

I flip over onto my back, simultaneously throwing the blankets away from my body. It's far too hot for a typical April night. The moon outside casts long streams of light across the ceiling in my room. I watch as the tree outside my window dances in the wind, causing the shadows on the ceiling to dance. I close my eyes again. Fighting the urge to leave my bed and walk over to Katniss' home. But tonight, above all nights, we should be apart. If for no other reason than to truly appreciate being together every night for the rest of our lives after tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the official ceremony. Much to Effie's dismay, we've decided to keep it a simple as possible. Tomorrow I'll wake up early and bake a loaf of bread to be used in the toasting. I'll shower and get ready on my own. Effie wanted to help, but I convinced her to help Katniss instead (something Katniss won't really know about until tomorrow...). I'll meet Haymitch at his house and we'll make our way to District 12's newly built town hall. Katniss and Effie we'll already be there getting ready for the signing, as well as all the other guests that we've invited. The guests will take their seats in the main room and wait for the signing to take place. Katniss and I will wait at opposite doors that lead to the main room. Once we're given our cue, the doors will be opened and we'll walk toward one another to the pedestal in the middle of the room. Tidus, the towns newly elected mayor (I decided to turn down the position myself several months ago), will present Katniss and I with the official paperwork to become husband and wife. She and I will sign the papers and will be followed out of the hall by the few people we've invited to the wedding. We'll all load up into Thom's wagon that will take us back to Katniss' house, which will be considered our marital home. Our friends will sing the traditional District 12 marriage song as I lift Katniss across the threshold of our new home, and shut the door behind us. Once inside we will start a fire in her fireplace and each toast a piece of the bread that I made that morning over it. Sharing a bite from each piece, we will officially be wed.

No one from District 12 truly feels married until this ceremony is completed.

I can't imagine anyone ever feeling more excited in their entire lives than I do in this moment. Which is another reason why it's impossible for me to sleep.

I close my eyes again and try to remind myself of all the reasons why I shouldn't get up and go to Katniss' house. Why I shouldn't take comfort from her, the only person who can offer me any comfort.

My eyes fly open when I hear a creak coming from somewhere in the hallway outside my door. Immediately my heart speeds up in pace and I feel a smile involuntarily stretch across my face.

"You're losing your touch Katniss."

I wait for a moment, and sure enough my bedroom door creeps open slowly. She doesn't say a word, but I can't help the warmth that floods through my veins when I feel her move to lay next to me. Her head easily finds it's place on my shoulder as my arm slips around her back. We lay silently for a while. I feel my body relax more and more every moment that she's near, I'm just about to drift off to sleep when she speaks.

"It's hard to imagine that tomorrow I'll have this... Forever." She whispers.

"Forever." I repeat into her hair. Suddenly, instead of wishing for morning to come so that I can marry the girl I've loved most of my short life, I'm wishing this moment would never end, so that I might simply stay here in this bed with Katniss, forever.

She says nothing more, but moves her hand slowly back and forth against the light dusting of hair that covers my chest. The feeling causes a chill to rush through my body, and I feel her smile against my skin. I feel the muscles in my stomach tense as she slowly begins to slip her hand lower, moving it across the now feverish skin covering my ribs, and then down to the trail of hair that leads toward a very sensitive area. I feel her fingers gently brush along the elastic of my boxers and I know if I don't say something now, I never will.

"Katniss..." My voice sounds foreign even to myself and I try to ignore the feeling of self loathing I feel when her fingers leave my skin. But instead of getting up and leaving like I was half expecting her to do, she moves all at once, swinging a leg over me, sitting on top of me, straddling my waist. I notice for the first time that she's wearing thin pajama shorts that feel silky as they brush the skin below my belly button.

"Peeta..." She whispers my name back, with a smile in her voice. She leans down and brushes a soft kiss against my lips. "Don't you want to touch your fiance?" She whispers against my ear before sitting up and slowly ridding herself of her shirt. Tossing it to the ground somewhere in the dark recesses of my room. I reach my hands up slowly to rest them on the sides of her naked hips, my eyes lingering on the faint outline of her rose colored nipples.

"I need you Peeta..." She whispers in the darkness. Her fingers gently grab the wrist of my right hand and guide it slowly up to cover her pert breast. On instinct my fingers pinch the pebbled nipple and roll it between them gently. I feel her intake of breath and her body suddenly shift on top of me.

This is when I snap.

I simply can't take the waiting anymore.

If she leaves me tomorrow, then so be it, at least I could have this just once before she leaves. This is a mantra that I'm sure I'll be repeating in my head every night for many years to come.

Although I'm not exactly sure when it happened, suddenly I'm on top of her. In a position I've never let us get to before. Me on top of her, between her legs. My hands are in her hair, our tongues play a feverish game of cat and mouse. Darting toward one another, then away. Over and over. I roll my hips into the juncture between her thighs and she gasps against my mouth.

Knowing that her and I will be married tomorrow helps me to give in, to accept my not so grim fate.

My hands trail along her naked skin and find purchase at her hips, I anchor her to the mattress as I trail kisses from her lips, down to the skin of her neck, before placing a feather light kiss onto her nipple. She takes in a quick breath, bucking her hips up against the now completely evident bulge in my boxers. Without thinking I pull the nipple between my lips, trapping it while I suckle gently, effectively pulling sounds of ecstasy from Katniss' throat.

I'm forced to stop my ministrations when she suddenly reaches down to slip her hand into my boxers. Wrapping her chilled fingers around the overheated flesh of my cock. I feel myself throbbing in her hand as she stills, obviously unsure of what to do next. I've never let her get this far. I move back up towards her face, capturing her lips in my own.

The heat has momentarily subsided, our inexperience in all things sex finally surfacing. She doesn't move for another moment, and I decide to take the lead by reaching down and wrapping my own hand around her tiny one, slowly guiding her hand to slide up the length of my cock until her fingers slip over the head and I feel the wetness of my own pre-cum touch the sides of our fingers. I remove my hand and she takes over, moving her hand agonizingly slowly along the shaft of my cock. I attempt to resist the urge to buck into each stroke, but fail most of the time. Every tiny movement of her hand on me is threatening to push me completely over the edge.

Each time she strokes I lose a little bit of my control. I realize that I'm about to hit my breaking point and without thinking reach down to take Katniss' hand away from me. I see the look of disappointment in her eyes only a moment before I reach my hand down slip below her shorts. Her eyes go wild and she reaches down to try and stop me, until my fingers make contact with the wet heat between her legs. Immediately her hand drops from my arm and her head falls back onto the pillow. She's slick and warm and I savor every tiny moan that escapes her lips as I slide my finger back and forth across the sensitive nub above her opening. Her hips begin to jerk towards me. My cock throbs with every movement and sound she makes, to the point that it's painful to continue.

Before I even have time to realize what I'm doing I've stood and removed my boxers and begun slipping Katniss' shorts and panties down her never ending legs.

The picture before me is one that I imagined in my mind hundreds of times in my short life. But I don't think I ever truly thought I would witness it outside the recesses of my mind.

Katniss lays naked before me with her legs slightly spread, a deep blush covers her from head to heel, but the look in her eyes is anything but shy. Her now long dark hair is splayed across the pillow around her head. I've never seen anything more intoxicating in my life. An overwhelming sense of responsibility and pride washes over me when I realize what this amazingly perfect woman is giving to me tonight. She actually chose me. Of all the people in the world, of all the men she could have had, she for some unknown reason, chose me.

She chose me.

My lips are on her again as I push my fingers through her silky hair. My other hand finds hers laying limp against the sheet above her head. I intertwine our fingers and take a moment to pull back and look at the face of the woman I love. The only woman I'll ever love. Her heavy-lidded silver eyes lock onto mine and I watch in awe as the corners of her mouth twitch up into an unbelievably seductive smile. Her eyes slip close as she leans forward and catches my lips in another lingering kiss. I feel her move her hips up off the bed to make contact with the hardness between my legs. The heat I feel there is overwhelming.

"Please Peeta..." She whispers. Hearing the desperation in her voice, I know that I can't hold on much longer.

I have to ask. I have to be absolutely sure this is what she wants. Although I'm not entirely sure I'll be able to stop if she says no.

"Katniss..." I pause, waiting for her to open her eyes and look at me. She has to know exactly what I'm asking. "Katniss, are you sure?" I finally manage to choke out. If it's possible, her blush deepens and she doesn't hesitate before nodding. I reach between our bodies, positioning myself so that my tip is just inside of her. Everything in my being wants nothing more than to be completely buried within her, but I find myself unable to continue without warning her. "It might hurt a little bit the first time..." This knowledge is completely based off things that my brothers had talked about when I was younger. I have no idea if what I'm saying is even completely true. But she whispers in response,

"I know..."

And with those two words, I press into her, feeling just the tiniest bit of resistance break before I begin to slip inside. Every inch deeper that I move I can feel her body tense and stretch to accommodate me. I fight the urge to take her fast and hard like my body is begging me to. I can't help but notice the wince of pain in Katniss' eyes as I enter her. I manage to hold still every few seconds until she seems to relax, and then continue to push my way in. I can feel her walls contract against the invasion. But once I'm buried to the hilt inside of her I feel her entire body begin to relax. I wait for some kind of sign from her that I should continue, and after a few seconds I feel her squirm beneath me and she whispers my name. This is all the hint I need.

The next minutes will probably be the most remembered and recalled moments of my entire life. After a few strokes Katniss begins whispering my name in pants and bucking her hips up eagerly to meet my thrusts. Her fingernails drag down my back, stinging, but in just the right way.

We move slowly and I savor each moment. My mind isn't able to wander anywhere, but on the body and responses of the woman below me. She whispers incoherent words into my ear and I shower her neck with nips of my teeth. I feel one of her ankles hitch behind my hip and somehow I manage to slip even deeper inside of her, pulling long moans from Katniss' lips. It's only moments later that I feel her entire body tense up around my cock, her body begins to convulse below me and I hear my name escape her lips, this time in tense broken syllables. I can't possibly hold back any longer and am unable to control the groan that passes by my lips before I feel myself come undone inside of her. Thick waves of pleasure lap over me as I spill hot streams of seed deep inside, shudders wrack my body and I'm unable to control my movements. The pleasure is undefinable.

I lay breathless for a few moments on top of her, careful not to put all of my weight down, but unable to lift myself off of her. She throws one arm around my waist and leaves it there, while catching her breath beneath me.

"I love you." She whispers breathlessly into my hair.

"Forever." Is the only word I manage to sputter out, but I know she understands what I'm trying to say.

Sometime, hours later, I awake to the first light of morning and realize that I have to make the bread for our wedding ceremony. I wake Katniss with a kiss and she hastily collects her things to make her way over to her own home to get ready. Hopefully Effie doesn't notice her running down the street this morning. Something tells me she wouldn't be happy if she knew we didn't spend our last night before the wedding apart.

But frankly I don't care too much.

I just had the most earth shattering, mind numbing, unexplainable, unbelievable night of my life. After today, Katniss will be my wife and as long as she's around and will have me, I'll have many many more nights just like it.

**xoxo**

**Katniss' POV**

I feel as if my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. I can't manage to catch my breath and it's crossed my mind more than a few times to run away and never look back.

Last night was absolutely nothing at all like I thought it would be.

I understood that my body wanted Peeta. And over time came to realize exactly what I was craving. But I had no idea that it would be anything like what I experienced last night.

I felt as if I'd been taken to some other dimension. A place where only Peeta and I existed. I felt sensations that I never knew my body could produce and knew they were something that only Peeta could pull out of me.

And I literally couldn't wait for it to happen again.

As strange as it sounds, I'm almost positive that's the only reason I'm still waiting outside this door. Effie sits next to me jabbering on about the flower arrangements in the main room, that I haven't seen and probably won't notice once I enter the room anyway.

Somewhere in another room, Peeta is waiting to see me too. In a few short moments we'll be man and wife, we'll be tied together for as long as we'll have each other.

These thoughts make me panic and shudder in anticipation simultaneously. I grew up assuring myself that I would never get married, never bring children into the world, never become destitute and dependent upon another human being like my mother did with my father.

Yet here I am.

And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that whether Peeta and I are married or not, I'm already a goner. I'm already as his mercy, I'm already completely dependent upon him for survival. I exist simply because he exists. And although the thought of losing him is just about the scariest thing I've ever imagined in my entire life, I can't bring myself to try to separate myself from him. In a few moments we'll be married. In a few moments everyone will know he is mine, and nothing short of death will force me to be separated from him.

"It's time!" Effie chimes. And I'm sure my heart will leave a bruise, as hard as it's pounding against my chest.

The door opens and far on the other side of the room I can see my reason for existing. He moves towards me and suddenly all my fears are forgotten, I want nothing more than to meet him in the middle and never leave his side again.

**xoxo**

**Peeta's POV**

How did this happen?

How did I suddenly go from the unfortunate soul chosen to be a tribute in the Hunger Games, to being the luckiest, happiest man in the world?

Long after our toasting I lay next to Katniss' sleeping form. Her shoulders are bare and I brush my fingers along the soft skin of her back until they reach the silken sheet that covers her lower half. I move them up to slip through her silken hair. The sheets of the bed are pulled up in two corners and our clothes are strewn around the floor and bed. Evidence of our lovemaking fills the room. I lay back in our bed feeling spent and completely satisfied. My body finally cooling off from our first multiple heated sessions as husband and wife.

Looking over at her, I can't help the warmth that seems to fill my body and soul. I now know what it is to love with every fiber of my being and wouldn't change a single aspect of my life up until this point. Every horrible thing that's happened to me has led me one step closer to her.

It was all worth it.

**xoxo**

**Don't forget to review! **


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